goal today is to drink 8 glasses of water. and just document what i eat
i lost a pound 201.6 today :)
heaviest
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
new start. how many is this now?!?!
ok i know i have been ranting about getting back on the wagon. feeling good. jumping off the wagon. nice huh.
so i decided i need to not be consumed by food any more or depression.
i need to indulge in my hobbies. writing is by far one of my greatest hobbies. so now im listening to flogging molly and i am going to change my life. im going to be the woman i want to become. a nurse, a great friend, a great girlfriend, a great sister, a great person, and a great soul. i want to enjoy life and instead of dwelling on past i will be here in the present. i've been making my coffee way too strong in the mornings!
its been setting me up for fucked up anxiety attacks.
any way for breakfast i think ill make some eggs. im starting a new blog on stupid shit from info mercials!! :)
any way i will have a great day.
i didn't weigh in yet but i've been around 203-201 so i will weigh in on next tuesday. only once a week. then i will start running next week. i want to have lost 1 pound. that is my goal :) ciao
so i decided i need to not be consumed by food any more or depression.
i need to indulge in my hobbies. writing is by far one of my greatest hobbies. so now im listening to flogging molly and i am going to change my life. im going to be the woman i want to become. a nurse, a great friend, a great girlfriend, a great sister, a great person, and a great soul. i want to enjoy life and instead of dwelling on past i will be here in the present. i've been making my coffee way too strong in the mornings!
its been setting me up for fucked up anxiety attacks.
any way for breakfast i think ill make some eggs. im starting a new blog on stupid shit from info mercials!! :)
any way i will have a great day.
i didn't weigh in yet but i've been around 203-201 so i will weigh in on next tuesday. only once a week. then i will start running next week. i want to have lost 1 pound. that is my goal :) ciao
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
miffed off
cant afford lots of things right now and diet food is one of them. i want to do atkins today.
eggs
tuna
shrimp
veggies
i need to eat more protein.
i am drinking my coffee and water. yesterday fell off wagon because i had to return my car and i was sad.
i have a friend who is helping me buy a car.
so back to the drawing board- car
-fitness
- school
-work
i want to be busy
i miss it
im scared that when i do get a job dustin will kick me out without mercy.
but theres trust issues again!
anyway
blizzard today
goal today is to eat atkins friendly all day
do chores
no way am i going out today
eggs
tuna
shrimp
veggies
i need to eat more protein.
i am drinking my coffee and water. yesterday fell off wagon because i had to return my car and i was sad.
i have a friend who is helping me buy a car.
so back to the drawing board- car
-fitness
- school
-work
i want to be busy
i miss it
im scared that when i do get a job dustin will kick me out without mercy.
but theres trust issues again!
anyway
blizzard today
goal today is to eat atkins friendly all day
do chores
no way am i going out today
Monday, November 22, 2010
another new beginning
so im starting out again. again. again. not so fun because i look at all the time i wasted and i could have been doing something.
NO RUNNING=SARAH SAD
i shut every one out. my aunt, my friends, my boyfriend everyone. i hate it. i dont know what my problem is. i dont know why i do it. so i looked it up just now. and not to my surprise;
Anyone who has experienced a dramatic form of loss, especially repeated times, is more likely to withhold from showing their true selves to people. Its a defense mechanism to protect your emotions. Obviously if you have been hurt a few times or disappointed by people, you will be less likely to open up in order to prevent those feelings from happening again. I believe this is a perfectly normal reaction to pain and loss; however, it can become unhealthy if it gets to a point that no matter what you are withholding and it prevents you from being able to esetablish a deep connection with someone who truly wants that connection with you.
Obviously opening up to someone else makes you more vulnerable and most people do not like to feel vulnerable to another; however, its building that trust that allows you to be vulnerable with certain people.
So, I'd look back and try to pinpoint the different lossed relationships that may have caused your current situation and just assess them for what they are and move forward. It is human nature to apply previous experience to current situations to attempt to assess the outcome but you must also be able to identify when, sometimes, those past experiences really do not apply for whatever reason.
Good luck
people who have disappointed me, let me down, left me, abandoned me, and hurt me it's a pretty huge list
I never really fought these people i usually just let them take over.
i had a really good friend named crystal. she and i were best friends and i loved her like a sister. I got in the middle of her and her girlfriend beating her. I always wanted to be like her. I never knew how to live like a grown up. All i ever knew was that i had to live and take care of cassy and david. i had so much responsibility as a kid that when i finally got my chance to have my own freedom i abused it like a mother fucker. I feel like i did that when i first moved out. i expected way too much of other people to help take care of me because my parents never did. and that wasnt fair of me. i need to take care of me. i have been like that most of my adult life. i look for love not because i want to show someone love in return (well not completely) i want it because i know it was something i never really felt as a kid. and then by looking at this i see that i make demands on those i love ( not knowingly)
like dustin for example, i feel that i look to him for love. which is healthy. but the way i do it is much more like im looking for someone to take care of me. not to love me. it all makes some sense in this head of mine.
im looking for people to take care of me. if i love myself i wont be looking for other people to love me i will have all the love i need within myself. i find myself battling my mind, should i say i love you to him today? just because i wanna hear it back??? and that puts stress on him!
like he needs to keep affirming it to me constantly. it will make the words less meaningful. like bless you after a sneeze.
what im trying to get at is, im still looking for someone to take care of me. even after all this time of self healing and progress i still am being a leach so to speak.
i have to be the one who takes care of myself and i need to stop burdening people with another person to take care of. i wrote my old friend crystal an apology letter. i let her know i was sorry for being that burden to her. i told her i was sorry for pretty much not picking up my end. and having her take care of me and i know that it must have created stress in her relationship and i partly blame myself. no finger pointing no wanting anything from her. just a simple apology.
i also apologized to a girl who i wronged back in the 3erd grade. i stole a wallet from her and some running medals too. i have felt bad ever since. so she found me on facebook and i wrote her telling her i was so sorry for what i did. i also called my friend jessica and apologized to her too. i also contacted my ex from colorado and apologized to him for using him.
i should probably let you all know that i lived with him for 2 months. i used him and his money and i felt really bad about doing it. i was very depressed and i made him believe we were in a relationship so i could have a place to live and stay. i tried apologizing to him but all he says is he loves me and its ok. but i know he doesnt get it. i fucked him over. took his money and left for ca. i also stole a bunch of food for the house and things from the mall. i stole a lot of things. probably easily 5,000$ worth of things.
i had to leave utah other wise i'd be homeless. but whose fault was that???? no one's but my own.
so this is what i will be thinking about on my run.
talk to you later
NO RUNNING=SARAH SAD
i shut every one out. my aunt, my friends, my boyfriend everyone. i hate it. i dont know what my problem is. i dont know why i do it. so i looked it up just now. and not to my surprise;
Anyone who has experienced a dramatic form of loss, especially repeated times, is more likely to withhold from showing their true selves to people. Its a defense mechanism to protect your emotions. Obviously if you have been hurt a few times or disappointed by people, you will be less likely to open up in order to prevent those feelings from happening again. I believe this is a perfectly normal reaction to pain and loss; however, it can become unhealthy if it gets to a point that no matter what you are withholding and it prevents you from being able to esetablish a deep connection with someone who truly wants that connection with you.
Obviously opening up to someone else makes you more vulnerable and most people do not like to feel vulnerable to another; however, its building that trust that allows you to be vulnerable with certain people.
So, I'd look back and try to pinpoint the different lossed relationships that may have caused your current situation and just assess them for what they are and move forward. It is human nature to apply previous experience to current situations to attempt to assess the outcome but you must also be able to identify when, sometimes, those past experiences really do not apply for whatever reason.
Good luck
people who have disappointed me, let me down, left me, abandoned me, and hurt me it's a pretty huge list
I never really fought these people i usually just let them take over.
i had a really good friend named crystal. she and i were best friends and i loved her like a sister. I got in the middle of her and her girlfriend beating her. I always wanted to be like her. I never knew how to live like a grown up. All i ever knew was that i had to live and take care of cassy and david. i had so much responsibility as a kid that when i finally got my chance to have my own freedom i abused it like a mother fucker. I feel like i did that when i first moved out. i expected way too much of other people to help take care of me because my parents never did. and that wasnt fair of me. i need to take care of me. i have been like that most of my adult life. i look for love not because i want to show someone love in return (well not completely) i want it because i know it was something i never really felt as a kid. and then by looking at this i see that i make demands on those i love ( not knowingly)
like dustin for example, i feel that i look to him for love. which is healthy. but the way i do it is much more like im looking for someone to take care of me. not to love me. it all makes some sense in this head of mine.
im looking for people to take care of me. if i love myself i wont be looking for other people to love me i will have all the love i need within myself. i find myself battling my mind, should i say i love you to him today? just because i wanna hear it back??? and that puts stress on him!
like he needs to keep affirming it to me constantly. it will make the words less meaningful. like bless you after a sneeze.
what im trying to get at is, im still looking for someone to take care of me. even after all this time of self healing and progress i still am being a leach so to speak.
i have to be the one who takes care of myself and i need to stop burdening people with another person to take care of. i wrote my old friend crystal an apology letter. i let her know i was sorry for being that burden to her. i told her i was sorry for pretty much not picking up my end. and having her take care of me and i know that it must have created stress in her relationship and i partly blame myself. no finger pointing no wanting anything from her. just a simple apology.
i also apologized to a girl who i wronged back in the 3erd grade. i stole a wallet from her and some running medals too. i have felt bad ever since. so she found me on facebook and i wrote her telling her i was so sorry for what i did. i also called my friend jessica and apologized to her too. i also contacted my ex from colorado and apologized to him for using him.
i should probably let you all know that i lived with him for 2 months. i used him and his money and i felt really bad about doing it. i was very depressed and i made him believe we were in a relationship so i could have a place to live and stay. i tried apologizing to him but all he says is he loves me and its ok. but i know he doesnt get it. i fucked him over. took his money and left for ca. i also stole a bunch of food for the house and things from the mall. i stole a lot of things. probably easily 5,000$ worth of things.
i had to leave utah other wise i'd be homeless. but whose fault was that???? no one's but my own.
so this is what i will be thinking about on my run.
talk to you later
Monday, November 15, 2010
here i go again.
i do this stupid thing where i stall on atkins at around 194 and i think mixing it up will save me. nope. i've been carbing for a few months no running. :( it makes me sad. so i got depressed. i am at 203 right now. that is depressing. im going to start atkins today. i loved how amazing i felt from running i always had this euphoria. i am going through some problems right now. and i feel that running will save me.
dustin went on a lunch date with his ex girlfriend. it really fucked with my head. did he pay for it? did he miss her? did they kiss? did they talk about me? did he tell her he loved her? does he even love me still? then to dull the questions i decided not to worry about it. when he got home he asked if i had any questions for him. he said he found it odd that i didn't ask him anything about it. i told him that i felt like it was personal business and it was his private business and it has nothing to do with me. I told him though that it made me feel very uncomfortable that he went. and even when he told me, i told him it made me feel like he would cheat on me. only, i knew he wouldn't it was just a fear. i was having sex with him last night and i felt like i was huge. too big to be on top. when i take off my clothes i feel so ugly. i hate my apron (thanks amber for the wording). an apron is a flap of skin that hangs off the stomach. in the medical field we call this a panis. This is piece of skin that is removed from a person during a tummy tuck procedure. I have a complex with this weight loss thing. I lose weight. then i gain it back. any where from 5-15 lbs of weight. i have researched this and it is more detrimental to your health than being over weight.
