so today is day four and i noticed my urine smelled like honey bunches of oats. it smelled really sweet.
i dropped another pound. 200.6 today!!!
that is remarkable.
so that means i dropped, 7 lbs in just 3 days. i got my hcg in the mail but i have no idea what to eat for breakfast and lunch etc... so i am waiting for my book in the mail, gonna do some research and then continue with that.
this is the time around my period where im gaining water weight not losing it. im very impressed with myself that i was able to continue.
so i was at 207.8
180.0
------------
27.8
7.8
---------------
20 LBS i need to finish losing
so im going to continue with this.
i feel good today. really good. just need to wake up and i get to clean up again.
im having some family issues again. my grandpa butler is in the hospital. he was bit by a spider and it caused him to go to the hospital. that got infected and is spreading up his body. he's not doing too good right at the moment now.
i've got a "meeting" with my parents today and i have a gut feeling it will lead to nothing but more pist off people.
my poor sister is feeling like she shouldnt have a voice in the matter but she does!
i feel like my parents are moving because nothing seems like its going right here.
my points are going to be that there is really no excuse to move out of the state other than they are board and they want a change. which is selfish. and i am calling them on the carpet about it.
my dad has ms and they are using that as a scapegoat to move. dallas has some of the best ms clinics in the us! OH WELL the university of utah has some of the best ms clinics in the world! so ya really gonna move because of that well no not a very good point. oh its cheaper down there so we can help your dad and grandpa more. well knowing my mom she is gun hoe about it now but when she really has to take care of both of them (who actually can take care of themselves) she will get resentfull and have problems with this later. she can never do anything for anyone else unless she see's something in it for herself. I may be saying this out of anger, however i believe my dad will not be able to handle the life style he has now and he will pass because of this.
they moved my sister and i because of lots of excuses now they have lots more to move to texas. their relationship with my aunt and uncle are not so good right now because of my mother.
so with that said to me it looks like they just want to move to change scenery and that is not good for my dad. this is not good for my dad. im accusing my mother of going too far with the elaborate dinner for my grandpa because to me it seemed as though she was kissing his ass too far. later i find out through cassy that my mom did say "i hope your grandpa says its ok for us to move out there" and "we need to start cleaning out the garage for packing" getting an apraiser for the house, see these are all things that are like "hey, were moving" and to me, fine go move im glad you are because i dont want to see her fucking face here. it will be much easier to ignore them when they dont live here. much easier for me not to worry about my dad giving me a guilt trip to make things right with my mom even though she feels like she doesnt have to. so nice to know that one day its ok for her and i to have a great day and have a nice visit with one another yet then next time im curious as to why she is acting as if i need to bend over backwards to get attention from her. i wanted a mutual respect i want a mutual understanding of unconditional love. if she cannot provide me with even that shred of descency then fuck her!
i am so tired of being guilted into being nice to her. when all i ever am is nice to her. im the one making the effort she is not. when we can both say we have both made an equal effort out of nothing but unselfish qualities then yes i can go for it.
i dont buy into any of her bullshit. especially when she made that dinner for my grandpa. i brought this up to my dad and he said "if your father in law came into town you'd want to make a big deal about it too"
however it looked suspicious. and grandpa is a simple man. he was telling us this at the dinner table. that things dont matter when everything is said and done for. there was no need for it other than and alternative motive. and they wanted to kiss his ass so it would be easier for them to make this move.
i know they are going to point fingers at me and cassy.
and poor cassy!!!
i mean this, cassy is under so much stress because of this it makes me sad and tired.
cassy feels that our parents are being hystarical about this. and very contradicting. that my parents are saying dont criticize me about our life changes yet when cassy wants to have a life change our mother in particular will be the first one to criticize and let her know how its going to be done.
cassy would like to have a baby, my parents want to move, my parents are whining about not getting support yet they didnt even give any to cassy. and another thing about support why does david joining the marines not scare them!?!?!? why is it that they can get a big screen tv and new couches and new flooring yet cassy and david get to suffer without college money!?!?! its selfish thats why this whole fucking thing is about what they want not what they need to do as parents.
so that made me feel better. usually at this time i am hungry but im not at all. i have no cravings for anything and i have no desire to eat. wow.!!!!
i love atkins for more than one reason.
*better attitude
*helps depression
*helps anxiety
*helps tension
*promotes healthier eating
*promotes weight loss
*helps with hunger
*helps with cravings
*helps with appetite
*helps with hormones
*helps with PMS symptoms
*helps with skin, hair and nail growth
*leveled out blood sugar!
