so today is the 15th. and i didnt really gain a whole lot when i quit hcg. when i quit i got up to 196 which is a fucking usual for me. so i had 3 loading days both yesterday and the day before. so today is the legit day. im going to drink my coffee and then go weigh myself. my friend amber got on board too which is nice and funny at the same time. I was somewhat ashamed of trying hcg again after all the talk about how i wont do it again. well i got some 5htp and im hoping that will help me with the depression part of it. im having some emotional problems in regards to my body again. this time dustins mom made it evident that she is still friends with jessica. from what i know of jessica and marilyn, jessica is manipulative and so is marilyn. i dont think that marilyn likes me any more and that she is only friends with jessica to make me feel like shit. so now i feel like i have to work 2x as hard to be a better girl friend and kind of prove to her that im better than that whore. then i think i dont fucking care. and when i say that i feel like if i think that and just do my part around the house and look better than jessica and get skinny they'll see that im good for dustin. the shit part of it is i usually dont care but his family has no respect for him and no respect for me either. thats why marilyn is friends with jessica now. kind of like throwing it in my face. like you dont have my friendship but dustins ex does! ha!! the other day -this is what slapped me in the face, maybe 2 weeks ago we went to see dustins grandma at her grave site and dustins mom was asking dustin about his friend cory. well his mom kind of over stepped her boundries i think. she kept asking personal details and said she found out certain things through another person. so clearly jessica and marilyn talk shit to eachother all the time. then she asked dustin well wasnt that girl he was with that cute small girl?? emphasis on SMALL. right in front of me. fucking woman has no respect. so now i bet she is talking shit about me to his ex and i have no idea who she is. so after that, after hearing that shit im thinking i dont want to give this bitch any more shit to spread about me or dustin. fuck. dustin got a job interview on monday and he is pretty certain he got it. im happy for him. as soon as he starts making money he will be happier. so his mom can stop bitching at him for that. then the house issue he doesnt really want his mom apart of either and i dont blame him because she fucking talks to the ex WHO JUST GOT UP AND LEFT HIM ONE DAY OUT OF THE BLUE!?!!?!?!! so why would, if you were a good mother do that?? its full on bull shit to me. fucking whore. they both are. there are some things about dustin i dont like. but i love him and im sure there are things about me he doesnt like. well i dont like that he thinks he needs to be fucking right all the time. i dont like that he doesnt demand respect from his parents. and i dont like that he lets his family just walk all over him. i dont like some things but other things i love and i can look past those things. so i got on the scale, even with my load days i am at 196.1 lbs!!!?!?!?!??? wow and i fucking ate A SHIT TON OF FOOD!!!!!!!!!! LIKE A SHIT TON i ate a burrito last night and a three layer quesadilla last night with salsa and rice i made myself. fucken hell i cant believe i didnt gain anything. well im fucking fine with that. lets do my favorite part of dieting- THE WISHING HA HA HA
i havent weighed in this morning. im not sure if i even gained anything. i ate a lot of fat yesterday. ive been loading on vegan burgers cooked in oil, we went to pei wei yesterday and i got sweet and sour shrimp with white rice and added extra hot chilli oil on my rice. my friend convinced me to do another load day. i dont know if i can handle it. im losing days until this party to look my very best. 15 lbs.?? seems like a dream come true if you ask me. i am worried that i will just stay at this weight forever. like this is the weight im supposed to stay at. i dont think so. im sick of my fat ass. LOL we took pictures yesterday thanks to my sister and i looked rolly. i had rolls on my stomach, i didnt like how my face looked. like i have so much surface area on my face and i hate that. ok so im at 197.7
today is october 16th. and i weigh 197.7
if i lost 4 lbs by tomorrow. i will be at 193. if i lost 4 more pounds after that i will be at 189.
i just really want to see i 180's again. im trying to watch the biggest loser. that show has given me so much inspiration to lose weight. i love it.
im watching it right now season 10 episode 1 and they are talking about how now for the first time since the cival war life expectancy is lowered because of obesity. what the hell are we doing to our selves. Are we that selfish that we cant control what we eat?? im one of those as well. Im considered over weight right now, but i was obese category II. Im not flaunting this it just makes me well aware that i should be thin and healthy
No comments:
Post a Comment