Im having depression issues. i am now aware, NO RUNNING= SAD SARAH
NO RUNNING= NO PROGRESSION IN ANY MATTERS OF LIFE
NO RUNNING = NO LIFE.
running is definitely my forte. I was explaining to dustin one night when he felt like he was going to hurl, " take a deep breath, feel that fresh out side air, feel how cool and crisp it is in your lungs. that is why i love to run, its all purity in my body."
then he told me how good i was at calming him down. he tells me he loves me. he is constantly texting though. it worries me because i feel like he is excluding me from conversations. i notice he has been watching porn too. which doesnt help my feeling insecurities. but why is it that i have to rely on him to make me feel good about myself. its not his responsibility. im responsible for my own happiness. he is a product of it. if im not happy he wont be. after a week of running i always feel so good. my body gets toned. weight decreases. mood is better. mind is better. i sometimes will crave running 2x a day. now im worried that if im gone from the house too much that will give dustin time to fuck around. im scared he will cheat on me. so i know i need to have faith in us. i need to have faith in myself as well. if i dont have that confidence in myself to know im a good person and im beautiful then im going to fuck up my relationship. i want to quit smoking. i want to start running. im changing my goal weight to 180. im changing it to that because i believe i need a small goal. right now i need to lose a total of exactly 50 lbs. its the holiday season now. and its the middle of november. i know that in 1 .5 months i can have lost 15 lbs. i know that if i take a break from running i will want to take a break from my dieting.
my anxiety is so bad lately i dont even pick up the phone. its gotten so out of control. i have never seen it this bad. even right now its bad. i actually forced myself to write. my hands are clammy. my breathing is shallow. i know my arm pits are sweaty.
I had a girlfriend who really let me down. i posted something on my face book. i miss her. but i know i cant really be her friend. my theory on girl friendships are the best ones dont know your other friends. so they cant gossip behind your back. i feel that when given the opportunity females will do it. its a fucked up thought. i trust that a few people will talk about me negatively behind my back. well choose lauretta as an example. she and i have known each other since i was transporting in mission viejo. so that is about 5-6 years. most of our relationship has been over the phone. i trust her with information because i know she is mature enough to handle what i have to say to her. and i am hoping she trusts me because i have proven i can be trusted. relationships are hard. weather you are a girl with girlfriends or your married, they are hard and you need to work on them. like little plants. water, music, love, food. ha ha ha
so im hoping for a better time. i want to weight 180. i want to be happy and i want to run.
dustin went on a lunch date with his ex girlfriend. it really fucked with my head. did he pay for it? did he miss her? did they kiss? did they talk about me? did he tell her he loved her? does he even love me still? then to dull the questions i decided not to worry about it. when he got home he asked if i had any questions for him. he said he found it odd that i didn't ask him anything about it. i told him that i felt like it was personal business and it was his private business and it has nothing to do with me. I told him though that it made me feel very uncomfortable that he went. and even when he told me, i told him it made me feel like he would cheat on me. only, i knew he wouldn't it was just a fear. i was having sex with him last night and i felt like i was huge. too big to be on top. when i take off my clothes i feel so ugly. i hate my apron (thanks amber for the wording). an apron is a flap of skin that hangs off the stomach. in the medical field we call this a panis. This is piece of skin that is removed from a person during a tummy tuck procedure. I have a complex with this weight loss thing. I lose weight. then i gain it back. any where from 5-15 lbs of weight. i have researched this and it is more detrimental to your health than being over weight.
Im having depression issues. i am now aware, NO RUNNING= SAD SARAH
NO RUNNING= NO PROGRESSION IN ANY MATTERS OF LIFE
NO RUNNING = NO LIFE.
running is definitely my forte. I was explaining to dustin one night when he felt like he was going to hurl, " take a deep breath, feel that fresh out side air, feel how cool and crisp it is in your lungs. that is why i love to run, its all purity in my body."
then he told me how good i was at calming him down. he tells me he loves me. he is constantly texting though. it worries me because i feel like he is excluding me from conversations. i notice he has been watching porn too. which doesnt help my feeling insecurities. but why is it that i have to rely on him to make me feel good about myself. its not his responsibility. im responsible for my own happiness. he is a product of it. if im not happy he wont be. after a week of running i always feel so good. my body gets toned. weight decreases. mood is better. mind is better. i sometimes will crave running 2x a day. now im worried that if im gone from the house too much that will give dustin time to fuck around. im scared he will cheat on me. so i know i need to have faith in us. i need to have faith in myself as well. if i dont have that confidence in myself to know im a good person and im beautiful then im going to fuck up my relationship. i want to quit smoking. i want to start running. im changing my goal weight to 180. im changing it to that because i believe i need a small goal. right now i need to lose a total of exactly 50 lbs. its the holiday season now. and its the middle of november. i know that in 1 .5 months i can have lost 15 lbs. i know that if i take a break from running i will want to take a break from my dieting.
my anxiety is so bad lately i dont even pick up the phone. its gotten so out of control. i have never seen it this bad. even right now its bad. i actually forced myself to write. my hands are clammy. my breathing is shallow. i know my arm pits are sweaty.
I had a girlfriend who really let me down. i posted something on my face book. i miss her. but i know i cant really be her friend. my theory on girl friendships are the best ones dont know your other friends. so they cant gossip behind your back. i feel that when given the opportunity females will do it. its a fucked up thought. i trust that a few people will talk about me negatively behind my back. well choose lauretta as an example. she and i have known each other since i was transporting in mission viejo. so that is about 5-6 years. most of our relationship has been over the phone. i trust her with information because i know she is mature enough to handle what i have to say to her. and i am hoping she trusts me because i have proven i can be trusted. relationships are hard. weather you are a girl with girlfriends or your married, they are hard and you need to work on them. like little plants. water, music, love, food. ha ha ha
so im hoping for a better time. i want to weight 180. i want to be happy and i want to run.
Monday, October 18, 2010
so its 9am... ok really let this be the day 1
I had such a bizarre dream last night. I was going through a library that had books which were alive. I was the book master or some fucking shit. I was going through these books and they were all talking at me or moving or opening by themselves. I looked up the dream and it said that to dream of books/library it means that I am looking for or already have gained knowledge. eh, I say it was a fucky dream.
Last night I was just thinking to myself, "would I be more outgoing if I thought I was sexier?"
I dont know but I really kind of think that men wouldn't mind getting married to someone who is skinny.
garf!!!! So today I need to weigh in. And I need to mentally prepare myself for what is coming. I may have gained, however I feel as if I haven't. I feel lighter. I look at my hands and they suggest I haven't gained either.
so i know i wrote yesterday that i cheated and today i will start fresh. i cheat eat for a reason called stress i believe. well last night was different i was feeling starved. I need to get those yam noodles those helped me a lot when i was doing this. duh, should'a known. ha h ahhahahha. any way here i go to weigh in :(
um.... i have actually lost weight. WHAT THE FUCKEN HEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
i went from 197.7 to losing .7 lbs on an extra load day. oh man.
i am just going to say my goal weight is 180 because i dont think i am really getting to 153.
i fear i may be getting too used to hcg. im going to see where this hcg takes me in one week.
like i did last time.
right now i feel hungry and i feel ok. i am not complaining about being 197. i am surprised. very surprised. i was expecting a weight gain not loss. i need to read back on this one lady who did hcg and still lost when she ate what ever she wanted to.
Last night I was just thinking to myself, "would I be more outgoing if I thought I was sexier?"
I dont know but I really kind of think that men wouldn't mind getting married to someone who is skinny.
garf!!!! So today I need to weigh in. And I need to mentally prepare myself for what is coming. I may have gained, however I feel as if I haven't. I feel lighter. I look at my hands and they suggest I haven't gained either.
so i know i wrote yesterday that i cheated and today i will start fresh. i cheat eat for a reason called stress i believe. well last night was different i was feeling starved. I need to get those yam noodles those helped me a lot when i was doing this. duh, should'a known. ha h ahhahahha. any way here i go to weigh in :(
um.... i have actually lost weight. WHAT THE FUCKEN HEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
i went from 197.7 to losing .7 lbs on an extra load day. oh man.
i am just going to say my goal weight is 180 because i dont think i am really getting to 153.
i fear i may be getting too used to hcg. im going to see where this hcg takes me in one week.
like i did last time.
right now i feel hungry and i feel ok. i am not complaining about being 197. i am surprised. very surprised. i was expecting a weight gain not loss. i need to read back on this one lady who did hcg and still lost when she ate what ever she wanted to.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
gerrrrr
just cheated. ::smacks hand:: bad me. tomorrow i will be successful. it made me sick after i cheated. the food was nasty. i see things that make me think i am losing. were just going to consider all these days load days and monday will be nice to be able to look at when i started. i need a job. i need to finish school i need to lose weight. at least one thing i can control right now is the weight loss part!!!
