today hcg day8 p2

this is fucking rough. i got on the scale today and its up. 193.4 lbs today. I know im behind a few days but shit i really wanted to eat. i think i am going to be starting my menstrausity soon. Yes you read that correctly ha h aha.
Last night I took Dustin to my sisters house and we had a great time! We laughed and went to dinner. I think it was just what he needed :)
I wrote this to my friend who has been a huge part in my inspiration to succeed in my weight loss:

 Dustin is upset right now because since he lost his job he gained 10 lbs. I didn't notice the difference and he went to put on his jeans they were super tight. He was complaining saying he knew he put on weight. I told him to get on the scale, so what does he do????
Gets on the fuggin scale with shoes, clothes and right after he ate in the afternoon!!
ha ha ha I'm like honey, you can't weigh yourself like that. At least take off some pounds to compensate!
He tells me, "I don't give a crap I know when I've gained weight!" he was pretty down about it. So I reminded him, "you know its much easier for a man to lose weight than a woman. And you have so much muscle you can lose quite a bit and in 2 weeks you would notice a diff"
I need to stick with this HCG. I noticed the other day when Dustin and I went over to his friends house, They were making hot dogs and eating chips. I brought shrimp and tomatoes and strawberries. I ate my food and I was still hungry. They were drinking beer and I had my water. Then they started talking about smores. I was kind of sad. I was sitting by the fire kind of saying good bye to it like it was something I needed to say.

I want this obsession with food to be over with. I'm tired of it, It makes me tired.

i really do just want to be healthy. I feel that in order for me to feel completely free of food. I feel like a chained up beast. LOL there are 2 doctors sitting in starbucks right now drinking coffee and there are two asian women sitting next to them. The women dont know the doctors. and they are speaking in their language. the dr's keep looking over at them and giving one another a smile like "oh they are weird". 

Why in the world do we judge so much. Then i feel like im under much more pressure to be perfect. 

I vow right here right now i will not be perfect. I will strive to be healthier and a more positive person. 

Im sorry to myself and those around me for being negative. This year has just had me by the balls. i hated it.

so today is a 9. i WILL have a good day. yesterday was jessica and eddies 1 year wedding anniversary. so they sent me a text message saying thank you for the wine flutes i bought them. then i was starting to get kind of sad about my own wedding. how i wish (for some odd reason) that i had stayed with juan because at least i knew i was going to get married. its stupid i know. I dont feel jealousy i feel a friendly envy. i know they are good for each other and it makes me happy that they are together. im not just writing that i really am happy they have one another. 

i have lots of things to be grateful for. i dont weigh 280, i have a wonderful loving man who despite my attitude sometimes (due to dieting) he still loves me. A roof over my head. a crazy birdie. a cute doggie. a car!! that runs for now. im almost done with my CNA course.

yesterday dustins mom came over and she was real upset. talking to dustin like im the reason for his attitude. and he stook up for himself and me by saying that the shit with the house went down and to shit and just so happend to lose his job.

she also told us that she had been listening to nicks lies. which is fucking stupid! and i let her know that she should have known better for that. He neglected to tell her certain things. also, iliana has been having some really nice issues with us too! I just found out yesterday since dustin and i were talking that when jesse was deployed that there were some akward stages between them. that it was apparent to him that ily had feelings for him. then he told me that he didn't have those feelings for her like that so that made it hard on him.

she was drunk texting him the other night talking to him like im sorry i didnt hug you when you came to the car, jesse and i got into a fight. NoW I FUCKING GET IT!!

ily and jesse fight because she want dustin. ily fights with me, because she is jealous. ily fights with dustin because she cant stand to see him with me. Ily knows were really good for each other and we would stay with each other and that frightens her because he just got out of a relationship in december.  ily fights with jessica because she is envious of her wonderful marriage. wow. so that made sense to me :) now the thing is, i read her cards and saw that ily was actually going to be some what of a loner. her fashion will take off but she will end up with a divorce on her hands. and i didnt see a baby. i only said that since i didnt want to break her heart. wow this helps me a lot to figure this shit out. 

jessica knows too. we all are shocked that ily is acting the way she is and were all hurt. i stick to what i believed is right and i believed that ily was trying to talk shit about jessica and her trying to get a business established. she was asking me questions that i didnt feel comfortable answering. (as soon as i felt that way i knew that our friendship was no longer)

she was telling me i needed to do some research on primerica before i did it and that it was not suitable for them. well i retorted its not for every one and i havent quite made up my mind yet on it. BUT JESSICA DID THEIR FINANCES???? that did not sit well with me. that made me feel like jessica was being used. AND I DO NOT LIKE FEELING LIKE MY FRIENDS WERE BEING USED!!! 

when she told me she text juan to apologize to his ass about getting in the way, that made me feel like she was more or less apologizing for "our breaking up". and if she didnt get in the way of us breaking up dustin and i would not be together. 

what the fuck man. ily has gone too far. its bullshit. i just lost a friend. great. sometimes all it take is time to weed out the bad friends :) i thought i was going to lose jessica, eddie and kel but they proved to me i could trust them. ily has been such a fucking let down to me and to dustin. i feel bad for him the most.

so i've been trying to do some math here. 

its sad right now with dustin's parents. the dad and mom spend outrageous amounts of money of frivolous. lipo suction instead of helping their fucking son out. 

FYI WHEN I BECOME A MOTHER MY LIFE IS FOR MY CHILDREN NOT FOR ME!!! IF MY CHILDREN EVER NEED SOMETHING I WILL PROVIDE THEM WITH ASSISTANCE. I FUCKING HATE PARENTS THAT ARE SELF RIGHTEOUS AND THINK THEY ARE SO DESERVING!!!

i dont get it.  

ahhhh shit

last night i needed food. i dont give a fuck i needed to eat. as of today im sure that i wont be weighing 189. :(
i  could not control my urge to eat anymore. i needed some burritos. ha ha ha. it was delicious.
i feel like i look ok today. i got a glimpse of myself in the mirror and my arms look good. i feel ok for what i did.
i was reading this blog on low carb friends that this one lady was able to eat whatever she wanted to and still lose one pound per day. god my ring wont come off my finger. so today i am at 192.3
that is so ok with me LOL.
i thought it be worse!! so what i lost a day big fuggin deal.
i know i will be ok.
i am glad i did it i want to run.i miss running.

dear god

i am so hungry i am cranky. but i want to be thin more than i want to eat.

oh boy p1 d6 r1

wow yesterday was really fucking hard on me. this is the worst diet i have ever done. when i say worst i mean it like how my attitude is bad. im mean. im angry!! im negative. i dont like this. but i am sticking to it. god this is really one of the hardest diets i have ever tried.
for one i say anything worth doing is worth the pain attached to it. - they never said weight loss was easy.
im ok not caving in. this is ok for me not to do. im ok with not eating anyones food. just mine.
im not ok with my attitude. im an angry bitch right now. its strange since i have been eating carbs. ketosis is now in as of yesterday and peaked at my weight last night and i was .3 points down. then i have bad breath thanks ketosis. my breasts hurt the worst they have ever hurt. is this common..... lets see...
um... so i just checked the scale. 190.8 today. that means there is a great chance tomorrow i will finally see under 190.  i could see 186 tomorrow as how this is working like 4 lbs a day. that is remarkable. i may not have to stay on this for that long. i know that during the second week weight loss slows down. i have 5 days until the end of the month. im going to stay on this. im very moody right now. i dont know about today though i havent really had to talk to any one yet LOL.
i want to have a good day today. i want to be feeling great! i want the rest of the month to go by like super fast so i can relax and lose this weight. if there are five days left that is 5 more lbs im about to lose. so by the end of the month i can deffinatley see 185-186. i have not seen that weight since march maybe april.
if i see that i will feel so much better about myself. and this diet. im impressed that i was able to get down to 190 faster than i could have on atkins. i mean i feel ok right now. i need a little bit of a boost in confidence.
wow, 190 huh i wasnt expecting this until week 2 its only been a few days!!! and i had gained some weight before!!! i am going to see what this brings me. good luck to me i hope

i find im writing more....

