cant really get my internet to work properly today for some reason. im just going to keep reloading until hopefully i get some where.
so my anticipated weight loss today is 192. if this is the case. with what im doing on top of atkins, i should be losing weight at a rate of 2 lbs per day.. and that is what i have been seeing.
so if you SHOULD be losing weight at a rate of 2lbs per week and i increased mine to 2 lbs per day is that 7x the amount?
i went through my ex's email last night. he is having a fucking baby. and to top that they are going to name her lily cora. which i dont know how to take that since cora was the name of the baby juan and i were going to name when we had one.
i dont know if i should flatter myself by saying he liked the name i picked out and wanted a part of me to be with that baby???
or did he just like that name very much. some times i wonder if im ocd. i over analyze things to the breaking point.
i guess i just want to break his heart like he broke mine. make him miss me. i do think about him often. he has given me quite a bit to learn about myself.
really all i want to do is talk with him. i want to tell him things that i have wanted to tell him. not sorry for what i did but sorry the whole thing got so out of control. and sorry we fought. sorry for trashing the place. i was coherced into doing it. just like he destroyed something nice of mine, i destroyed something of his and that was not fair because i do not believe in an eye for an eye.
i want to talk to him. i want to be like "look we went through so much together and i do think about you all the time. i was angry and hurt. i want to be the best person i can be with a clear conscious. I believe the things you did to me were horrible. im not going to sit here and point at you the whole time. I was hurt and angry because when i needed you the most you were the one who was selfish. you looked at my drunk and decided it was about you not about what i was going through. there are always 2 sides of every story.
if more. i found out that you cheated on me the same day my grandma passed away. instead of getting to see her for the LAST time you took the money and rented a hotel room for you and your ugly mistress.
but i was angry, not any more. i want more in my life than anger. i want to be happy and healthy in more than just one way. "
im thinking a few shots of tequilla can get me to stand there ha ha ha. but i want to look great!
i need to tell him i know he was flirting with michelle, janie, all the things that happened between him and jess, and other women too.
any way, so today im supposed to weight 192. you know if i jump on that scale and see 192 im going to go out of my fucking mind with excitement!! in one week i can get down to 178 if i continue on this 2 lbs per day advantage.
im just drinking my coffee i got work at 12 today and i close. last night i talked to dustin. he just assured me he was tired. its been 5 days since we had sex. i fucking hate it. im just going to get him to fix the car. stop worrying about if he's cheating on me because honestly i dont give a fuck any more. if he is really going to lie to me about it then so be it. i tried my best to be a great gf. money wise it sucks but hell i tried. i tried to look good, be in a good mood even though i dont want to, treat him when ever i can.
wait im sick of men.
i want to lose weight for me. i want to lose weight because it will help my marathon training. i want to run that marathon for me, grandma, and mike larsen.
he is up and that gives me anxiety
any way i hope im at 192 today. that will be a 19 lb loss. and when i hit 191 that is a 20 lb loss. when i hit 181 that will be a 30 lb victory and i think i might go get my nose pierced. i dont know yet.
i bought some more aloe vera so i can use it on my skin!! so happy. what a wonderful thing to use on my skin. i just love it!! god i conditioned my hair last night and it is so fucking soft and it smells wonderful. i used my aloe vera last night on my skin under lotion and it feels wonderful too. my acne is disappearing too which is so nice. i cant wait to have my clear skin back.
looking forward
193 lbs today :) not my best but it will do
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