i need more support i think. i think i will walk tomorrow for like 20 minutes. give myself some exercise and get out of the house. we'll see. i know i will have a big blog up tomorrow. ha ha ha oh i know amber is the only one who reads these but hell its helping 2 people. :)
i need more support i think. i think i will walk tomorrow for like 20 minutes. give myself some exercise and get out of the house. we'll see. i know i will have a big blog up tomorrow. ha ha ha oh i know amber is the only one who reads these but hell its helping 2 people. :)
Saturday, October 16, 2010
oh back again. hcg p1 d1
so today is the 15th. and i didnt really gain a whole lot when i quit hcg. when i quit i got up to 196 which is a fucking usual for me. so i had 3 loading days both yesterday and the day before. so today is the legit day. im going to drink my coffee and then go weigh myself. my friend amber got on board too which is nice and funny at the same time. I was somewhat ashamed of trying hcg again after all the talk about how i wont do it again. well i got some 5htp and im hoping that will help me with the depression part of it. im having some emotional problems in regards to my body again. this time dustins mom made it evident that she is still friends with jessica. from what i know of jessica and marilyn, jessica is manipulative and so is marilyn. i dont think that marilyn likes me any more and that she is only friends with jessica to make me feel like shit. so now i feel like i have to work 2x as hard to be a better girl friend and kind of prove to her that im better than that whore. then i think i dont fucking care. and when i say that i feel like if i think that and just do my part around the house and look better than jessica and get skinny they'll see that im good for dustin. the shit part of it is i usually dont care but his family has no respect for him and no respect for me either. thats why marilyn is friends with jessica now. kind of like throwing it in my face. like you dont have my friendship but dustins ex does! ha!! the other day -this is what slapped me in the face, maybe 2 weeks ago we went to see dustins grandma at her grave site and dustins mom was asking dustin about his friend cory. well his mom kind of over stepped her boundries i think. she kept asking personal details and said she found out certain things through another person. so clearly jessica and marilyn talk shit to eachother all the time. then she asked dustin well wasnt that girl he was with that cute small girl?? emphasis on SMALL. right in front of me. fucking woman has no respect. so now i bet she is talking shit about me to his ex and i have no idea who she is. so after that, after hearing that shit im thinking i dont want to give this bitch any more shit to spread about me or dustin. fuck. dustin got a job interview on monday and he is pretty certain he got it. im happy for him. as soon as he starts making money he will be happier. so his mom can stop bitching at him for that. then the house issue he doesnt really want his mom apart of either and i dont blame him because she fucking talks to the ex WHO JUST GOT UP AND LEFT HIM ONE DAY OUT OF THE BLUE!?!!?!?!! so why would, if you were a good mother do that?? its full on bull shit to me. fucking whore. they both are. there are some things about dustin i dont like. but i love him and im sure there are things about me he doesnt like. well i dont like that he thinks he needs to be fucking right all the time. i dont like that he doesnt demand respect from his parents. and i dont like that he lets his family just walk all over him. i dont like some things but other things i love and i can look past those things. so i got on the scale, even with my load days i am at 196.1 lbs!!!?!?!?!??? wow and i fucking ate A SHIT TON OF FOOD!!!!!!!!!! LIKE A SHIT TON i ate a burrito last night and a three layer quesadilla last night with salsa and rice i made myself. fucken hell i cant believe i didnt gain anything. well im fucking fine with that. lets do my favorite part of dieting- THE WISHING HA HA HA
i havent weighed in this morning. im not sure if i even gained anything. i ate a lot of fat yesterday. ive been loading on vegan burgers cooked in oil, we went to pei wei yesterday and i got sweet and sour shrimp with white rice and added extra hot chilli oil on my rice. my friend convinced me to do another load day. i dont know if i can handle it. im losing days until this party to look my very best. 15 lbs.?? seems like a dream come true if you ask me. i am worried that i will just stay at this weight forever. like this is the weight im supposed to stay at. i dont think so. im sick of my fat ass. LOL we took pictures yesterday thanks to my sister and i looked rolly. i had rolls on my stomach, i didnt like how my face looked. like i have so much surface area on my face and i hate that. ok so im at 197.7
today is october 16th. and i weigh 197.7
if i lost 4 lbs by tomorrow. i will be at 193. if i lost 4 more pounds after that i will be at 189.
i just really want to see i 180's again. im trying to watch the biggest loser. that show has given me so much inspiration to lose weight. i love it.
im watching it right now season 10 episode 1 and they are talking about how now for the first time since the cival war life expectancy is lowered because of obesity. what the hell are we doing to our selves. Are we that selfish that we cant control what we eat?? im one of those as well. Im considered over weight right now, but i was obese category II. Im not flaunting this it just makes me well aware that i should be thin and healthy
i havent weighed in this morning. im not sure if i even gained anything. i ate a lot of fat yesterday. ive been loading on vegan burgers cooked in oil, we went to pei wei yesterday and i got sweet and sour shrimp with white rice and added extra hot chilli oil on my rice. my friend convinced me to do another load day. i dont know if i can handle it. im losing days until this party to look my very best. 15 lbs.?? seems like a dream come true if you ask me. i am worried that i will just stay at this weight forever. like this is the weight im supposed to stay at. i dont think so. im sick of my fat ass. LOL we took pictures yesterday thanks to my sister and i looked rolly. i had rolls on my stomach, i didnt like how my face looked. like i have so much surface area on my face and i hate that. ok so im at 197.7
today is october 16th. and i weigh 197.7
if i lost 4 lbs by tomorrow. i will be at 193. if i lost 4 more pounds after that i will be at 189.
i just really want to see i 180's again. im trying to watch the biggest loser. that show has given me so much inspiration to lose weight. i love it.
im watching it right now season 10 episode 1 and they are talking about how now for the first time since the cival war life expectancy is lowered because of obesity. what the hell are we doing to our selves. Are we that selfish that we cant control what we eat?? im one of those as well. Im considered over weight right now, but i was obese category II. Im not flaunting this it just makes me well aware that i should be thin and healthy
Monday, October 4, 2010
for fucks sake
Oh OKAY am I the only one who is sick and tired of trying and trying to lose weight and getting no where? People will tell me all the time, "you look good already you don't need to lose weight." FUCK YOU I DONT NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. HA!! YOU GO AND TRY TELLING SOCIETY I LOOK OK, THEN FIGHT FOR IT LIKE I HAVE AND OTHER FRIENDS I HAVE, HAVE TRIED. 199.9 today.
I fucking am so tired. I am so tired of trying to lose weight. and howie day is not helping my writing situation any at all. ha ha ha.
I am doing atkins day one today. A'ok so dropkick murphys are rocking right now. god i do not want to do anything. i will probably come home and clean house. uggg god i dont want to do anything. my cramps are beating me down. i was supposed to go to a meeting today. yeah didnt go. it was mandatory. fuck im so sick and tired of working too. i just wish i could be lazy and smoke pot all day. those days were fun.
yikes so i started eating carbs this weekend and me and dustin have been doing good. its all in my fucking attitude. when i started on hcg i could tell i was fucking unhappy and getting depressed so fucking bad. i hated that. urrrrggg!!
i was getting so fucking angry. why!!?! i felt like i was turning into his ex. then i was starting to think why are we even together.
im going to start doing tarot card readings on the side so i can get some extra cash. i need to start building clients. ooooo social distortion. its 10:04 and im sitting here typing. im fucking tired and cramping and i have to go to some lady's home to clean her house. i love seeing her but i really am not in the mood to go. fuck me i feel like shit. well here i go again. fuck me i am sticking to atkins its the best thing for me.!!! <3 wish me luck on this road.
I fucking am so tired. I am so tired of trying to lose weight. and howie day is not helping my writing situation any at all. ha ha ha.
I am doing atkins day one today. A'ok so dropkick murphys are rocking right now. god i do not want to do anything. i will probably come home and clean house. uggg god i dont want to do anything. my cramps are beating me down. i was supposed to go to a meeting today. yeah didnt go. it was mandatory. fuck im so sick and tired of working too. i just wish i could be lazy and smoke pot all day. those days were fun.
yikes so i started eating carbs this weekend and me and dustin have been doing good. its all in my fucking attitude. when i started on hcg i could tell i was fucking unhappy and getting depressed so fucking bad. i hated that. urrrrggg!!
i was getting so fucking angry. why!!?! i felt like i was turning into his ex. then i was starting to think why are we even together.
im going to start doing tarot card readings on the side so i can get some extra cash. i need to start building clients. ooooo social distortion. its 10:04 and im sitting here typing. im fucking tired and cramping and i have to go to some lady's home to clean her house. i love seeing her but i really am not in the mood to go. fuck me i feel like shit. well here i go again. fuck me i am sticking to atkins its the best thing for me.!!! <3 wish me luck on this road.
Poem-
A Ride Called Fat
You see her sitting there behind that one stare,
angry and tourmented in a wheel chair.
Or is it him whome sitting behind the computer screen,
sad and depressed without his ice cream.
Could it be that fellow with his mellow yellow,
Like all of these women here and their hips of jell-o.
Insulin dependence is a must,
in sugar filled snacks and trans fats we trust.
Corruption takes her place in our fridge and freezer,
Only now there is one pleaser.
Maybe its that guy in the walmart,
oh boy, where would i start.
the man whose shirt fits too small,
or the ass of the woman who matches a ball?
Over sized appetites,
it is their right.
A super sized dream come true,
$4.99 for a real meal value.
they dont control their urges,
thier wastline splurges.
that kid with his non home cooked meal,
only understands that "home cooked" is a mcdonalds deal.
oversized and repressed,
over stuffed and depressed.
no more sex apeal,
now, just jealously reveal.
change your lives before its too late,
or face your demise and the end of your fate.
You see her sitting there behind that one stare,
angry and tourmented in a wheel chair.
Or is it him whome sitting behind the computer screen,
sad and depressed without his ice cream.
Could it be that fellow with his mellow yellow,
Like all of these women here and their hips of jell-o.
Insulin dependence is a must,
in sugar filled snacks and trans fats we trust.
Corruption takes her place in our fridge and freezer,
Only now there is one pleaser.
Maybe its that guy in the walmart,
oh boy, where would i start.
the man whose shirt fits too small,
or the ass of the woman who matches a ball?
Over sized appetites,
it is their right.
A super sized dream come true,
$4.99 for a real meal value.
they dont control their urges,
thier wastline splurges.
that kid with his non home cooked meal,
only understands that "home cooked" is a mcdonalds deal.
oversized and repressed,
over stuffed and depressed.
no more sex apeal,
now, just jealously reveal.
change your lives before its too late,
or face your demise and the end of your fate.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
blah blah blah
so im just not feeling great lately. my friend jessica tells me that my ex juan, cheated on the girl he cheated on me with, and got another girl pregnant. i have half the mind to write him an email explaining how his actions are fucking dumb. it would go like this:
dear fag,
i know its been a long time coming since you wrote me, but hey what a better time to than now. here is a list of congratulations for knocking up some other dumb whore. congratulations!! your a fucking father. oh, speaking of fathers HA surprise!!! YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER!!!!
forgetting you daily :)
i dont have any fucking sympathy for people who like to play the victims. its ridiculous. especially now since were going to a grave site for dustins grandma and i know for a fact that dustins mom marilyn and nick and totally going to over play the situation. not looking forward to it. i think i want french toast for breakfast today. this shit is lame. i hate people ha ha ha. im going to be doing this side job for a company called primerica. they help families invest extra money they already had and move it to a place where they can actually make money off it. i need some music so i can get over this awful wake up call. mika "big girls are beautiful" drinking my coffee with caramel and whip cream i made myself.
my mother got a letter from her mother talking about how its my moms fault. so im going to call barbara and tell her. you know what? its really nice to know that you are laying a guilt trip on my mom so hard core she is not eating right now at all, and your the reason why all this bullshit happend with me and cassy and my mom. ha!! it would be so nice. she would expect me calling her to surprise her with oh hey come into my life. guess what, your the reason why my mom beat me. your the reason why we lived the way we did you fucking loser. it would be nice to do that. probably wont do it. i dont know. i kind of like seeing barbara fuck with my mom. in like a twisted way. god note to self do not act like the victim. if shit hits the fan embrace it and move on.
god i will not be tempted to continue to just feel FUCKING SORRY FOR MYSELF!! it is around me everywhere!! people here and there feeling sorry for themselves all the time. i fucking am sick and tire of it!!!
dear fag,
i know its been a long time coming since you wrote me, but hey what a better time to than now. here is a list of congratulations for knocking up some other dumb whore. congratulations!! your a fucking father. oh, speaking of fathers HA surprise!!! YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER!!!!
forgetting you daily :)
i dont have any fucking sympathy for people who like to play the victims. its ridiculous. especially now since were going to a grave site for dustins grandma and i know for a fact that dustins mom marilyn and nick and totally going to over play the situation. not looking forward to it. i think i want french toast for breakfast today. this shit is lame. i hate people ha ha ha. im going to be doing this side job for a company called primerica. they help families invest extra money they already had and move it to a place where they can actually make money off it. i need some music so i can get over this awful wake up call. mika "big girls are beautiful" drinking my coffee with caramel and whip cream i made myself.
my mother got a letter from her mother talking about how its my moms fault. so im going to call barbara and tell her. you know what? its really nice to know that you are laying a guilt trip on my mom so hard core she is not eating right now at all, and your the reason why all this bullshit happend with me and cassy and my mom. ha!! it would be so nice. she would expect me calling her to surprise her with oh hey come into my life. guess what, your the reason why my mom beat me. your the reason why we lived the way we did you fucking loser. it would be nice to do that. probably wont do it. i dont know. i kind of like seeing barbara fuck with my mom. in like a twisted way. god note to self do not act like the victim. if shit hits the fan embrace it and move on.
god i will not be tempted to continue to just feel FUCKING SORRY FOR MYSELF!! it is around me everywhere!! people here and there feeling sorry for themselves all the time. i fucking am sick and tire of it!!!