since im not eating. all im preoccupied about is fucking food!!!! im tired of it!!
i want this hcg cookbook. they have lots of really good things in here.
i want to be able to eat blueberries since i have a huge bag of them. dang. it would be so nice not to have to go out and rebuy a huge thing of strawberries.
so grocery list is:
tuna, shrimp
cilantro
tomatoes
white onion
bag of broccoli
lettuce
strawberries??
apples

im just wasting time really. i have a pt to go see in about 2 hours. so im sitting at starbucks at barnes and noble sitting in front of an interview happening.
i could really go for a few things right now. some tuna, end a hard boiled egg and my melba toast LOL

god im reading about these people who are starving as well on the diet. this sucks big tits. im so so so hungry right now and the smell of cinnamon is soooo smelly. yum.yum.
i wanna eat. im glad that im saving my food for when i get home. i have about an hour before i need to leave here. then it takes me about 45 minutes to take care of this pt. so i can be home at about 7:30 pm. being thin is what i want. im tired of being over weight. although i have lost a huge chunk of weight the one thing that is sticking to me and upsetting me is that i went from this

180- lowest weight march
190-may
195- june
198-july
207-august
199-sept
190-sept
194-now sept.
my weight fluctuates so much. ive been up and down and im so tired of it.
i just want to be done with it. i can let this beat me though. i can eat when i get home. i plan on stopping at the store and buying some shrimp and stuff.
so i guess blueberries are not allowed. i will eat tuna since its cheap and i can eat it. im just going to keep looking at costumes to decide ...

r1 p1 day 5

so today is day five huh. last night (juyst to let you all know!!! i didnt eat anything i should not have.) i kept it clean. i really wanted food though. i really wanted to say fuck it and just eat what i please. this morning i feel ok, still trying to wake up here. making my morning coffee. so, i go to class tomorrow, 10 hours, then i have my first clinical sunday. god i hope i have tuesday off. i just need one day to recoop. im tired i can start to feel my body run down.

my dream was kind of neat. i was thinner i think.  i cannot quite remember. any way.
i have this shirt i dont fit into. its teal and black striped. im sad. i bought it about 2 months ago thinking it would fit me but its too small!
so i decided to hang it up and keep it around for inspiration ;)
i want to fit into it.
so what will today be???? 195? less please, 192, less please how about 189 yeah??? i want that!!! please grant me the power to continue. i really want to weigh little. this is discouraging since my weight has been averaging around oh 198 since may. i hate it. i just want to be below 190 so bad now. im really ready for a fucking change on that scale.wow. so i was 194.5 today. it sucks because thats where i left off to do this diet then blew up to 199 fast.
i dont like this. i dont like it right now i mean. im not hungry but i think i will like to have another cup of coffee.
i wonder what tomorrow will be like. yesterday went by so slow. its because i wanted to eat some normal fucking food. good god. i just am tired of feeling like im dieting all the time.
these are my feelings on it. im tired of feeling hungry and tired. but when i eat normal food like breads and rice my stomach hurts and im gassy.
im ok right now i dont feel any hunger. last night i cooked dustin food. chicken with bbq sauce and sauted veggies in balsamic vinegar, and cheese potatoes. with bisquits.
maybe this is not necessarily me wanting to eat bad just wanting to eat my other food. my friend amber said about a week is what it took for her to get normalized from eating this way.
i hope my paycheck is on the larger side. i could really use some extra money. i cant wait until next pay day. that will be a good day you know why??? because i will be at 180 :)wow 2 weeks huh? that is 14 days. that is october 8th. i would love to be skinny. 180 will be nice. i hope i can be as successful on it as my friend she was losing up to 1.5 lbs. my body is not really used to this diet and i have a lot of fat that is really stored. my arms for sure, my stomach.
which let me tell you, i just realized that (and this is highly embarrassing) that when i was 12/13 i had a pressure sore under my stomach. mine hangs right now. i hate it. im highly embarrassed about it. i have had this gut since i turned 9 years old. its been there and im sure its dormant fat now. when i hit 180 i could notice that there was a significant decrease in its size and it was starting to shrivel up. i have never talked about my stomach.never. i know one of my other friends has one like it too. she is 2-3 inches shorter than weighs 210 or so.
god that girl is so jealous of me. i know it. i have the man she wants to be with. i have the successful weight loss that she wished she had. i really believe she is jealous.
each time we get drinking she talks about my weight loss and says i shouldnt lose any more weight. and tries telling me i shouldnt exercise as much because its bad for my body.
its stupid. her husbad tells her she needs to lose weight all the time. she looks fine! she could lose some weight  though like maybe 30 lbs would be good for her health wise. she looks beautiful.
but she is always feeling bad about herself. my other friend is my weight right now. i cant wait to be thinner. i feel much better now that i am back to 194 and im done losing my loading weight. i got to 190 so until i reach 190 or lower all this is going to be repetative weight loss. i've lost the 17 lbs. then i gained 4 and then gained 5 more after that now i am just losing and gaining. i hope this stuff works for me. i feel like im trapped in weight loss limbo. i was 180 in march. i've been up 27 lbs. just lost 17 then i gained a little more. its only day 5 of this hcg and im just wanting to complain. i need to look at it like im sure glad i dont have to buy different clothes just yet ;)
i just counted on the calendar from now until halloween that is 38 days! XD im curious as to what i will be at tomorrow. one week from now i will be in my mid180's i dont know what to be for halloween. i was thinking something good because i will be thinner and around my goal weight when halloween is here. wow. in one month i will look completely different. my one gf i am kind of jealous of. because she is like 185 and looks great!! i couldnt make 185 look that good. im thinking i would be happy at 160. my other friend is 165 ish and she is my height and she looks cute!! no stomach. i just want to know when this bitch will go away!!!
in 20 days i will be around mid 170's. i am looking forward to being any where in my 180's but when i hit my 170's im going to flip out with joy!! my boyfriend will see. then im going to buy some lingerai ah ha ha ha aha  and im going to take photos for him and it will be great!! im looking at halloween costumes and i am getting to feel better about this weight loss thing :)
im eager to be healthier and more better looking ha ha ha  ::blue steel::
i would love to wake up tomorrow and just have made it to my goal weight. i really hope that dr simeons protocol can help me. help me be the woman i always wanted to be.

god is it over yet>??

HCG R1, P2, Day 4

I hope i did that right up there in the heading.
anyway, i started HCG just a few days ago. Yesterday I felt kind of like everything was really good.

