i do this stupid thing where i stall on atkins at around 194 and i think mixing it up will save me. nope. i've been carbing for a few months no running. :( it makes me sad. so i got depressed. i am at 203 right now. that is depressing. im going to start atkins today. i loved how amazing i felt from running i always had this euphoria. i am going through some problems right now. and i feel that running will save me.
dustin went on a lunch date with his ex girlfriend. it really fucked with my head. did he pay for it? did he miss her? did they kiss? did they talk about me? did he tell her he loved her? does he even love me still? then to dull the questions i decided not to worry about it. when he got home he asked if i had any questions for him. he said he found it odd that i didn't ask him anything about it. i told him that i felt like it was personal business and it was his private business and it has nothing to do with me. I told him though that it made me feel very uncomfortable that he went. and even when he told me, i told him it made me feel like he would cheat on me. only, i knew he wouldn't it was just a fear. i was having sex with him last night and i felt like i was huge. too big to be on top. when i take off my clothes i feel so ugly. i hate my apron (thanks amber for the wording). an apron is a flap of skin that hangs off the stomach. in the medical field we call this a panis. This is piece of skin that is removed from a person during a tummy tuck procedure. I have a complex with this weight loss thing. I lose weight. then i gain it back. any where from 5-15 lbs of weight. i have researched this and it is more detrimental to your health than being over weight.
Im having depression issues. i am now aware, NO RUNNING= SAD SARAH
NO RUNNING= NO PROGRESSION IN ANY MATTERS OF LIFE
NO RUNNING = NO LIFE.
running is definitely my forte. I was explaining to dustin one night when he felt like he was going to hurl, " take a deep breath, feel that fresh out side air, feel how cool and crisp it is in your lungs. that is why i love to run, its all purity in my body."
then he told me how good i was at calming him down. he tells me he loves me. he is constantly texting though. it worries me because i feel like he is excluding me from conversations. i notice he has been watching porn too. which doesnt help my feeling insecurities. but why is it that i have to rely on him to make me feel good about myself. its not his responsibility. im responsible for my own happiness. he is a product of it. if im not happy he wont be. after a week of running i always feel so good. my body gets toned. weight decreases. mood is better. mind is better. i sometimes will crave running 2x a day. now im worried that if im gone from the house too much that will give dustin time to fuck around. im scared he will cheat on me. so i know i need to have faith in us. i need to have faith in myself as well. if i dont have that confidence in myself to know im a good person and im beautiful then im going to fuck up my relationship. i want to quit smoking. i want to start running. im changing my goal weight to 180. im changing it to that because i believe i need a small goal. right now i need to lose a total of exactly 50 lbs. its the holiday season now. and its the middle of november. i know that in 1 .5 months i can have lost 15 lbs. i know that if i take a break from running i will want to take a break from my dieting.
my anxiety is so bad lately i dont even pick up the phone. its gotten so out of control. i have never seen it this bad. even right now its bad. i actually forced myself to write. my hands are clammy. my breathing is shallow. i know my arm pits are sweaty.
I had a girlfriend who really let me down. i posted something on my face book. i miss her. but i know i cant really be her friend. my theory on girl friendships are the best ones dont know your other friends. so they cant gossip behind your back. i feel that when given the opportunity females will do it. its a fucked up thought. i trust that a few people will talk about me negatively behind my back. well choose lauretta as an example. she and i have known each other since i was transporting in mission viejo. so that is about 5-6 years. most of our relationship has been over the phone. i trust her with information because i know she is mature enough to handle what i have to say to her. and i am hoping she trusts me because i have proven i can be trusted. relationships are hard. weather you are a girl with girlfriends or your married, they are hard and you need to work on them. like little plants. water, music, love, food. ha ha ha
so im hoping for a better time. i want to weight 180. i want to be happy and i want to run.
Is that why you won't talk to me? Have I let you down? Do you not trust me? That hurts....
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