Friday, October 1, 2010
i could not do it.
i was getting so depressed i was just trying to pick fights and crying all the time. i cant fucking take that!!! me and dustin were not talking. i was pissy all the time. jesus losing weight is not worth my relationship. i liked it when i was doing atkins and i was able to run. that is when i was getting my head on straight. this was ruining my fucking hormones they were going ape shit. i think maybe some time down the road i may give it one more shot but i just could not find myself doing this. so im going back to atkins. im going back to the gym and im doing this because it makes me happy. i was more active and on the hcg i was realy resenting people for what they were eating. at least on atkins i had a variety of food and i wasnt starving all the time and i was losing weight. so i may try this again later but fuck i right now think you can do it you can! and i really am not feeling like i can. i think the best way of eating is atkins. i could eat all the shrimp and fish i wanted to, eggs with oil cooking in oil, any veggies, cheeses salads with dressings. i felt so much more peaceful eating this way. i give those who have stuck out hcg kudos. i want to just say i will try it again today but that is because in a sense im tired of being over weight i just want to be at my goal weight. whatever. bitch. its gonna a be another hard tough road. suck it up and run. im already not taking my anti depressants and that hurts me, then i got on hcg and i could not go 4 days without cheating ha ha ha!! i suck ha ha ha!!so today i am 193.2 and im hoping i can drop ten pounds by halloween then. just ten.
i felt like i could eat whatever i wanted to today. we have things to make hashbrowns and french toast and pancakes, really all i made was an egg and fake meat cheese breakfast sandwich with maybe 1 tsp of ketchup
i was looking (oh btw the bread i used was whole grain and only 50 calories per slice more like an english muffin kind of deal) at everything to eat and nothing seemed good too eat to me. like i knew i could binge on whatever i wanted to but it just sounded disgusting. i just wanted a breakfast and i had coffee water and a half a grapefruit. so im thinking this little round kind of cured me of that. i didnt want to binge and i feel very full at the moment.
i want to run it was my anti depressant. its not going to be sunny that much longer so i think running and i know running will do me some fucking good!! :) i need more positivity in my life and running helped me get there. i need a new job. i took a blow over someones fuck up yesterday. i want to work at bio mat so i could rank up a lot of hours and i wouldnt have to wait around for people to call me and drive every where. wasting time money gas and energy. blah.
i have to go to these peoples homes who could easily take care of their family members and they fucking pay someone to do it. i started smoking since i picked up on the hcg stuff. it sucks i stopped running. yeah i may do it in the winter when i cant really run. fuck i bet my running time is off now. ahhhhhhggg. fucking christ im not sure what i want to do. if i stay on hcg i can lose the weight but i keep having such a shit attitude. arrrggg. fuck i dont know what im going to do. i dont know i dont know. i want to do hcg. i want to do atkins. fuck. i just cant handle the mood swings on this. i dont want to do it. i miss running and being happy LOL. my outlook has changed on food though. i am going to stick to atkins though.
i felt like i could eat whatever i wanted to today. we have things to make hashbrowns and french toast and pancakes, really all i made was an egg and fake meat cheese breakfast sandwich with maybe 1 tsp of ketchup
i was looking (oh btw the bread i used was whole grain and only 50 calories per slice more like an english muffin kind of deal) at everything to eat and nothing seemed good too eat to me. like i knew i could binge on whatever i wanted to but it just sounded disgusting. i just wanted a breakfast and i had coffee water and a half a grapefruit. so im thinking this little round kind of cured me of that. i didnt want to binge and i feel very full at the moment.
i want to run it was my anti depressant. its not going to be sunny that much longer so i think running and i know running will do me some fucking good!! :) i need more positivity in my life and running helped me get there. i need a new job. i took a blow over someones fuck up yesterday. i want to work at bio mat so i could rank up a lot of hours and i wouldnt have to wait around for people to call me and drive every where. wasting time money gas and energy. blah.
i have to go to these peoples homes who could easily take care of their family members and they fucking pay someone to do it. i started smoking since i picked up on the hcg stuff. it sucks i stopped running. yeah i may do it in the winter when i cant really run. fuck i bet my running time is off now. ahhhhhhggg. fucking christ im not sure what i want to do. if i stay on hcg i can lose the weight but i keep having such a shit attitude. arrrggg. fuck i dont know what im going to do. i dont know i dont know. i want to do hcg. i want to do atkins. fuck. i just cant handle the mood swings on this. i dont want to do it. i miss running and being happy LOL. my outlook has changed on food though. i am going to stick to atkins though.
Monday, September 27, 2010
today hcg day8 p2
this is fucking rough. i got on the scale today and its up. 193.4 lbs today. I know im behind a few days but shit i really wanted to eat. i think i am going to be starting my menstrausity soon. Yes you read that correctly ha h aha.
Last night I took Dustin to my sisters house and we had a great time! We laughed and went to dinner. I think it was just what he needed :)
I wrote this to my friend who has been a huge part in my inspiration to succeed in my weight loss:
Last night I took Dustin to my sisters house and we had a great time! We laughed and went to dinner. I think it was just what he needed :)
I wrote this to my friend who has been a huge part in my inspiration to succeed in my weight loss:
Sunday, September 26, 2010
ahhhh shit
last night i needed food. i dont give a fuck i needed to eat. as of today im sure that i wont be weighing 189. :(
i could not control my urge to eat anymore. i needed some burritos. ha ha ha. it was delicious.
i feel like i look ok today. i got a glimpse of myself in the mirror and my arms look good. i feel ok for what i did.
i was reading this blog on low carb friends that this one lady was able to eat whatever she wanted to and still lose one pound per day. god my ring wont come off my finger. so today i am at 192.3
that is so ok with me LOL.
i thought it be worse!! so what i lost a day big fuggin deal.
i know i will be ok.
i am glad i did it i want to run.i miss running.
i could not control my urge to eat anymore. i needed some burritos. ha ha ha. it was delicious.
i feel like i look ok today. i got a glimpse of myself in the mirror and my arms look good. i feel ok for what i did.
i was reading this blog on low carb friends that this one lady was able to eat whatever she wanted to and still lose one pound per day. god my ring wont come off my finger. so today i am at 192.3
that is so ok with me LOL.
i thought it be worse!! so what i lost a day big fuggin deal.
i know i will be ok.
i am glad i did it i want to run.i miss running.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
oh boy p1 d6 r1
wow yesterday was really fucking hard on me. this is the worst diet i have ever done. when i say worst i mean it like how my attitude is bad. im mean. im angry!! im negative. i dont like this. but i am sticking to it. god this is really one of the hardest diets i have ever tried.
for one i say anything worth doing is worth the pain attached to it. - they never said weight loss was easy.
im ok not caving in. this is ok for me not to do. im ok with not eating anyones food. just mine.
im not ok with my attitude. im an angry bitch right now. its strange since i have been eating carbs. ketosis is now in as of yesterday and peaked at my weight last night and i was .3 points down. then i have bad breath thanks ketosis. my breasts hurt the worst they have ever hurt. is this common..... lets see...
um... so i just checked the scale. 190.8 today. that means there is a great chance tomorrow i will finally see under 190. i could see 186 tomorrow as how this is working like 4 lbs a day. that is remarkable. i may not have to stay on this for that long. i know that during the second week weight loss slows down. i have 5 days until the end of the month. im going to stay on this. im very moody right now. i dont know about today though i havent really had to talk to any one yet LOL.
i want to have a good day today. i want to be feeling great! i want the rest of the month to go by like super fast so i can relax and lose this weight. if there are five days left that is 5 more lbs im about to lose. so by the end of the month i can deffinatley see 185-186. i have not seen that weight since march maybe april.
if i see that i will feel so much better about myself. and this diet. im impressed that i was able to get down to 190 faster than i could have on atkins. i mean i feel ok right now. i need a little bit of a boost in confidence.
wow, 190 huh i wasnt expecting this until week 2 its only been a few days!!! and i had gained some weight before!!! i am going to see what this brings me. good luck to me i hope
for one i say anything worth doing is worth the pain attached to it. - they never said weight loss was easy.
im ok not caving in. this is ok for me not to do. im ok with not eating anyones food. just mine.
im not ok with my attitude. im an angry bitch right now. its strange since i have been eating carbs. ketosis is now in as of yesterday and peaked at my weight last night and i was .3 points down. then i have bad breath thanks ketosis. my breasts hurt the worst they have ever hurt. is this common..... lets see...
um... so i just checked the scale. 190.8 today. that means there is a great chance tomorrow i will finally see under 190. i could see 186 tomorrow as how this is working like 4 lbs a day. that is remarkable. i may not have to stay on this for that long. i know that during the second week weight loss slows down. i have 5 days until the end of the month. im going to stay on this. im very moody right now. i dont know about today though i havent really had to talk to any one yet LOL.
i want to have a good day today. i want to be feeling great! i want the rest of the month to go by like super fast so i can relax and lose this weight. if there are five days left that is 5 more lbs im about to lose. so by the end of the month i can deffinatley see 185-186. i have not seen that weight since march maybe april.
if i see that i will feel so much better about myself. and this diet. im impressed that i was able to get down to 190 faster than i could have on atkins. i mean i feel ok right now. i need a little bit of a boost in confidence.
wow, 190 huh i wasnt expecting this until week 2 its only been a few days!!! and i had gained some weight before!!! i am going to see what this brings me. good luck to me i hope
Friday, September 24, 2010
i find im writing more....
since im not eating. all im preoccupied about is fucking food!!!! im tired of it!!
i want this hcg cookbook. they have lots of really good things in here.
i want to be able to eat blueberries since i have a huge bag of them. dang. it would be so nice not to have to go out and rebuy a huge thing of strawberries.
so grocery list is:
tuna, shrimp
cilantro
tomatoes
white onion
bag of broccoli
lettuce
strawberries??
apples
im just wasting time really. i have a pt to go see in about 2 hours. so im sitting at starbucks at barnes and noble sitting in front of an interview happening.
i could really go for a few things right now. some tuna, end a hard boiled egg and my melba toast LOL
god im reading about these people who are starving as well on the diet. this sucks big tits. im so so so hungry right now and the smell of cinnamon is soooo smelly. yum.yum.