I ate:
1 small apple
4 eggs. 3 whites - 1 whole
strawberries
cucumber
broccoli
shrimp (with dry mustard, garlic salt, pepper)
2 melba toasts

while last night i went to bed hungry, i really wanted to eat. i was having cravings. i wanted to just say oh maybe this could be day three of loading. no, i stuck to it.
i have not weighed myself but i did record my inches, arm, waist and hips and weight.
i hate it but i got up to 199 from loading. that is so discouraging. makes me feel like i will never see the likes of 180 ever!
i dont know why they dont recomend you eating breakfast. its the most important meal of the day!!
i would eat eggs in the AM with a tomato. for breakfast. then eat the melba toast with my fruit for lunch and dinner eat my other protein with my veggie. see. thats how i'd do it.
any way. i want to hope i can go and run after this. i dont want to be out of shape by the time i am allowed to actually go out and do some activities.
i did notice one thing. my ring does not fit my ring finger any more it got too big. which does not make sense to me because i reached on the scale at 199. then i tried putting it on my middle finger and it was slipping off that too. and i ate salt. i think this dr simeon knew a thing or two about protein difficiancy.
well i drank my coffee im going to the rest room brb......................... ok 196.3 today YAY!!!!
a little bit better i feel-----
cassy drew me this picture one time on an IM

========>
)

HA HA HA AHHAHAH
today i feel good. i feel like how i felt when i was on atkins.
i was doing a little math and it seems as though if i would lose all my weight i would have to lose 43 lbs.
however i can only lose 38 on a single round. so by losing 38 lbs i will be at 158. suggesting that 38 lbs would leave me at 38 days (since 1 pound per day) that would be around 1.2 months or so.
so if  i am good and i continue to do this and its working for me, i could be 190 at the end of next week. AND by the end of next month i would be 160. wow. by halloween i will be making all the girls' who are jealous of me right now (can name one person)
she is kind of making me mad right now. im with her best friend in the whole world and she is making me feel bad. she doesnt look at me the same any more. she is struggling with her weight. and if she saw me at 160 she would flip out and kill over with jealousy. and so would all my other friends. if i got to 160 that would be a weight loss of 120 lbs!! when i hit 153 that would be amazing. but as far as im concerned wouldnt i have to OOHHHH!!! (bright light above head just turned on!!)
that is why my friend said she had to gain? would i have to gain some pounds in order to do another round? that kind of sounds unhealthy.
eh.... ill ask her. when i was 180 i was wearing a size 14 and that was the smallest i had ever been. im lucky and happy i only got up to an average of 196. i peaked at 207 and was like what the fuck am i doing!!!! GET BACK ON TRACK YOU FAT BITCH!!! ha ha h ahahahahhhaha not really but i knew i was fucking up. and i had to change it. this is lame but i have not gotten paid yet, and i have to drive to draper in my boyfriends gas guzzler truck and i only have seven bucks to my name and i get paid tomorrow. stupid. my fuel injector went out so now i get to battle menlove about why they didnt take care of the car and i have to do these repairs that is tedious and i shouldnt have to do them. i am paying 7 grand more than what the car is worth. but i needed a car. dustin makes sure i know THAT HE WAS FUCKING RIGHT. god, i dont care you know if i have to say that someone is right and i was wrong ill fucking say it.
but if someone sits there and is like "i told you so" i wanna bitch slap them like the first day they were born!!!
some fucking people. i feel like sometimes im the only one on the planet that doesnt say i told you so. DONT YOU THINK THEY ALREADY KNOW!!!
well im glad i got to 196. im miffed though because on atkins i got to 190. and i was already kind of getting ready for what october would bring me as far as atkins went. but i like this protocol (ha ha ha thanks amber!!)
because its reseting my hypothalamus. and i would not over eat ever again. i wont desire food like i would desire a drug. and that is what my point was on atkins.
you know i would love it if i got to 160 and was like holy shit!! im going to stop there because i look great ha ha ha . i just want to be done trying to lose. i want to finally start just maintaining.
i told dustin i wish i could just do crash dieting, ha ha ha but i know its not healthy. and i would gain it all back.
his mom did shit like that. she's nuts. i dont agree with crash diets any more. i used to be all for them but since i started losing weight the right way since last year im over that

i just wrote this to my friend but i think its important!!

dustin was watching me eat on atkins and saying that i wasnt eating normal. then when we went to cafe rio for my load day he said i was finally eating normal but i ate so much i wanted to throw up!!! i only had a bean and rice and cheese burrito. he porks out all the time he's fit. but he said that i wasnt being healthy. and when i would get a off feeling (because i had a seizure last wed. and that is a typical feeling) he said "would you please eat something!?! i worry about you. WHAT THE FUCK!!! your ass wont be complaining when im wearing A FUCKING SIZE 8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 




he wouldnt care if i was skinny lol. he'd be like oh, shit , she was right. then i would force him to tell me i was right. bitch.
god i cant wait til this weight is off. every one is going to flip out. even me. i want to look back on my pictures and say i will never be like that again. this is a new sarah. 
i've broken the pattern i had with binge eating. i've gotten my support. my best friend amber has given me that.
she is an amazing inspiration to me. i know she will read that ;)
lol
now im holding the hcg under my tongue for more than 15 sec. since she suggested i do that so i can get my jew money's worth.


well i am going to close that with an "im excited to see what the fucking scale brings tomorrow!" 
cant fucking wait to see 189 soon.


i want to be healthy and rid of this extra weight. i already have a new outlook on life and learned a bunch of lessons. however the one i need to learn now is the confidence one. i want to be confident. and say to myself he didnt check her out because your hotter than she is HA HA HA HAHA 

cheated but hey

so i went like 22 days without carbs and last night i ate pizza and ice cream and chips and salsa.
im now ok to openly admit my faults. if this was perhaps 4 months ago i would ignore everything and not write or confront myself on this. and i am doing that right now by typing. i felt pretty gross and i feel pretty gross still.
i didnt eat a whole lot of food which was good. i only at equivalent to maybe 1 slice of pizza and a few bites of ice cream and some chips and salsa. i didnt eat like i used to. im proud of that too.
im proud of myself for forgiving me. and not dwelling on it and getting back up and doing it right!
im proud of myself for confronting myself and knowing what i did was not good and not going back to that.
plus i was plugged up and i couldnt handle that either. but i will get there!! no problem :)

crap.

BLOG

so, well, last night was kind of fucky. my car is pulling some bullshit with the transmission.
god i had a dream i was a nurse last night. i was doing some plasma aphresis and this other nurse was talking to me about the percentage of white blood cells to the dead ones and we need to make sure that lukemia doesnt get trapped with the patient.
it was crazy, i loved it i woke up and was a little bumed that i was not waking up to being a nurse that day.
last night nick and dustin got into a huge fight. i really wish it had escalated so that dustin would kick nick out. but at one point dustin told nick to pack his shit and get the fuck out.
nick was instigating so much. telling dustin he needs to get a job and that nick is the only one who feeds the dog. and that nick takes better care of chance than dustin does.
nicks a piece of shit and i really saw this happen yesterday when i was seeing dustins cards i really dont see nick around so i will not worry :) i dont give a fuck where he goes he's not welocmed here.
not sure about weight loss today im a bit nervous to jump on that scale since yesterday i was craving snacks soooo bad. i dont have much time to type on here i need to make breakfast and finish getting ready for school.
it was very stressful yesterday but dustin was good to me and really cheered me up!
i didnt sleep too well last night i was so fucking hot. it was norm temp though is what dustin said
but i was burning up so high.
ok, breakfast, make up, school books alright ttyl

grrr 195. so what i wrote before on the 15th and 16th i was 190 well, maybe i just need to take a page out of other peoples books and just  weigh myself 1 time per month or week but shit im obsessed with the scale!! today will be a low sodium day then.
i like to do this, lots of water veggies and no or little fake meat :) protien! woo! do it to it!!
i hope i dont get discouraged soon
9/19
nick is drunk and its 0610 in the morning he can barley stand up straight and walk down stairs.
my internet connection is poor right now and i hate that.

