so im starting out again. again. again. not so fun because i look at all the time i wasted and i could have been doing something.
NO RUNNING=SARAH SAD
i shut every one out. my aunt, my friends, my boyfriend everyone. i hate it. i dont know what my problem is. i dont know why i do it. so i looked it up just now. and not to my surprise;
Anyone who has experienced a dramatic form of loss, especially repeated times, is more likely to withhold from showing their true selves to people. Its a defense mechanism to protect your emotions. Obviously if you have been hurt a few times or disappointed by people, you will be less likely to open up in order to prevent those feelings from happening again. I believe this is a perfectly normal reaction to pain and loss; however, it can become unhealthy if it gets to a point that no matter what you are withholding and it prevents you from being able to esetablish a deep connection with someone who truly wants that connection with you.
Obviously opening up to someone else makes you more vulnerable and most people do not like to feel vulnerable to another; however, its building that trust that allows you to be vulnerable with certain people.
So, I'd look back and try to pinpoint the different lossed relationships that may have caused your current situation and just assess them for what they are and move forward. It is human nature to apply previous experience to current situations to attempt to assess the outcome but you must also be able to identify when, sometimes, those past experiences really do not apply for whatever reason.
Good luck
people who have disappointed me, let me down, left me, abandoned me, and hurt me it's a pretty huge list
I never really fought these people i usually just let them take over.
i had a really good friend named crystal. she and i were best friends and i loved her like a sister. I got in the middle of her and her girlfriend beating her. I always wanted to be like her. I never knew how to live like a grown up. All i ever knew was that i had to live and take care of cassy and david. i had so much responsibility as a kid that when i finally got my chance to have my own freedom i abused it like a mother fucker. I feel like i did that when i first moved out. i expected way too much of other people to help take care of me because my parents never did. and that wasnt fair of me. i need to take care of me. i have been like that most of my adult life. i look for love not because i want to show someone love in return (well not completely) i want it because i know it was something i never really felt as a kid. and then by looking at this i see that i make demands on those i love ( not knowingly)
like dustin for example, i feel that i look to him for love. which is healthy. but the way i do it is much more like im looking for someone to take care of me. not to love me. it all makes some sense in this head of mine.
im looking for people to take care of me. if i love myself i wont be looking for other people to love me i will have all the love i need within myself. i find myself battling my mind, should i say i love you to him today? just because i wanna hear it back??? and that puts stress on him!
like he needs to keep affirming it to me constantly. it will make the words less meaningful. like bless you after a sneeze.
what im trying to get at is, im still looking for someone to take care of me. even after all this time of self healing and progress i still am being a leach so to speak.
i have to be the one who takes care of myself and i need to stop burdening people with another person to take care of. i wrote my old friend crystal an apology letter. i let her know i was sorry for being that burden to her. i told her i was sorry for pretty much not picking up my end. and having her take care of me and i know that it must have created stress in her relationship and i partly blame myself. no finger pointing no wanting anything from her. just a simple apology.
i also apologized to a girl who i wronged back in the 3erd grade. i stole a wallet from her and some running medals too. i have felt bad ever since. so she found me on facebook and i wrote her telling her i was so sorry for what i did. i also called my friend jessica and apologized to her too. i also contacted my ex from colorado and apologized to him for using him.
i should probably let you all know that i lived with him for 2 months. i used him and his money and i felt really bad about doing it. i was very depressed and i made him believe we were in a relationship so i could have a place to live and stay. i tried apologizing to him but all he says is he loves me and its ok. but i know he doesnt get it. i fucked him over. took his money and left for ca. i also stole a bunch of food for the house and things from the mall. i stole a lot of things. probably easily 5,000$ worth of things.
i had to leave utah other wise i'd be homeless. but whose fault was that???? no one's but my own.
so this is what i will be thinking about on my run.
talk to you later
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