i wanna eat. im glad that im saving my food for when i get home. i have about an hour before i need to leave here. then it takes me about 45 minutes to take care of this pt. so i can be home at about 7:30 pm. being thin is what i want. im tired of being over weight. although i have lost a huge chunk of weight the one thing that is sticking to me and upsetting me is that i went from this
180- lowest weight march
190-may
195- june
198-july
207-august
199-sept
190-sept
194-now sept.
my weight fluctuates so much. ive been up and down and im so tired of it.
i just want to be done with it. i can let this beat me though. i can eat when i get home. i plan on stopping at the store and buying some shrimp and stuff.
so i guess blueberries are not allowed. i will eat tuna since its cheap and i can eat it. im just going to keep looking at costumes to decide ...
i want this hcg cookbook. they have lots of really good things in here.
i want to be able to eat blueberries since i have a huge bag of them. dang. it would be so nice not to have to go out and rebuy a huge thing of strawberries.
so grocery list is:
tuna, shrimp
cilantro
tomatoes
white onion
bag of broccoli
lettuce
strawberries??
apples
im just wasting time really. i have a pt to go see in about 2 hours. so im sitting at starbucks at barnes and noble sitting in front of an interview happening.
i could really go for a few things right now. some tuna, end a hard boiled egg and my melba toast LOL
god im reading about these people who are starving as well on the diet. this sucks big tits. im so so so hungry right now and the smell of cinnamon is soooo smelly. yum.yum.
i wanna eat. im glad that im saving my food for when i get home. i have about an hour before i need to leave here. then it takes me about 45 minutes to take care of this pt. so i can be home at about 7:30 pm. being thin is what i want. im tired of being over weight. although i have lost a huge chunk of weight the one thing that is sticking to me and upsetting me is that i went from this
180- lowest weight march
190-may
195- june
198-july
207-august
199-sept
190-sept
194-now sept.
my weight fluctuates so much. ive been up and down and im so tired of it.
i just want to be done with it. i can let this beat me though. i can eat when i get home. i plan on stopping at the store and buying some shrimp and stuff.
so i guess blueberries are not allowed. i will eat tuna since its cheap and i can eat it. im just going to keep looking at costumes to decide ...
r1 p1 day 5
so today is day five huh. last night (juyst to let you all know!!! i didnt eat anything i should not have.) i kept it clean. i really wanted food though. i really wanted to say fuck it and just eat what i please. this morning i feel ok, still trying to wake up here. making my morning coffee. so, i go to class tomorrow, 10 hours, then i have my first clinical sunday. god i hope i have tuesday off. i just need one day to recoop. im tired i can start to feel my body run down.
my dream was kind of neat. i was thinner i think. i cannot quite remember. any way.
i have this shirt i dont fit into. its teal and black striped. im sad. i bought it about 2 months ago thinking it would fit me but its too small!
so i decided to hang it up and keep it around for inspiration ;)
i want to fit into it.
so what will today be???? 195? less please, 192, less please how about 189 yeah??? i want that!!! please grant me the power to continue. i really want to weigh little. this is discouraging since my weight has been averaging around oh 198 since may. i hate it. i just want to be below 190 so bad now. im really ready for a fucking change on that scale.wow. so i was 194.5 today. it sucks because thats where i left off to do this diet then blew up to 199 fast.
i dont like this. i dont like it right now i mean. im not hungry but i think i will like to have another cup of coffee.
i wonder what tomorrow will be like. yesterday went by so slow. its because i wanted to eat some normal fucking food. good god. i just am tired of feeling like im dieting all the time.
these are my feelings on it. im tired of feeling hungry and tired. but when i eat normal food like breads and rice my stomach hurts and im gassy.
im ok right now i dont feel any hunger. last night i cooked dustin food. chicken with bbq sauce and sauted veggies in balsamic vinegar, and cheese potatoes. with bisquits.
maybe this is not necessarily me wanting to eat bad just wanting to eat my other food. my friend amber said about a week is what it took for her to get normalized from eating this way.
i hope my paycheck is on the larger side. i could really use some extra money. i cant wait until next pay day. that will be a good day you know why??? because i will be at 180 :)wow 2 weeks huh? that is 14 days. that is october 8th. i would love to be skinny. 180 will be nice. i hope i can be as successful on it as my friend she was losing up to 1.5 lbs. my body is not really used to this diet and i have a lot of fat that is really stored. my arms for sure, my stomach.
which let me tell you, i just realized that (and this is highly embarrassing) that when i was 12/13 i had a pressure sore under my stomach. mine hangs right now. i hate it. im highly embarrassed about it. i have had this gut since i turned 9 years old. its been there and im sure its dormant fat now. when i hit 180 i could notice that there was a significant decrease in its size and it was starting to shrivel up. i have never talked about my stomach.never. i know one of my other friends has one like it too. she is 2-3 inches shorter than weighs 210 or so.
god that girl is so jealous of me. i know it. i have the man she wants to be with. i have the successful weight loss that she wished she had. i really believe she is jealous.
each time we get drinking she talks about my weight loss and says i shouldnt lose any more weight. and tries telling me i shouldnt exercise as much because its bad for my body.
its stupid. her husbad tells her she needs to lose weight all the time. she looks fine! she could lose some weight though like maybe 30 lbs would be good for her health wise. she looks beautiful.
but she is always feeling bad about herself. my other friend is my weight right now. i cant wait to be thinner. i feel much better now that i am back to 194 and im done losing my loading weight. i got to 190 so until i reach 190 or lower all this is going to be repetative weight loss. i've lost the 17 lbs. then i gained 4 and then gained 5 more after that now i am just losing and gaining. i hope this stuff works for me. i feel like im trapped in weight loss limbo. i was 180 in march. i've been up 27 lbs. just lost 17 then i gained a little more. its only day 5 of this hcg and im just wanting to complain. i need to look at it like im sure glad i dont have to buy different clothes just yet ;)
i just counted on the calendar from now until halloween that is 38 days! XD im curious as to what i will be at tomorrow. one week from now i will be in my mid180's i dont know what to be for halloween. i was thinking something good because i will be thinner and around my goal weight when halloween is here. wow. in one month i will look completely different. my one gf i am kind of jealous of. because she is like 185 and looks great!! i couldnt make 185 look that good. im thinking i would be happy at 160. my other friend is 165 ish and she is my height and she looks cute!! no stomach. i just want to know when this bitch will go away!!!
in 20 days i will be around mid 170's. i am looking forward to being any where in my 180's but when i hit my 170's im going to flip out with joy!! my boyfriend will see. then im going to buy some lingerai ah ha ha ha aha and im going to take photos for him and it will be great!! im looking at halloween costumes and i am getting to feel better about this weight loss thing :)
im eager to be healthier and more better looking ha ha ha ::blue steel::
i would love to wake up tomorrow and just have made it to my goal weight. i really hope that dr simeons protocol can help me. help me be the woman i always wanted to be.
my dream was kind of neat. i was thinner i think. i cannot quite remember. any way.
i have this shirt i dont fit into. its teal and black striped. im sad. i bought it about 2 months ago thinking it would fit me but its too small!
so i decided to hang it up and keep it around for inspiration ;)
i want to fit into it.
so what will today be???? 195? less please, 192, less please how about 189 yeah??? i want that!!! please grant me the power to continue. i really want to weigh little. this is discouraging since my weight has been averaging around oh 198 since may. i hate it. i just want to be below 190 so bad now. im really ready for a fucking change on that scale.wow. so i was 194.5 today. it sucks because thats where i left off to do this diet then blew up to 199 fast.
i dont like this. i dont like it right now i mean. im not hungry but i think i will like to have another cup of coffee.
i wonder what tomorrow will be like. yesterday went by so slow. its because i wanted to eat some normal fucking food. good god. i just am tired of feeling like im dieting all the time.
these are my feelings on it. im tired of feeling hungry and tired. but when i eat normal food like breads and rice my stomach hurts and im gassy.
im ok right now i dont feel any hunger. last night i cooked dustin food. chicken with bbq sauce and sauted veggies in balsamic vinegar, and cheese potatoes. with bisquits.
maybe this is not necessarily me wanting to eat bad just wanting to eat my other food. my friend amber said about a week is what it took for her to get normalized from eating this way.
i hope my paycheck is on the larger side. i could really use some extra money. i cant wait until next pay day. that will be a good day you know why??? because i will be at 180 :)wow 2 weeks huh? that is 14 days. that is october 8th. i would love to be skinny. 180 will be nice. i hope i can be as successful on it as my friend she was losing up to 1.5 lbs. my body is not really used to this diet and i have a lot of fat that is really stored. my arms for sure, my stomach.
which let me tell you, i just realized that (and this is highly embarrassing) that when i was 12/13 i had a pressure sore under my stomach. mine hangs right now. i hate it. im highly embarrassed about it. i have had this gut since i turned 9 years old. its been there and im sure its dormant fat now. when i hit 180 i could notice that there was a significant decrease in its size and it was starting to shrivel up. i have never talked about my stomach.never. i know one of my other friends has one like it too. she is 2-3 inches shorter than weighs 210 or so.
god that girl is so jealous of me. i know it. i have the man she wants to be with. i have the successful weight loss that she wished she had. i really believe she is jealous.
each time we get drinking she talks about my weight loss and says i shouldnt lose any more weight. and tries telling me i shouldnt exercise as much because its bad for my body.
its stupid. her husbad tells her she needs to lose weight all the time. she looks fine! she could lose some weight though like maybe 30 lbs would be good for her health wise. she looks beautiful.
but she is always feeling bad about herself. my other friend is my weight right now. i cant wait to be thinner. i feel much better now that i am back to 194 and im done losing my loading weight. i got to 190 so until i reach 190 or lower all this is going to be repetative weight loss. i've lost the 17 lbs. then i gained 4 and then gained 5 more after that now i am just losing and gaining. i hope this stuff works for me. i feel like im trapped in weight loss limbo. i was 180 in march. i've been up 27 lbs. just lost 17 then i gained a little more. its only day 5 of this hcg and im just wanting to complain. i need to look at it like im sure glad i dont have to buy different clothes just yet ;)
i just counted on the calendar from now until halloween that is 38 days! XD im curious as to what i will be at tomorrow. one week from now i will be in my mid180's i dont know what to be for halloween. i was thinking something good because i will be thinner and around my goal weight when halloween is here. wow. in one month i will look completely different. my one gf i am kind of jealous of. because she is like 185 and looks great!! i couldnt make 185 look that good. im thinking i would be happy at 160. my other friend is 165 ish and she is my height and she looks cute!! no stomach. i just want to know when this bitch will go away!!!
in 20 days i will be around mid 170's. i am looking forward to being any where in my 180's but when i hit my 170's im going to flip out with joy!! my boyfriend will see. then im going to buy some lingerai ah ha ha ha aha and im going to take photos for him and it will be great!! im looking at halloween costumes and i am getting to feel better about this weight loss thing :)
im eager to be healthier and more better looking ha ha ha ::blue steel::
i would love to wake up tomorrow and just have made it to my goal weight. i really hope that dr simeons protocol can help me. help me be the woman i always wanted to be.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
HCG R1, P2, Day 4
I hope i did that right up there in the heading.
anyway, i started HCG just a few days ago. Yesterday I felt kind of like everything was really good.