lately its been really nice between dustin and i. its been really getting good. were so much more playful than usual latley. monday i have work and i think im off tuesday. ok im not off tuesday. i actually have to go in from 7-8 to dress this woman and get her ready for bed.
i want to go running but i have been kind of smoking on and off here and there.
i am seeing trouble on the scale. up a few pounds but i know that is from water weight.
i wish i could do some research about sodium and too much of it. i had quite a bit of potassium yesterday. i hope i get on that scale and see a nice number i cant wait until im below 190.
when i see 180 i will be so happy. i already feel really good about myself and i have encouraged others. like my new friend natalie. she is 5'8 and weighed in at 256. she is 60 lbs heavier than i.
now that i think about it i think there may be a link between water weight and green tea.
because when i stop drinking it water weight seems to get worse

day twenty one induction

yesterday all i wanted were salads. i ate 3 salads yesterday!!! THREE!! dustin bought this amazing lettuce and i cut come colby jack cheese into tiny cubes and added diced pickles, brushetta i made, olive oil, vinegar, lemon juice, green onions.  i think that might have been all but it was so delicious. and im sure 3 cups was = out to 1 net carb. so i was eating 1.5 cups x three. i probably didnt eat all my carbs yesterday. i was not feeling good.
i had a dream where a friend was going out of town and she needed money and the only money i had was change so i was gathering up all this change i had left for her. and we were going up this hill for her ceremony and there were hornets everywhere and i was scared. i hate bees. they're terrifying to me.
any way, yesterday was my dad's birthday and i did not even send him a hello. im still pist off about the conversation we had. im angry at how selfish those two are. like i said previously my cousin says that OCD runs in the family. and my mother is a compulsive liar. and i know i got that too. i know that sometimes i have the urge to lie just to lie. and i stop myself and say there is no reason for that. it was first brought to my attention by my grandmother. she was asking me why are you lying because there is no reason for that. it was way worse when i was younger. i am much better at it. i would mostly lie at work probably because those people didnt know me that well.
and i would find white lies to tell. like with juan i would lie to him and tell him all these guys were hitting on me and tell him that this guy asked me to dinner.
i think it was more for the fact that i wanted attention from him. they are never huge wopping lies. except when i was in elementary school and i told my whole class my grandpa was on the titanic. then i told them that he was one of the origional colony men for america.
i see now that it was for attention. i am sure of it. my parents never gave a shit. and neither did kids at school.
but the worst compulsion i have is eating.
i was just thinking the other day because we passed this subway. i went to a quicky mart and then headed to this subway. i told myself i should start eating better and so i gave the girl at the window my kit kat because i already ate my cinnamon bun. its ridiculous. my family, " well i over eat too honey" "HA! no you dont go from fast food place to the next because you just WANT to eat not because your full and need to stop"
it was so embarassing and at the same time relieving that i told my aunt i just would do that all the time. im like EVERYONE!! I HAVE AN EATING ADDICTION!!- --- it feels like people will laugh at me and say no, you just like food a lot.
sorry. i hate it when people will down play my situations.
last night dustin made popcorn. popcorn was one of my most favorite foods (next to pizza, cheesecake and beer)
that i had to give up. so i think i took up coffee instead LOLOLOLOLLOl
well, he was eating this pop corn right in front of me and even though it smelled so fucking delish! i still had not even eaten one bite.
oooohhh nice yesterday im at 190 and today im at 195 ha ha ha stupid water. i ate quite a bit of avocado. i need to stop eating so much cado.
well im proud of myself for not eating anything bad and staying on track for 21 days. i never want to see 200 on the scale for me again. ever. 200 is a number i will never accept. ever.
i have to drive all the way to sandy today for my 2 hour client. drive 30 minutes, for 22 bucks. i dont know. i have class this weekend and i know i need to read.
nick, dustins cousin is an alcoholic and he's pissing me off way bad.
the plan here is to make as much money until sarah goes to school so they can move into a rental house or something
worse case scenario we rent an apartment and we have to put his things in storage.
well aparently nick was drunk when he went to work the other day. nick and dustin were play fighting and nick got some bruising on his back. it was fairly shocking since it looked pretty bad.
well all nick does is drink. and since JUNE he has lost 30 lbs. and its mid september. its a lot of weight to lose.
and all he does is drink. so he had these aweful bruises. well dustins mom calls and is like "what did you do to him!!>?!?!" and he said we were just fucking around and she gets pissy with him. its stupid because that means when marilyn went to nicks work to see him he fucking pulled up his shirt and was like look at what dustin did to me.
i fucking hate nick i hate that i have to live with him. i fantasize sometimes that he doesnt live with us and it makes me so much happier.
i didnt tell dustin this but the reason why im having the new place in my name is so that I can be the one to say no nick cannot live with us.
dustins mom always gives him the guilt trip about everything. one minute she's like i cant stand him!! get him out of here!!
and the next he's on board and she's like oh wait give him another chance. i dont really care for her.
she is wishy washy. if you have something on your mind speak it but be respectful. one time she got on my nerves and was like whoa take a chill pill ok sheesh. im like whatever you just fucking barked up my goddamn tree and im not saying shit because he loves you so i had to be the better person.
she and nick both pick fights with people just to fight. im not looking forward to the hollidays. well ok, i am and im  not. i will be super skinny by holiday time and im not looking forward to it because i dont want anything to do with his fucked up family.
he hates his family too. he loves mine though which is cool.
but he's so stressed out.
i love him i would do a lot for him
weight loss_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
ketones were way up there yesterday VERY HIGH
i drank a lot of water at night, kept waking up to piss all the time though. this morning i had morning star sausage and eggs. which equals around 2-3 net carbs.
lunch i might just come home and nap im tired and i need to study for my class tomorrow.
and laundry too. dustin is sick i hope he gets well soon though.
well, today im going to lay off the cheese a bit and hopefully the water weight can chill out.
i go through olive oil like no ones business.
dinner i would love some salmon.
i've been using aloe vera on my skin lately my face broke out. i just need to remember water weight around TOM is a BITCH!!!
and i should not pay attention to it.
maybe i should just weigh in once a month HAHA HA AH i really met someone on here that did that!!
well im proud of myself and cannot wait until i hit 180. at the end of the month i hope i get there. easy on sodium though :) have a great day because i know i will!!!

goal

GOAL 1: 197 MET!!!
GOAL 2: 192 MET!!!
GOAL 3: 190 MET!!!
GOAL 4: 188
GOAL 5: 186
GOAL 6: 184
GOAL 7: 182
GOAL 8: 180
GOAL 9: 178
GOAL 10: 176
GOAL 11: 174
GOAL 12: 172
GOAL 13: 170
GOAL 14: 168
GOAL 15:  166
GOAL 16: 164
GOAL 17: 162
GOAL 18: 160
GOAL 19: 158
GOAL 20: 156
GOAL 21: 154
GOAL 22: 153

day twenty induction lucky to be alive today-

last night was not a good night. i had seizures. i kept passing out and dustin was freaking out so much. i kept waking out of it and seeing him cry and he was like baby baby please wake up i could hear him.
we were watching stone sour and they had far too many blinking lights so i thought i could handle it if i dont look at them. then i felt a pretty bad headache coming on so i ran off and dustin went to get me some water. well, i sat on the grass and my body felt like it was trying to clinch together. my jaw got tight my sight was blurry and dustin didnt know what to do and i just told him dont let me go to sleep and dont lie me down and just keep talking to me so i know im ok. then i started feeling odd, i cant remember a whole lot after that and i all of a sudden saw this woman i couldnt really hear what she was saying and i just wanted to go to the truck. i should have gone to the ER i dont know why i didnt, i remember getting up this hill and dusting was crying and i didnt know what was happening i was so scared and i started crying then i felt like i was fine. then i would drop to my knees and start shaking again. i was so scared and so was dustin.
he was sooo kind to me. it makes me want to cry right now!
he was talking to me telling me how beautiful i am and if i make it tonight he would make me breakfast and take care of me.
i was on the ground and he was trying to pick me up i kept passing out over and over again.
he was holding me and asking talk to me baby what do you want in life huh? and i said i want to be skinny, and i want to be a nurse and i want to be your wife.
it was a fucked up night. i kept passing out in the truck and he was driving i remember him saying (barley remember ) oh god please dont make me do cpr on you oh god just make it though!! he kept smacking my face and trying to get me to wake up.
i could hear him for a sec and then i blacked out again and this kept happening until we got home and he got me an ice pack for my body.
my body was over heating and i put my feet up.
that must have been one of the scariest times i have ever been through.
ive had them before but never this bad.
never to the point that i would stop breathing.