I ate:
1 small apple
4 eggs. 3 whites - 1 whole
strawberries
cucumber
broccoli
shrimp (with dry mustard, garlic salt, pepper)
2 melba toasts
while last night i went to bed hungry, i really wanted to eat. i was having cravings. i wanted to just say oh maybe this could be day three of loading. no, i stuck to it.
i have not weighed myself but i did record my inches, arm, waist and hips and weight.
i hate it but i got up to 199 from loading. that is so discouraging. makes me feel like i will never see the likes of 180 ever!
i dont know why they dont recomend you eating breakfast. its the most important meal of the day!!
i would eat eggs in the AM with a tomato. for breakfast. then eat the melba toast with my fruit for lunch and dinner eat my other protein with my veggie. see. thats how i'd do it.
any way. i want to hope i can go and run after this. i dont want to be out of shape by the time i am allowed to actually go out and do some activities.
i did notice one thing. my ring does not fit my ring finger any more it got too big. which does not make sense to me because i reached on the scale at 199. then i tried putting it on my middle finger and it was slipping off that too. and i ate salt. i think this dr simeon knew a thing or two about protein difficiancy.
well i drank my coffee im going to the rest room brb......................... ok 196.3 today YAY!!!!
a little bit better i feel-----
cassy drew me this picture one time on an IM
========>
)
HA HA HA AHHAHAH
today i feel good. i feel like how i felt when i was on atkins.
i was doing a little math and it seems as though if i would lose all my weight i would have to lose 43 lbs.
however i can only lose 38 on a single round. so by losing 38 lbs i will be at 158. suggesting that 38 lbs would leave me at 38 days (since 1 pound per day) that would be around 1.2 months or so.
so if i am good and i continue to do this and its working for me, i could be 190 at the end of next week. AND by the end of next month i would be 160. wow. by halloween i will be making all the girls' who are jealous of me right now (can name one person)
she is kind of making me mad right now. im with her best friend in the whole world and she is making me feel bad. she doesnt look at me the same any more. she is struggling with her weight. and if she saw me at 160 she would flip out and kill over with jealousy. and so would all my other friends. if i got to 160 that would be a weight loss of 120 lbs!! when i hit 153 that would be amazing. but as far as im concerned wouldnt i have to OOHHHH!!! (bright light above head just turned on!!)
that is why my friend said she had to gain? would i have to gain some pounds in order to do another round? that kind of sounds unhealthy.
eh.... ill ask her. when i was 180 i was wearing a size 14 and that was the smallest i had ever been. im lucky and happy i only got up to an average of 196. i peaked at 207 and was like what the fuck am i doing!!!! GET BACK ON TRACK YOU FAT BITCH!!! ha ha h ahahahahhhaha not really but i knew i was fucking up. and i had to change it. this is lame but i have not gotten paid yet, and i have to drive to draper in my boyfriends gas guzzler truck and i only have seven bucks to my name and i get paid tomorrow. stupid. my fuel injector went out so now i get to battle menlove about why they didnt take care of the car and i have to do these repairs that is tedious and i shouldnt have to do them. i am paying 7 grand more than what the car is worth. but i needed a car. dustin makes sure i know THAT HE WAS FUCKING RIGHT. god, i dont care you know if i have to say that someone is right and i was wrong ill fucking say it.
but if someone sits there and is like "i told you so" i wanna bitch slap them like the first day they were born!!!
some fucking people. i feel like sometimes im the only one on the planet that doesnt say i told you so. DONT YOU THINK THEY ALREADY KNOW!!!
well im glad i got to 196. im miffed though because on atkins i got to 190. and i was already kind of getting ready for what october would bring me as far as atkins went. but i like this protocol (ha ha ha thanks amber!!)
because its reseting my hypothalamus. and i would not over eat ever again. i wont desire food like i would desire a drug. and that is what my point was on atkins.
you know i would love it if i got to 160 and was like holy shit!! im going to stop there because i look great ha ha ha . i just want to be done trying to lose. i want to finally start just maintaining.
i told dustin i wish i could just do crash dieting, ha ha ha but i know its not healthy. and i would gain it all back.
his mom did shit like that. she's nuts. i dont agree with crash diets any more. i used to be all for them but since i started losing weight the right way since last year im over that
i just wrote this to my friend but i think its important!!
dustin was watching me eat on atkins and saying that i wasnt eating normal. then when we went to cafe rio for my load day he said i was finally eating normal but i ate so much i wanted to throw up!!! i only had a bean and rice and cheese burrito. he porks out all the time he's fit. but he said that i wasnt being healthy. and when i would get a off feeling (because i had a seizure last wed. and that is a typical feeling) he said "would you please eat something!?! i worry about you. WHAT THE FUCK!!! your ass wont be complaining when im wearing A FUCKING SIZE 8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he wouldnt care if i was skinny lol. he'd be like oh, shit , she was right. then i would force him to tell me i was right. bitch.
god i cant wait til this weight is off. every one is going to flip out. even me. i want to look back on my pictures and say i will never be like that again. this is a new sarah.
i've broken the pattern i had with binge eating. i've gotten my support. my best friend amber has given me that.
she is an amazing inspiration to me. i know she will read that ;)
lol
now im holding the hcg under my tongue for more than 15 sec. since she suggested i do that so i can get my jew money's worth.
well i am going to close that with an "im excited to see what the fucking scale brings tomorrow!"
cant fucking wait to see 189 soon.
i want to be healthy and rid of this extra weight. i already have a new outlook on life and learned a bunch of lessons. however the one i need to learn now is the confidence one. i want to be confident. and say to myself he didnt check her out because your hotter than she is HA HA HA HAHA
anyway, i started HCG just a few days ago. Yesterday I felt kind of like everything was really good.
I ate:
1 small apple
4 eggs. 3 whites - 1 whole
strawberries
cucumber
broccoli
shrimp (with dry mustard, garlic salt, pepper)
2 melba toasts
while last night i went to bed hungry, i really wanted to eat. i was having cravings. i wanted to just say oh maybe this could be day three of loading. no, i stuck to it.
i have not weighed myself but i did record my inches, arm, waist and hips and weight.
i hate it but i got up to 199 from loading. that is so discouraging. makes me feel like i will never see the likes of 180 ever!
i dont know why they dont recomend you eating breakfast. its the most important meal of the day!!
i would eat eggs in the AM with a tomato. for breakfast. then eat the melba toast with my fruit for lunch and dinner eat my other protein with my veggie. see. thats how i'd do it.
any way. i want to hope i can go and run after this. i dont want to be out of shape by the time i am allowed to actually go out and do some activities.
i did notice one thing. my ring does not fit my ring finger any more it got too big. which does not make sense to me because i reached on the scale at 199. then i tried putting it on my middle finger and it was slipping off that too. and i ate salt. i think this dr simeon knew a thing or two about protein difficiancy.
well i drank my coffee im going to the rest room brb......................... ok 196.3 today YAY!!!!
a little bit better i feel-----
cassy drew me this picture one time on an IM
========>
)
HA HA HA AHHAHAH
today i feel good. i feel like how i felt when i was on atkins.
i was doing a little math and it seems as though if i would lose all my weight i would have to lose 43 lbs.
however i can only lose 38 on a single round. so by losing 38 lbs i will be at 158. suggesting that 38 lbs would leave me at 38 days (since 1 pound per day) that would be around 1.2 months or so.
so if i am good and i continue to do this and its working for me, i could be 190 at the end of next week. AND by the end of next month i would be 160. wow. by halloween i will be making all the girls' who are jealous of me right now (can name one person)
she is kind of making me mad right now. im with her best friend in the whole world and she is making me feel bad. she doesnt look at me the same any more. she is struggling with her weight. and if she saw me at 160 she would flip out and kill over with jealousy. and so would all my other friends. if i got to 160 that would be a weight loss of 120 lbs!! when i hit 153 that would be amazing. but as far as im concerned wouldnt i have to OOHHHH!!! (bright light above head just turned on!!)
that is why my friend said she had to gain? would i have to gain some pounds in order to do another round? that kind of sounds unhealthy.
eh.... ill ask her. when i was 180 i was wearing a size 14 and that was the smallest i had ever been. im lucky and happy i only got up to an average of 196. i peaked at 207 and was like what the fuck am i doing!!!! GET BACK ON TRACK YOU FAT BITCH!!! ha ha h ahahahahhhaha not really but i knew i was fucking up. and i had to change it. this is lame but i have not gotten paid yet, and i have to drive to draper in my boyfriends gas guzzler truck and i only have seven bucks to my name and i get paid tomorrow. stupid. my fuel injector went out so now i get to battle menlove about why they didnt take care of the car and i have to do these repairs that is tedious and i shouldnt have to do them. i am paying 7 grand more than what the car is worth. but i needed a car. dustin makes sure i know THAT HE WAS FUCKING RIGHT. god, i dont care you know if i have to say that someone is right and i was wrong ill fucking say it.
but if someone sits there and is like "i told you so" i wanna bitch slap them like the first day they were born!!!
some fucking people. i feel like sometimes im the only one on the planet that doesnt say i told you so. DONT YOU THINK THEY ALREADY KNOW!!!
well im glad i got to 196. im miffed though because on atkins i got to 190. and i was already kind of getting ready for what october would bring me as far as atkins went. but i like this protocol (ha ha ha thanks amber!!)
because its reseting my hypothalamus. and i would not over eat ever again. i wont desire food like i would desire a drug. and that is what my point was on atkins.
you know i would love it if i got to 160 and was like holy shit!! im going to stop there because i look great ha ha ha . i just want to be done trying to lose. i want to finally start just maintaining.
i told dustin i wish i could just do crash dieting, ha ha ha but i know its not healthy. and i would gain it all back.
his mom did shit like that. she's nuts. i dont agree with crash diets any more. i used to be all for them but since i started losing weight the right way since last year im over that
i just wrote this to my friend but i think its important!!
dustin was watching me eat on atkins and saying that i wasnt eating normal. then when we went to cafe rio for my load day he said i was finally eating normal but i ate so much i wanted to throw up!!! i only had a bean and rice and cheese burrito. he porks out all the time he's fit. but he said that i wasnt being healthy. and when i would get a off feeling (because i had a seizure last wed. and that is a typical feeling) he said "would you please eat something!?! i worry about you. WHAT THE FUCK!!! your ass wont be complaining when im wearing A FUCKING SIZE 8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he wouldnt care if i was skinny lol. he'd be like oh, shit , she was right. then i would force him to tell me i was right. bitch.
god i cant wait til this weight is off. every one is going to flip out. even me. i want to look back on my pictures and say i will never be like that again. this is a new sarah.
i've broken the pattern i had with binge eating. i've gotten my support. my best friend amber has given me that.
she is an amazing inspiration to me. i know she will read that ;)
lol
now im holding the hcg under my tongue for more than 15 sec. since she suggested i do that so i can get my jew money's worth.
well i am going to close that with an "im excited to see what the fucking scale brings tomorrow!"
cant fucking wait to see 189 soon.
i want to be healthy and rid of this extra weight. i already have a new outlook on life and learned a bunch of lessons. however the one i need to learn now is the confidence one. i want to be confident. and say to myself he didnt check her out because your hotter than she is HA HA HA HAHA
Monday, September 20, 2010
cheated but hey
so i went like 22 days without carbs and last night i ate pizza and ice cream and chips and salsa.
im now ok to openly admit my faults. if this was perhaps 4 months ago i would ignore everything and not write or confront myself on this. and i am doing that right now by typing. i felt pretty gross and i feel pretty gross still.
i didnt eat a whole lot of food which was good. i only at equivalent to maybe 1 slice of pizza and a few bites of ice cream and some chips and salsa. i didnt eat like i used to. im proud of that too.
im proud of myself for forgiving me. and not dwelling on it and getting back up and doing it right!
im proud of myself for confronting myself and knowing what i did was not good and not going back to that.
plus i was plugged up and i couldnt handle that either. but i will get there!! no problem :)
im now ok to openly admit my faults. if this was perhaps 4 months ago i would ignore everything and not write or confront myself on this. and i am doing that right now by typing. i felt pretty gross and i feel pretty gross still.
i didnt eat a whole lot of food which was good. i only at equivalent to maybe 1 slice of pizza and a few bites of ice cream and some chips and salsa. i didnt eat like i used to. im proud of that too.
im proud of myself for forgiving me. and not dwelling on it and getting back up and doing it right!
im proud of myself for confronting myself and knowing what i did was not good and not going back to that.
plus i was plugged up and i couldnt handle that either. but i will get there!! no problem :)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
crap.