i am changing the subject, i needed to get that out there and i didnt want to keep it in.

on a better note i am 190.3 right now.
i drank my coffee and im going to be taking my bee pollen, ginko, and my b12
and drink some green tea too.
im not really hungry i just know i need to eat my head is starting to hurt again.
i was hyper ventelating so bad my body was tingly all over my face and hands


ahhh- im greatful for my weight loss. -17 lbs since august 27th.
that means by sept 27th i will be around 180!! and that is -27 lbs!!
that is so great!! i am doing wonderfully!!

day nineteen induction

well first and foremost, i need to talk about yesterday and dustin.
i was taking it too personally again. each time we get into an argument or something its always ok at the end of it. we always find a root source for either one of our distress. his was feeling like a failure. so by the time we got to that conclusion we headed to the front room and well, had some make up sex i think is what some one might call it.
he's very used to constant fighting and nagging from this ex girl of his. she was always fighting with him and he doesnt like to fail so i get the fact that he was always up for a fight. well, its really fucking sad. because he's a great guy. the house situation really sucks for him. i mean he went through this housing company so that he could afford the whole house payment. they cut his payments in half and then the company went out of business. so he needed that because she left and she was helping pay too because it is half hers.
that bitch just bailed out on him. yeah she is a bitch. she looks like one and she acts like one too. one day she came to the house because she needed to pick something up. pretty petty. and she was like who's sarah butler??? i cant believe she knows my name, well i guess she got it from face book. ha ha ha ha ha im so much cuter than she is. she is heavy and i guess she would always let her gut hang over her pants and never could cover it with a shirt. they had been together since high school.
well im not saying dustin and i are perfect i wish we could stop fighting. i mean they arent bad fights. we just argue a bit. but its because he's bored and he has nothing to look forward to. he sleeps in and i work and school and gym and clean house but he doesnt have anything to really do. he was so sweet though last night he kept asking me if there was anything he could do for me because my best friend was coming over and needed help with training. well, he was SO SWEET and asked can i do anything for you, do you need me to help you in any way. so i let him i said sure if you would just take out the bathroom trash for me, and help me clean up the kitchen i'd love that. well i made him pie and i made him bruschetta too. he LOVED it both.
and i made them both from scratch even the pie which was super easy to make!!

as far as weight loss goes im pretty excited for my weigh in today. i hope i see 191 today or 190 god if today was like yesterday and i hit like 189 IM GOING TO FALL OVER EXCITED!!!
im not expecting that though. i would be so happy and proud just to see that 192 again.
yesterday dustin was so kind and sweet enough to make me a california omelette.  avocado, cheese, egg, vegan sausage, green pepper, salsa, and it was so delicious. it was a lot of food. i mean i went without eating until like 1000 at night. which i heard can be bad but shit all i ate was broccoli and some parmesean cheese.
lol
i think my body can handle that. but counting the carbs up the omelette cost me about 8 net carbs. im cool with that it was just a SHIT TON of food.
well my bruises are going away, i forgot to take my vitamins yesterday and i wont today thats for sure.
the patient i need to see today lives right down the street from me so that is great!!
i am so happy i have lost 15lbs. i am so excited when i reach my 170's.
i have to now wear my ring on my (right!!) middle finger rather than my ring finger since it doesnt fit me any more.
i know yesterday i had quite a bit of sodium. much more than the last couple of days.
holy christ, you know it has been getting so easy for me to wake up each morning. i can wake up any time of the morning and feel refreshed after resting.
last night however i had the oddest dream. i was being taken to jail but i could only get out if i gave someone a sexual favor. it was wierd.
but i woke up this morning to what i think was a bird hitting the window!
i woke up and was like , "huh, what the fuck!?" goddamn storm troopers trying to bust through my window H A HA HA HA HA.
i have been getting excellent rest too. i can see muscle now, my calves look great.
my face is thinner.... whoa, i just found this draft i nearly posted on my atkins bulletin board

feb, 8 2010:
 i keep getting these mood swings. not as bad as before though. however i am noticing them now. before i didn't think i had mood swings but now since i feel as if they are not as bad i notice them. i feel jealous with my mood swings. just these outrageous jealous feelings. like im never going to be good enough for anyone or anything. my mood swings suck. but to stay on the positive side, they are not as bad as they used to be and i can keep them better under control. today is my last day off and my fiance is at work. he tells me he needs to go in a half hour early to load his truck so he's not stressed, then he calls me today and tells me that he's going to be home in 2 hours!! im just mad that he doesnt make time for me even a small text to say hi. it makes me mad. i used to work for the same company and i know this is how it works, but i feel like he could work a little harder to make me feel good. like texting me or something. i work damn hard for everything. i cook i clean i workout and work and watch what i eat, lose weight still and try to be someone he deserves and wants to be with. 

maybe i feel like he's taking me for granted. i hate these feelings. now that i no longer look to food to fuel my emotions i feel great about that. 
im watching true blood right now. sitting at home. i got dressed up. and i was making my fiance a nice dinner. 2 hours. wow. 


here is the very first one i posted on the site
october 2009
so this is the story of me and how i had always been fat. it started last year in december when i realized that i needed to get fitter. i had always had a problem with food and depression. at the end of december of 2008 my 5'7 frame was at its peak of 280 lbs. (ALMOST 300!) i decided to be happy. i have always known i was the creator of my own, so i did it. i dumped the jerk off ex fiance, dumped that crappy job, and started to change my life, which ment i needed to lose weight.
I am in love with my new fiance juan. I love my company i work for, and i have lost 70 lbs since jan. 
so now i have some more goals. im half way there! all i want is to be able to say i have lost 100 lbs by december of 09. my goal is in march of next year. i hope to get to my goal weight of 153 lbs. i have 57 more lbs to go! and i am hoping that this life style change will help me. i just have been noticing how many carbohydrates i intake. it is obscene. for me joining this group is simply to learn. i need to learn that everything needs to be in moderation. i am a vegetarian so this will be an interesting journey i can assure you.



then all my other blogs are just about me and retrying atkins again and again. 
and how frustrated i got with my water weight. 
stress was huge at that point. i would have to say. god i love writing. i've been up since 7am and now its been an hour. 
im not with juan any more and if that mother fucker ever saw me i hope he ate his heart out.
god it just seemed like i was going through these patterns of men until i fell in love with dustin. 
it feels good to know that i have lost 15 pounds since august 27th. 
it feels good that i broke the chain of addiction to food.
it feels great that i no longer see myself as a walking disaster. i love my life. i love that i know and feel im in control of my life. and i am in control of what i eat. 
juan always made me feel like i was trying to control him. what i think was the real scenario is that he was trying to control me and when he found out he couldnt control me he was getting pissed off.