BLOG
so, well, last night was kind of fucky. my car is pulling some bullshit with the transmission.
god i had a dream i was a nurse last night. i was doing some plasma aphresis and this other nurse was talking to me about the percentage of white blood cells to the dead ones and we need to make sure that lukemia doesnt get trapped with the patient.
it was crazy, i loved it i woke up and was a little bumed that i was not waking up to being a nurse that day.
last night nick and dustin got into a huge fight. i really wish it had escalated so that dustin would kick nick out. but at one point dustin told nick to pack his shit and get the fuck out.
nick was instigating so much. telling dustin he needs to get a job and that nick is the only one who feeds the dog. and that nick takes better care of chance than dustin does.
nicks a piece of shit and i really saw this happen yesterday when i was seeing dustins cards i really dont see nick around so i will not worry :) i dont give a fuck where he goes he's not welocmed here.
not sure about weight loss today im a bit nervous to jump on that scale since yesterday i was craving snacks soooo bad. i dont have much time to type on here i need to make breakfast and finish getting ready for school.
it was very stressful yesterday but dustin was good to me and really cheered me up!
i didnt sleep too well last night i was so fucking hot. it was norm temp though is what dustin said
but i was burning up so high.
ok, breakfast, make up, school books alright ttyl
grrr 195. so what i wrote before on the 15th and 16th i was 190 well, maybe i just need to take a page out of other peoples books and just weigh myself 1 time per month or week but shit im obsessed with the scale!! today will be a low sodium day then.
i like to do this, lots of water veggies and no or little fake meat :) protien! woo! do it to it!!
i hope i dont get discouraged soon
9/19
nick is drunk and its 0610 in the morning he can barley stand up straight and walk down stairs.
my internet connection is poor right now and i hate that.
lately its been really nice between dustin and i. its been really getting good. were so much more playful than usual latley. monday i have work and i think im off tuesday. ok im not off tuesday. i actually have to go in from 7-8 to dress this woman and get her ready for bed.
i want to go running but i have been kind of smoking on and off here and there.
i am seeing trouble on the scale. up a few pounds but i know that is from water weight.
i wish i could do some research about sodium and too much of it. i had quite a bit of potassium yesterday. i hope i get on that scale and see a nice number i cant wait until im below 190.
when i see 180 i will be so happy. i already feel really good about myself and i have encouraged others. like my new friend natalie. she is 5'8 and weighed in at 256. she is 60 lbs heavier than i.
now that i think about it i think there may be a link between water weight and green tea.
because when i stop drinking it water weight seems to get worse
so, well, last night was kind of fucky. my car is pulling some bullshit with the transmission.
god i had a dream i was a nurse last night. i was doing some plasma aphresis and this other nurse was talking to me about the percentage of white blood cells to the dead ones and we need to make sure that lukemia doesnt get trapped with the patient.
it was crazy, i loved it i woke up and was a little bumed that i was not waking up to being a nurse that day.
last night nick and dustin got into a huge fight. i really wish it had escalated so that dustin would kick nick out. but at one point dustin told nick to pack his shit and get the fuck out.
nick was instigating so much. telling dustin he needs to get a job and that nick is the only one who feeds the dog. and that nick takes better care of chance than dustin does.
nicks a piece of shit and i really saw this happen yesterday when i was seeing dustins cards i really dont see nick around so i will not worry :) i dont give a fuck where he goes he's not welocmed here.
not sure about weight loss today im a bit nervous to jump on that scale since yesterday i was craving snacks soooo bad. i dont have much time to type on here i need to make breakfast and finish getting ready for school.
it was very stressful yesterday but dustin was good to me and really cheered me up!
i didnt sleep too well last night i was so fucking hot. it was norm temp though is what dustin said
but i was burning up so high.
ok, breakfast, make up, school books alright ttyl
grrr 195. so what i wrote before on the 15th and 16th i was 190 well, maybe i just need to take a page out of other peoples books and just weigh myself 1 time per month or week but shit im obsessed with the scale!! today will be a low sodium day then.
i like to do this, lots of water veggies and no or little fake meat :) protien! woo! do it to it!!
i hope i dont get discouraged soon
9/19
nick is drunk and its 0610 in the morning he can barley stand up straight and walk down stairs.
my internet connection is poor right now and i hate that.
lately its been really nice between dustin and i. its been really getting good. were so much more playful than usual latley. monday i have work and i think im off tuesday. ok im not off tuesday. i actually have to go in from 7-8 to dress this woman and get her ready for bed.
i want to go running but i have been kind of smoking on and off here and there.
i am seeing trouble on the scale. up a few pounds but i know that is from water weight.
i wish i could do some research about sodium and too much of it. i had quite a bit of potassium yesterday. i hope i get on that scale and see a nice number i cant wait until im below 190.
when i see 180 i will be so happy. i already feel really good about myself and i have encouraged others. like my new friend natalie. she is 5'8 and weighed in at 256. she is 60 lbs heavier than i.
now that i think about it i think there may be a link between water weight and green tea.
because when i stop drinking it water weight seems to get worse
Friday, September 17, 2010
day twenty one induction
yesterday all i wanted were salads. i ate 3 salads yesterday!!! THREE!! dustin bought this amazing lettuce and i cut come colby jack cheese into tiny cubes and added diced pickles, brushetta i made, olive oil, vinegar, lemon juice, green onions. i think that might have been all but it was so delicious. and im sure 3 cups was = out to 1 net carb. so i was eating 1.5 cups x three. i probably didnt eat all my carbs yesterday. i was not feeling good.
i had a dream where a friend was going out of town and she needed money and the only money i had was change so i was gathering up all this change i had left for her. and we were going up this hill for her ceremony and there were hornets everywhere and i was scared. i hate bees. they're terrifying to me.
any way, yesterday was my dad's birthday and i did not even send him a hello. im still pist off about the conversation we had. im angry at how selfish those two are. like i said previously my cousin says that OCD runs in the family. and my mother is a compulsive liar. and i know i got that too. i know that sometimes i have the urge to lie just to lie. and i stop myself and say there is no reason for that. it was first brought to my attention by my grandmother. she was asking me why are you lying because there is no reason for that. it was way worse when i was younger. i am much better at it. i would mostly lie at work probably because those people didnt know me that well.
and i would find white lies to tell. like with juan i would lie to him and tell him all these guys were hitting on me and tell him that this guy asked me to dinner.
i think it was more for the fact that i wanted attention from him. they are never huge wopping lies. except when i was in elementary school and i told my whole class my grandpa was on the titanic. then i told them that he was one of the origional colony men for america.
i see now that it was for attention. i am sure of it. my parents never gave a shit. and neither did kids at school.
but the worst compulsion i have is eating.
i was just thinking the other day because we passed this subway. i went to a quicky mart and then headed to this subway. i told myself i should start eating better and so i gave the girl at the window my kit kat because i already ate my cinnamon bun. its ridiculous. my family, " well i over eat too honey" "HA! no you dont go from fast food place to the next because you just WANT to eat not because your full and need to stop"
it was so embarassing and at the same time relieving that i told my aunt i just would do that all the time. im like EVERYONE!! I HAVE AN EATING ADDICTION!!- --- it feels like people will laugh at me and say no, you just like food a lot.
sorry. i hate it when people will down play my situations.
last night dustin made popcorn. popcorn was one of my most favorite foods (next to pizza, cheesecake and beer)
that i had to give up. so i think i took up coffee instead LOLOLOLOLLOl
well, he was eating this pop corn right in front of me and even though it smelled so fucking delish! i still had not even eaten one bite.
oooohhh nice yesterday im at 190 and today im at 195 ha ha ha stupid water. i ate quite a bit of avocado. i need to stop eating so much cado.
well im proud of myself for not eating anything bad and staying on track for 21 days. i never want to see 200 on the scale for me again. ever. 200 is a number i will never accept. ever.
i have to drive all the way to sandy today for my 2 hour client. drive 30 minutes, for 22 bucks. i dont know. i have class this weekend and i know i need to read.
nick, dustins cousin is an alcoholic and he's pissing me off way bad.
the plan here is to make as much money until sarah goes to school so they can move into a rental house or something
worse case scenario we rent an apartment and we have to put his things in storage.
well aparently nick was drunk when he went to work the other day. nick and dustin were play fighting and nick got some bruising on his back. it was fairly shocking since it looked pretty bad.
well all nick does is drink. and since JUNE he has lost 30 lbs. and its mid september. its a lot of weight to lose.
and all he does is drink. so he had these aweful bruises. well dustins mom calls and is like "what did you do to him!!>?!?!" and he said we were just fucking around and she gets pissy with him. its stupid because that means when marilyn went to nicks work to see him he fucking pulled up his shirt and was like look at what dustin did to me.
i fucking hate nick i hate that i have to live with him. i fantasize sometimes that he doesnt live with us and it makes me so much happier.
i didnt tell dustin this but the reason why im having the new place in my name is so that I can be the one to say no nick cannot live with us.
dustins mom always gives him the guilt trip about everything. one minute she's like i cant stand him!! get him out of here!!
and the next he's on board and she's like oh wait give him another chance. i dont really care for her.
she is wishy washy. if you have something on your mind speak it but be respectful. one time she got on my nerves and was like whoa take a chill pill ok sheesh. im like whatever you just fucking barked up my goddamn tree and im not saying shit because he loves you so i had to be the better person.
she and nick both pick fights with people just to fight. im not looking forward to the hollidays. well ok, i am and im not. i will be super skinny by holiday time and im not looking forward to it because i dont want anything to do with his fucked up family.
he hates his family too. he loves mine though which is cool.
but he's so stressed out.
i love him i would do a lot for him
weight loss_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
ketones were way up there yesterday VERY HIGH
i drank a lot of water at night, kept waking up to piss all the time though. this morning i had morning star sausage and eggs. which equals around 2-3 net carbs.