last night dustin said that he really didn't know a whole lot about my past. and i said well its really hurtful, and i just struggled a whole lot. its depressing what my life was, i told him that the best day of my life was when i was proposed to. not to make him feel like he needs to do that for me. it really was the best day of my life. when juan asked me to marry him it was a really great day. 
he bought my favorite chocolates, took me out to a very nice dinner, got a room, and champagne and rolled a j. it was beautiful. and then the worst day of my life was when we got into a huge fight, and i was sitting on the side walk on my street crying my eyes out calling people for help on christmas morning. i hate christmas because of that day. i get emotional right now thinking about it.
i hate what he did to me. i hate him. i guess i just loved what i thought he was. and i believed that love was going to save us. but in reality we were not meant to be saved and i was just not meant to be with him at all. 
i would like to think that something was keeping us from getting married.
and i am greatful for that. 
im happy we didnt. i really just want to start a family and be a nurse. i want to be thin.
last night dustin asked me a great question; if you could have 3 things right now what would it be?
i replied 
1) all stress you feel will go away
and that anything that brings you stress will be fixed
2) to be done with RN school
and 3) for us to stay together


i asked him what his were and he said that mine were so simple and achievable and selfless.
and that he wouldnt feel right saying his after he heard such a great answer from me.
lol
i said it doesnt matter people are different.
he still never told me.
i thought it was a nice complement from him that i was selfless. that is a magic word i have had yet to hear from my partners. he's the only one. 


so breakfast i have scrambled eggs, avocado and some cheese.
it took just a few minutes. i like to wake up early and eat breakfast and wake up with music and coffee and blogging. 
im happy. its been a while but i am happy. its kind of shitty when you decide your parents are so toxic you cant be around them because then you start to fail. i choose not to have a relationship with my parents any more.
when i dont have to worry about them my life is great!!
when im not stressing about them i feel great!
they are so fucked up.
any way im proud of my weight loss!!!
i will probably weigh in tomorrow i need to drink some more water, its so easy to drink a gallon a day :)

day seventeen induction

wow, day seventeen. that is almost 20 days which is almost one fuckin month!!! so i have yet to get my booty on the scale this morning. i read somewhere that if you take fiber like extra fiber you should not count it. so i may be going under my carb count. then i was thinking i was kind of going over. i dont know they say not to count eggs. it confuses me a little but im still going to count it i guess. :)
i met a friend on the ABB and we talked to each other on fb and we hit it off. oh my god!!! 195.3 bitches!!!!! i did it i lost another almost 2 lbs. it was that fucking water weight! it was sodium i really wanted to drink a diet coke so bad. i wanted it but i did not have it. i drank my green tea instead. so good to say its coming off and i am so glad i stuck to this way of eating. so its day 3 on my extended induction and i have no worries about it right now.
im not really hungry but i know i will be later so i need to make me some eggs :)
drink some water and i need to get ready for work today. i didnt run like i wanted to yesterday. i was so tired god so tired.
maybe today.
class is long but very worth it to me.
im always excited about running. it makes me feel so good.
it makes me learn that i need to have patience with my self.
like im a little kid and im reteaching myself how to eat and be healthy and if i mess up i cant be too hard on sarah.
if i was teaching someone how to have good eating behavior i wouldnt call this person names or make that other person feel bad. i would tell them keep going you are doing just fine!!
so i need to treat myself as if i am standing besides myself teaching ME to eat good and not to get too hard on myself.i really hope that tomorrow i am down more.
i would love that scale to say 180 again. that was my lowest weight. i felt so good.
i got so much attention. and i am pretty excited about what the end of the month, what i will look like.
now that i got the sodium under control i think im pretty much on my way to losing this weight.
thats all for now i bet ill write again. im going to get ready for work then head out and after that i think i wanna stop at the gym and work out and then hit up a coffee shop :) sounds fun!!


-later this day-

went to the coffee shop got some coffee then my friend amanda calls me. i have not heard from this chick in a long time. went over to her place and we cought up. she had not seen me for a whole year and flipped out when she saw me. she said i looked really good and that i have inspired her to go to school. and she wants to start doing good now too. its really great to see that. i love it!! i love being able to inspire people. i feel like i have a gift for people. its amazing. what a beautiful life i live.
i am so lucky. tomorrow i know ill have lost another pound. when i see 193 i will probably be so content ill freak out!!
if i ever saw 193 again i would be so impressed i will want to run again.
i loved my run today. i am so proud of myself for that as well. i drink so much water its so good for me.
today for dinner i had 1/4 avocado, my cilantro dressing i made which is (1/4 cup water, 2 tbls olive oil, a whole bunch of cilantro, 1/2 avocado, 1/4 cup salsa, 4 tbls green onion)
and blend :)
with my boca meat i made taco meat with just cumin, and chili powder, then i cooked that in olive oil. til it was crispy then i combined 1/4 bell pepper and more onion. and cooked all that with the dressing
then i ate it with cheese and lettuce as substitute for tortilla
its amazing how good food is.
as a snack i really want to make these cupcake things my friend told me about. wow yesterday i went with a low sodium day and just now i ate a piece of cheese. it was so salty yuk!! and i was eating this cheese.
i've been learning a ton about this diet. i love eating this way.

day sixteen induction

we went to the movie theatre the other day and i was getting kind of ass hurt about all the fat chicks being able to eat whatever the fuck they want to. and i was feeling like i was having to pay the penalty since i cant eat that heaping pile of nachos or hot dog. then we went to dinner last night at a T.G.I.F's and i ordered salmon and shrimp with broccoli and sauce on the side and didnt eat my rice and i had a side salad. it was great. however people left and right were eating mounds and mounds of mashed potatoes, and rice! and cheese cake and it was just like oh fuck im not losing anything right now maybe i should just quit. but i didnt in hope of seeing the scale go down. today it was 197.3. so im going to have to be even more strict with what i eat. i want to read my book but i really hardly have any time right now. thank god tomorrow is monday and i have work 1130-130 thats going to be nice only a few hours and i can sleep in a bit. and i need to do reading for homework, and reading my book and i need to run. so today i am going to bring my gym bag and wear - what if i look nasty wearing them. never mind i will just bring my gym bag. then hit the gym after school and then come home and start reading for school and doing home work and getting ready for the next day. dustin said he'd like to make me dinner and i would love that.
i also noticed i was eating a ton of dressing. ranch. so i decided to make my own, olive oil, vinegar and lemon juice. on my spinach salad with ice burg too to break up the spinach, and this morning im eating eggs 4 eggs 1 yolk 3 whites.
i think i was having too much fun with sodium. so i am going to eat eggs for breakfast and salads for lunch, then for dinner fish or something.
salsa, dressings, cheeses have lots of sodium so i need to cut that down. really. i do.
i also noticed i was drinking green tea too and i cut that out as well.  i really think that my period was out of whack and it is getting back and that is why im experiencing this. well i gotta get ready now so i will ttyl

day fifteen induction

so scale has not moved. i am constipated. not very happy with my body right now. and i almost drank a whole gallon of water today. WTF. i am getting very discouraged right now.scale reads 198 right now and that is pissing me off. im at 16 carbs right now and im hungry. i need to eat less sodium from now on and no more aspertame. god i do want a diet coke though. so bad. i got pms symptoms after my period! i will continue though i feel that i am still in ketosis right now. im needing to pooh though. i drank coffee and still could not. god please stop playing games with my heart ive been working too hard on this!!

day fourteen induction

so today is day 14 of induction. and i am drinking some coffee right now, getting ready to get ready ha ha ha
getting ready for my day. i have work today and i will be going over to help some elderly people. wow that made me sound like a real hero huh...
its 0730 and i am only having to go to work for 2 hours. tomorrow i start school! i need to get a note book and folder/binder im sure. any way, last night dustin and i went to red lobster and they had the all you can eat shrimp. which believe me, was amazing. got kind of gassy but it was ok. dustin and i took some pictures last night. and then he took one of me, well several of me that i didnt really care for because i looked really fat. i was trying so hard to pose a certain way. i mean i didnt have to worry about a double chin any more which was really nice but i did worry about my arms, and my stomach. yikes. we were starting to chill out after that and he was going to pick me up, but then he noticed he could feel my ribs and that made me feel so good! we both took some daring photos, but there were some that he took that he really liked. basically took me out of my own skin!!it was pretty exciting. i would have never done anything like that.
i was wearing my ring was soo loose yesterday i flipped my hand a few times and it slipped right off. its a size 9 and i know its wrong since he and i went to look at rings a few weeks ago and i was a size 8.
he and i got into a fight about 2 nights ago. he lashed out at me accusing me of not paying much attention to him since i have my "blogging, and your running" he made me feel as if caring about myself and bettering myself was a fucking crime. come to find out, after we talked for a bit, that he is just depressed because he doesnt have anything going for him. so i asked him what he wanted or what he can see himself doing and he just said "all i see myself doing is being a parent, I want to take care of my children" and i thought that was so fucking sweet.
that man amazes me all the time. i do do a lot with my free time and i do want to do a lot in my future. its ok for him to not know what he wants to do right now. and its sad that he is depressed i was there and he just listened to me and told me things will work out ok for me. and i should not worry or think i was a failure. he's where i was a few weeks ago. now that i got my job and such im doing much better. im always excited for tomorrow.
today resident evil comes out!!! were going to go see it!
he is working with his dad today and i have a few hours at work.
he gets unemployment. i just would like for him to find a hobby. so far all its been is at the computer and god knows what else he does on it too. mmmm veggie patty. egg whites, cheese, and CADO!!
yumm
breakfast usually ends up being like 5 carbs each day. 198 on the scale today. i have 15 minutes to get ready and leave so, ill end it with, cant wait for this water weight to end NOW

day thirteen induction

so my internet is down but im still going to write. today is day thirteen of induction and it is 9/9/10. a thursday :)
so, last night i talked to my cousin chrissy and she shared with me that she knows my mom has a problem. The problem she is talking about is OCD. Obsessive compulsive disorder. And Barbara has it too. Chrissy told me that barbara has bipolar as well and she has reason to believe that my mom has it too. So she suggested that I look into this as well.
If chrissy is right, and there are things to suggest that my mom does have it and i can see this, then i may be a compulsive over eater. and that would make a lot of sense since its ocd and my eating. i wonder what else is in the pot too.
yesterday i didnt run, i just decided to take the day off. so today i want to run fo' sho!!
i am still at 196 which pisses me off because that is me stalling. i cant wait for this water weight to get the fuck off my body. also, i felt so dicouraged last night. i was thinking to myself i should just quit. god i just wanted to quit. so i kept thinking its going to be ok, just keep doing what you have been doing. drink lots of water, maybe i need to cut coffee a bit, and alcohol. leave me to my one cup in the morning and just dont drink alcohol. i think i need to not drink any more either since alcoholism runs in the family i am highly subsceptable to being an alcoholic. im drinking coffee with splenda and a tiny bit.
i need to go get a money order today for 350 and go get a notebook for my class.
i need to go to the health department for my tb shit, then i need to call the insurance company or maybe that can wait until i get my shit in the mail.
laundry and a run, maybe track run while dustin walks the dog.
well i will add more later just needed to get some shit off my shoulders
ttyl

day twelve induction

so, 196 this morning. and i am noticing some amazing things going on to my body. im smoothing out, my arms look much better and i am feeling overall so much better. i am being able to have a deep connection with myself. and running is getting better for me.
i was looking at my legs and i am seeing definition, and with my clothes on my "love handles" dont poke out. my arms are smoothing out and i see definition there too. my collar bone is showing nicely and in my theighs i can see definition as well.
im ok with 196 right now. however i do hope that its just for the time being. over all on induction i have lost (so far) 207 - 196 = 11 lbs. and that is great!! i have stayed in ketosis for the who time. and i know that when i start this in for my 3erd week itll be more. i was hoping i would be losing more than just that. i understand lots of things are coming into play. Muscle, which means that i will be burning more calories and more weight at a much higher level and weight will literally be falling off me.
and / or water retention since my period is here. i read in the new atkins book that eating this way can help get rid of poly cystic ovarian syndrome. i hope in my case that works out. since i quit smoking and i changed the way i eat my ability to have children will increase. this book im reading is magnificant. i love it. i love all the information and itsgreat!! i woke up today and i dont feel too sore. i feel good.
i have work at 11 and from what my friend says i will be there 8 hrs. so thats until 7 o'clock. im going to want to run again i know this. so i think and feel that i will either be tired or something else, maybe i will have the energy to run but i wont make that expectation on my self.
i had another dream about juan last night. i am so tired of thinking about him. i dont think about him, well kind of, only because im worried i will run into him.
my  dream of him was weird because we were at some sort of function and he showed up. i remember being dissapointed in that and wanting to leave.
in my dream i was going grocery shopping and i was upset because as soon as i got the food to the car it was all eaten.
ha ha ha
anyway, i hope the water weight goes away. sometimes i gain anywhere between 5-10 lbs of water.
i hope that when im done with my period i will see 190 very soon. i need more water :)
i drink a lot though ha ha ha i need to bring lunch and fix my hair and get ready for my day! ttyl!! <3

day eleven induction

so only a few more days left. i know im in ketosis yet i know im hanging on to water weight. and im at 196 and it wont go anywhere else. this poses a threat to me, im nervous that i will stall. yet i know this wont happen since i am burning ketones i know i am losing the weight its just the time of month and that frustrates me. i was hoping i would be at around 194. i am usually really good at keeping my water weight on at 5-10 pounds. if this is true im already at about 190 192. thats good for me. i will not let this discourage me from continuing to do my thing. i usually hang on to this water for around a week its retarded. i've been drinking a ton of water and exercising too.  and being really good about salt. maybe more water? i cant wait til tom is over.

Day nine induction

wow, only 5 more days left of my original induction. i will be doing extended induction so maybe one week at a time until i reach my goal or maybe if i get tired of what im eating. I will stay on this way of eating. i need to drink more water and work out today. right now i feel sleepy but im going to make myself another cup of coffee and get my gym clothes on and go work out alone! i dont really like working out with other people. then i feel like i have to cater to them. i cant help it. dustin went on his little adventure with the boys. and today i want to work out and have fun at the gym. its sunday i know it closes early but i really want to run. i didnt yesterday but oh well. so i have posted stuff on my atkins bb and this lady said that she got so emotional over it she cried! wow!! i am an inspiration to her. and you know what that makes me want this more!!!
i will be thin i got to 196 yesterday. today it is tom and i am bloated and cramped. im going to take 196 rather than 198 like today said because i am burning ketone's like a mo fo!!
and i know i have not cheated. so why?eww water weight!! it will happen fast and healthy too!!! im going to be so proud of myself at the end of the month!!! i think im going to run then head over to a star bucks to blog and drink a coffee. boy i love coffee!! lol
so im at my aunt and uncles right now and were watching a movie. i have been very moved by this lady i found on my atkins posts. i like her enough to be friends in real life ha ha ha.
i weighed in right before i got out of the gym today and i was at 196.3 so obviously i would thinner tomorrow YAY!!! i need to make sure i drink lots of water today. i've already had over 114 oz of water today. THATS ALMOST ONE GALLON!!!! OH MY GOD!!!
i thought i'd never drink that much water. so i ran 2 1/2 miles today!! ttyl