lunch i might just come home and nap im tired and i need to study for my class tomorrow.
and laundry too. dustin is sick i hope he gets well soon though.
well, today im going to lay off the cheese a bit and hopefully the water weight can chill out.
i go through olive oil like no ones business.
dinner i would love some salmon.
i've been using aloe vera on my skin lately my face broke out. i just need to remember water weight around TOM is a BITCH!!!
and i should not pay attention to it.
maybe i should just weigh in once a month HAHA HA AH i really met someone on here that did that!!
well im proud of myself and cannot wait until i hit 180. at the end of the month i hope i get there. easy on sodium though :) have a great day because i know i will!!!
i had a dream where a friend was going out of town and she needed money and the only money i had was change so i was gathering up all this change i had left for her. and we were going up this hill for her ceremony and there were hornets everywhere and i was scared. i hate bees. they're terrifying to me.
any way, yesterday was my dad's birthday and i did not even send him a hello. im still pist off about the conversation we had. im angry at how selfish those two are. like i said previously my cousin says that OCD runs in the family. and my mother is a compulsive liar. and i know i got that too. i know that sometimes i have the urge to lie just to lie. and i stop myself and say there is no reason for that. it was first brought to my attention by my grandmother. she was asking me why are you lying because there is no reason for that. it was way worse when i was younger. i am much better at it. i would mostly lie at work probably because those people didnt know me that well.
and i would find white lies to tell. like with juan i would lie to him and tell him all these guys were hitting on me and tell him that this guy asked me to dinner.
i think it was more for the fact that i wanted attention from him. they are never huge wopping lies. except when i was in elementary school and i told my whole class my grandpa was on the titanic. then i told them that he was one of the origional colony men for america.
i see now that it was for attention. i am sure of it. my parents never gave a shit. and neither did kids at school.
but the worst compulsion i have is eating.
i was just thinking the other day because we passed this subway. i went to a quicky mart and then headed to this subway. i told myself i should start eating better and so i gave the girl at the window my kit kat because i already ate my cinnamon bun. its ridiculous. my family, " well i over eat too honey" "HA! no you dont go from fast food place to the next because you just WANT to eat not because your full and need to stop"
it was so embarassing and at the same time relieving that i told my aunt i just would do that all the time. im like EVERYONE!! I HAVE AN EATING ADDICTION!!- --- it feels like people will laugh at me and say no, you just like food a lot.
sorry. i hate it when people will down play my situations.
last night dustin made popcorn. popcorn was one of my most favorite foods (next to pizza, cheesecake and beer)
that i had to give up. so i think i took up coffee instead LOLOLOLOLLOl
well, he was eating this pop corn right in front of me and even though it smelled so fucking delish! i still had not even eaten one bite.
oooohhh nice yesterday im at 190 and today im at 195 ha ha ha stupid water. i ate quite a bit of avocado. i need to stop eating so much cado.
well im proud of myself for not eating anything bad and staying on track for 21 days. i never want to see 200 on the scale for me again. ever. 200 is a number i will never accept. ever.
i have to drive all the way to sandy today for my 2 hour client. drive 30 minutes, for 22 bucks. i dont know. i have class this weekend and i know i need to read.
nick, dustins cousin is an alcoholic and he's pissing me off way bad.
the plan here is to make as much money until sarah goes to school so they can move into a rental house or something
worse case scenario we rent an apartment and we have to put his things in storage.
well aparently nick was drunk when he went to work the other day. nick and dustin were play fighting and nick got some bruising on his back. it was fairly shocking since it looked pretty bad.
well all nick does is drink. and since JUNE he has lost 30 lbs. and its mid september. its a lot of weight to lose.
and all he does is drink. so he had these aweful bruises. well dustins mom calls and is like "what did you do to him!!>?!?!" and he said we were just fucking around and she gets pissy with him. its stupid because that means when marilyn went to nicks work to see him he fucking pulled up his shirt and was like look at what dustin did to me.
i fucking hate nick i hate that i have to live with him. i fantasize sometimes that he doesnt live with us and it makes me so much happier.
i didnt tell dustin this but the reason why im having the new place in my name is so that I can be the one to say no nick cannot live with us.
dustins mom always gives him the guilt trip about everything. one minute she's like i cant stand him!! get him out of here!!
and the next he's on board and she's like oh wait give him another chance. i dont really care for her.
she is wishy washy. if you have something on your mind speak it but be respectful. one time she got on my nerves and was like whoa take a chill pill ok sheesh. im like whatever you just fucking barked up my goddamn tree and im not saying shit because he loves you so i had to be the better person.
she and nick both pick fights with people just to fight. im not looking forward to the hollidays. well ok, i am and im not. i will be super skinny by holiday time and im not looking forward to it because i dont want anything to do with his fucked up family.
he hates his family too. he loves mine though which is cool.
but he's so stressed out.
i love him i would do a lot for him
weight loss_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
ketones were way up there yesterday VERY HIGH
i drank a lot of water at night, kept waking up to piss all the time though. this morning i had morning star sausage and eggs. which equals around 2-3 net carbs.
lunch i might just come home and nap im tired and i need to study for my class tomorrow.
and laundry too. dustin is sick i hope he gets well soon though.
well, today im going to lay off the cheese a bit and hopefully the water weight can chill out.
i go through olive oil like no ones business.
dinner i would love some salmon.
i've been using aloe vera on my skin lately my face broke out. i just need to remember water weight around TOM is a BITCH!!!
and i should not pay attention to it.
maybe i should just weigh in once a month HAHA HA AH i really met someone on here that did that!!
well im proud of myself and cannot wait until i hit 180. at the end of the month i hope i get there. easy on sodium though :) have a great day because i know i will!!!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
goal
GOAL 1: 197 MET!!!
GOAL 2: 192 MET!!!
GOAL 3: 190 MET!!!
GOAL 4: 188
GOAL 5: 186
GOAL 6: 184
GOAL 7: 182
GOAL 8: 180
GOAL 9: 178
GOAL 10: 176
GOAL 11: 174
GOAL 12: 172
GOAL 13: 170
GOAL 14: 168
GOAL 15: 166
GOAL 16: 164
GOAL 17: 162
GOAL 18: 160
GOAL 19: 158
GOAL 20: 156
GOAL 21: 154
GOAL 22: 153
GOAL 2: 192 MET!!!
GOAL 3: 190 MET!!!
GOAL 4: 188
GOAL 5: 186
GOAL 6: 184
GOAL 7: 182
GOAL 8: 180
GOAL 9: 178
GOAL 10: 176
GOAL 11: 174
GOAL 12: 172
GOAL 13: 170
GOAL 14: 168
GOAL 15: 166
GOAL 16: 164
GOAL 17: 162
GOAL 18: 160
GOAL 19: 158
GOAL 20: 156
GOAL 21: 154
GOAL 22: 153
day twenty induction lucky to be alive today-
last night was not a good night. i had seizures. i kept passing out and dustin was freaking out so much. i kept waking out of it and seeing him cry and he was like baby baby please wake up i could hear him.
we were watching stone sour and they had far too many blinking lights so i thought i could handle it if i dont look at them. then i felt a pretty bad headache coming on so i ran off and dustin went to get me some water. well, i sat on the grass and my body felt like it was trying to clinch together. my jaw got tight my sight was blurry and dustin didnt know what to do and i just told him dont let me go to sleep and dont lie me down and just keep talking to me so i know im ok. then i started feeling odd, i cant remember a whole lot after that and i all of a sudden saw this woman i couldnt really hear what she was saying and i just wanted to go to the truck. i should have gone to the ER i dont know why i didnt, i remember getting up this hill and dusting was crying and i didnt know what was happening i was so scared and i started crying then i felt like i was fine. then i would drop to my knees and start shaking again. i was so scared and so was dustin.
he was sooo kind to me. it makes me want to cry right now!
he was talking to me telling me how beautiful i am and if i make it tonight he would make me breakfast and take care of me.
i was on the ground and he was trying to pick me up i kept passing out over and over again.
he was holding me and asking talk to me baby what do you want in life huh? and i said i want to be skinny, and i want to be a nurse and i want to be your wife.
it was a fucked up night. i kept passing out in the truck and he was driving i remember him saying (barley remember ) oh god please dont make me do cpr on you oh god just make it though!! he kept smacking my face and trying to get me to wake up.
i could hear him for a sec and then i blacked out again and this kept happening until we got home and he got me an ice pack for my body.
my body was over heating and i put my feet up.
that must have been one of the scariest times i have ever been through.
ive had them before but never this bad.
never to the point that i would stop breathing.
i am changing the subject, i needed to get that out there and i didnt want to keep it in.
on a better note i am 190.3 right now.
i drank my coffee and im going to be taking my bee pollen, ginko, and my b12
and drink some green tea too.
im not really hungry i just know i need to eat my head is starting to hurt again.
i was hyper ventelating so bad my body was tingly all over my face and hands
ahhh- im greatful for my weight loss. -17 lbs since august 27th.
that means by sept 27th i will be around 180!! and that is -27 lbs!!
that is so great!! i am doing wonderfully!!
we were watching stone sour and they had far too many blinking lights so i thought i could handle it if i dont look at them. then i felt a pretty bad headache coming on so i ran off and dustin went to get me some water. well, i sat on the grass and my body felt like it was trying to clinch together. my jaw got tight my sight was blurry and dustin didnt know what to do and i just told him dont let me go to sleep and dont lie me down and just keep talking to me so i know im ok. then i started feeling odd, i cant remember a whole lot after that and i all of a sudden saw this woman i couldnt really hear what she was saying and i just wanted to go to the truck. i should have gone to the ER i dont know why i didnt, i remember getting up this hill and dusting was crying and i didnt know what was happening i was so scared and i started crying then i felt like i was fine. then i would drop to my knees and start shaking again. i was so scared and so was dustin.
he was sooo kind to me. it makes me want to cry right now!
he was talking to me telling me how beautiful i am and if i make it tonight he would make me breakfast and take care of me.
i was on the ground and he was trying to pick me up i kept passing out over and over again.
he was holding me and asking talk to me baby what do you want in life huh? and i said i want to be skinny, and i want to be a nurse and i want to be your wife.
it was a fucked up night. i kept passing out in the truck and he was driving i remember him saying (barley remember ) oh god please dont make me do cpr on you oh god just make it though!! he kept smacking my face and trying to get me to wake up.
i could hear him for a sec and then i blacked out again and this kept happening until we got home and he got me an ice pack for my body.
my body was over heating and i put my feet up.
that must have been one of the scariest times i have ever been through.
ive had them before but never this bad.
never to the point that i would stop breathing.
i am changing the subject, i needed to get that out there and i didnt want to keep it in.
on a better note i am 190.3 right now.
i drank my coffee and im going to be taking my bee pollen, ginko, and my b12
and drink some green tea too.
im not really hungry i just know i need to eat my head is starting to hurt again.
i was hyper ventelating so bad my body was tingly all over my face and hands
ahhh- im greatful for my weight loss. -17 lbs since august 27th.
that means by sept 27th i will be around 180!! and that is -27 lbs!!
that is so great!! i am doing wonderfully!!
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