revelation

good god! I love this way of eating so much! i feel so in touch with who i am as a human being. is that weird to have that feeling on this??? today as i was driving back home from my aunts house and i was fortunate to have this thing i like to call a perfect moment. ha ha ha the sun was so beautiful is was like gold. not like ordinary gold though, like pure unadulterated, free, beautiful, pure pure pure pure gold. sunshine!!!! i loved it!!!! like some kind of extraordinary super energy was following me making sure i knew what life was all about. like this was my ride home and that i could make it however i wanted it to be. I can own this. I can make this mine; and it was. I loved it i had my shades on, my music pumping which was pumping me!
and i had been thinking how would i really feel if everything in my life was perfect and at that moment everything was. i was perfect at that moment and it was only because of me. no one made me feel as beautiful as myself. my boyfriend does not, my family does not, but thats ok. they dont know the super power we have on our own. I was beginning to think, "if people with no legs can run marathons, what the hell is my problem" as if i didnt do enough in my life. Although i felt that way, my aunt helped me realize i've been having to heal myself all these years and i am still not done doing so. Losing weight is the last form of healing. I have come a LONG way for only being 24 years old. and i am proud of that, i am proud of who i am and what i stick up for and who i stand for. i am proud that i can sit in front of someone while they eat and only think nothing of it.
no name calling, no judgment, no fear, no compromise and NO GUILT. NO WANT. NO CRAVINGS.
I find that to be beautiful as well.
I find that we hold beauty so great we fear it.
I love life, there fore i should never fear it.
wow, how freaking awesome is this!!
I think it is important that i write the reasons why i want to lose weight so that i feel more motivated to continue (not that im not it just helps more so)
i want to lose weight because i want to wear a size 8.
i want to lose weight so i can run faster,  longer,   harder, and better!
i want to lose weight so that i can feel sexier, notice i said feel sexier rather than saying i want to be sexy. ;)
i want to lose weight so that my confidence shines through me and shows everyone how strong of a woman i am.
i want to lose weight because i want to know first hand what it feels like to be thin.
i want to lose weight because i want to be a great example to my children.
i want to lose weight not to make others feel bad about themselves
i want to lose weight not to make others have pity on my life's story but so they can learn no matter how hard that woman had to work and no matter what she had to work through she worked through it!!
i will lose weight so i can feel these things. i will never again be unhealthy i will never again wear a size anything bigger than what my goal is to achieve. i will always hold myself accountable for my actions and one of them is the way i almost cheated myself on life.
its crazy; when they say forgive yourself first and the rest will follow they are right! I needed to forgive myself for treating myself so poorly. i put myself down, i embarrassed myself , i punished myself i hated myself.
now i forgive myself. i forgive myself for all the wrong i have done onto myself. Sarah B. has been forgiven.
what a weight off my soul. and now i see that through forgiving myself i can love myself and now i can move on. i dont forgive some people but thats ok. its who i am and some day i will forgive them.
but for now i had to work on forgiving the most important person.

day eight of induction

spending the night at my aunts was good. especially this morning. i brought over some food and my aunt was really nice enough to support me in this. however i didnt want her to feel like she had to go out of her way just for me. she was so kind to support me through it.
i ate eggs this morning and guacamole. perhaps 2 and then 1 more for guac and 1 more for creamer in coffee splenda of course. so maybe 4 all together.
and then im not really hungry right now. and its almost one. yay!! running yesterday was fun. got through a whole hell of a lot. lot of emotion yesterday. got through some embarrassing things, got through my own heart ache of disappointment. facing the facts on weight loss. and facing the facts that i did what i did to myself its all over now. shit its all over!! i was thinking about this is a life choice. I am done being fat again done. i guess i was sad because i was gaining weight . i really hope when i get on the scale tomorrow i am 197. if i see one 197 oh my god!!!! 197 if i was 196!!! shit that would be so amazing. i got my b vitamins yesterday so i started taking them they taste gross. ha ha ha.
still in ketosis i have small amounts of ketones leaving my body through urine.
i know i shouldnt monitor them but i like to.
i need to go to costco and buy a few things, boca burgers, salmon patties, or salmon, broccoli, spinach, lettuce and olive oil and more eggs and cheese
thats all :) pretty simple. < 3 this diet!!!

just a note

today i went for a run with my boyfriend and i had a break down. We were running and it always seemed like to me that we were competing. i hate that. today he ran past me and i felt like he was being selfish because i thought he was thinking that he was getting anything out of it.
no. this was for me and how dare he take this from me and make it his.
running running , running, running, huffing and passed him, i was upset with him for running up the hill before me!! thats my fucking hill!!
i was walking to catch my breath. then it hit me. 1) really, am i going to let this little hill defeat me? 2) am i really mad at him? 3) if im questioning myself then it must be no 4) if not, who? 
then it hit me. I am mad at myself. I am mad at myself for letting my self get to the point where I cant run past him
It is no one but my own fault for not being able to be fit enough to do this.
The reason why im huffing and puffing so much is because of me. The people who have wronged me didn't shove that burger down my throat, or eat those extra large fries, or eat an entire bag of pop corn or made me go to two different places for fast food.
I was in denial until now. I get it now i really do. the reason why he passed me was not because he is better than me, it was because i didnt give my self the care enough to lose weight.
i didnt give myself the care enough to eat healthy. i wanted to eat shit because i felt like i was shit.
i felt like shit. 
I cried today because i realized this. i realized that i can do this. i can do anything i need and want to.
i talked to my aunt today about everything. i even told her i was raped. that was really hard for me. for me to tell any family member other than cassy was a very big step for me.
i talked to her about everything and it was good. and she talked to me too. we are so much alike
today dustin and i kind of had a tiff. no big deal. at the time i wanted to give up on him
we were talking and he kept interupting me telling me he knew what i was saying. but i felt like he didnt since he wasnt listening.
i was saying that i was getting mad at him for taking off past me but really im mad at myself.
he's like i dont want you to be sad or mad please dont
i said its not because i am feeling sad or mad im taking credit for my actions
its myfault i couldnt do it no one elses.
he kept interrupting me . and i kept saying its not what you think, he says no i get it your mad for being heavy. your mad because you cant run we can run it again this time you can do it. i cried again and said your not listening listen to me!
then he took off . so i crossed the park and he ran! i was on the bench and he was running. he ran to me on the bench and sat down. we sat together and i talked to him calmly. im sorry we fought. im sorry. i wanted to tell you im not mad at anything. i am taking acredability to what i had done wrong.
i wronged myself.( i ate and ate until i got too big to do something i love. running.) 
And he said i have never met anyone who took credit for their actions like you. never. 
we talked it out and everything is ok now.
much better. 
earlier i was so pist at him. he was being snippy and passive. i could not understand. i wanted to run on a tredmill at the gym. why? he asks. 
i want to know why we cant do anything without him asking why? why not? oh because its cheap and i can do it anywhere. well guess what. i dont want to look like a failure when i hit the road and keep stoping i know that if im on a tredmill i can run as long as i want to.
its hard to run outside. i hate feeling like i cant do it. but now its ok. its ok to start out slow outside. 
yeah running out side is free but i prefer to run on a mill, fine do what you want to i dont care go to the gym. 
so i knew if i say hey lets run outside he'd be ok with it. i hate it though. he doesnt get that either. so i knew maybe if we exercised together we'd feel better. it did , but i felt kind of a douche and i felt like he was one too. so i bit my tongue for him and asked him to run outside with me.
he also doesnt get that i hate a certain exercise at the gym but i try it everytime, if i dont like it i wont do it.
hello! just because you dont like it doesnt mean its not good for you.
he was interupting me all the time at the park and saying that if he has something on his mind he'll say it when ever he wants to. and i said thats not fair. its inconsiderate.!! 
he made it clear that it was because he wasnt sure if im ever done. i told him to just fucking ask ha ha h a any way. im off to bed. <3