*positive attitude
*more energy
*better everything!!
so without cravings and stuff like that my hormones are under control. and i can actually live without feeling hungry or tired because i need a sugar fix or shit like that
i am very proud of being on day 4 of induction. i have always failed on 1-3 that was my weakest times
so being on day four makes me feel very accomplished.
im very excited to see what this next week and a half brings me weight wise.
i would love to see myself down to 190 by the middle of september
then by end of september be down to 180 again!!
perhaps being down to 170 by mid october
and 160 by end of october.
i have to start exercising again. you know i was making exuses and then just erased them ha ha ha im going to clean up here do some chores and then head to the gym come home and shower and then head out to my sisters. we have a lot to talk about today and get off our chests. i still need to eat lol
heaviest
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
day three induction
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i am now at 201.7
last night was easy!!! we went to chilis and then a movie. the time at chilis was great since i had shrimp fajitas and i mixed everything together like the lettuce on the side and cheese and salsa i helped myself to all the salsa!!
any way i also had 2 diet drinks too
so i ate everything except tortillas and sour cream which i know i could have eaten the sour cream but i dont like it so i didnt
it was so delicious!!
and anyway, i did really great and my sister wants me to write out a meal planned for a day for her.
this will be easy since she eats meat and i dont.
so i am really doing great!!
today is day three and i have no worrys about the day ahead of me so im going to eat my breakfast now and make lunch and do my duties in the house <3 <3!!!
i am now at 201.7
last night was easy!!! we went to chilis and then a movie. the time at chilis was great since i had shrimp fajitas and i mixed everything together like the lettuce on the side and cheese and salsa i helped myself to all the salsa!!
any way i also had 2 diet drinks too
so i ate everything except tortillas and sour cream which i know i could have eaten the sour cream but i dont like it so i didnt
it was so delicious!!
and anyway, i did really great and my sister wants me to write out a meal planned for a day for her.
this will be easy since she eats meat and i dont.
so i am really doing great!!
today is day three and i have no worrys about the day ahead of me so im going to eat my breakfast now and make lunch and do my duties in the house <3 <3!!!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
day two induction
got passed day one. the first and second days have always been easy. the third day sucks. my face feels really warm and i dont know why. perhaps because of green tea did it knock my body into ketosis faster? now i got the weird breath but only slightly. my face is really hot. it was very hot yesterday.
i will have to drink more water today since last night i drank some rum. i am so glad the rum has no carbs it.
awwwwhhhhh ahahahahahhaahhahhhah YAYAYAYAYAYY!!!! 202.3!!!!
yesterday i weighed myself at 207.8!! aww my gad!!
few things though... fiber fiber fiber!
coffee
awww thank god i feel so relieved. yesterday i cried to my boyfriend because i felt like a huge bitch. by huge bitch i mean a fat t-rex.
im so hard on myself because that is the only way i can get up the motivation to actually do something about it.
if i ever see 180 again im going to be so happy. who would have thought that it would be a damn roller costar.
i need to keep remembering that i am doing this for life. no easy way out and i know that will frustrate me so bad. and it has kept me from continuing. i know that this is a life change yet i just want an easy way to get me to my goal.
arrrggg....
so what i need to remember is that instead of feeling like "oh cant i be bad since i just lost 100 lbs"? i need to think to myself "remember when you made that promise to yourself to always eat healthy"?
thats what triggered it, i was so depressed about juan, my grandma and my dad and pressure to make things right with my mom for my grandpas sake, that i gave up on that.
its taking a lot of strength to get to my mindset now and see the failured attempts of weight loss again.
i get tired of seeing the scale go up and down and UP and down AND UP AND UP and then i cry because people are not calling me skinny any more and i am not getting attention like i used to .
to be frank, dustin's ex girlfriend was fat. and i feel like i am her.
i dont know where this comes from. i feel like he deserves a skinny ass girlfriend. i feel like i deserve to be that skinny ass for him.
i know its taking a lot of strength to get myself out of the poor me category and start helping my soul rather than helping me stuff my self wrong.
now more than ever, i need to be strong for me. i need to get my shit together and start becoming the woman i was seeking to be. I remember when i was living on my own on foothill dr, that i looked at myself and was like i have finally become the woman i wanted to become. now im like thinking where did she go. i will not feel sorry for myself any more. I am ready to accept that this will take hard work and discipline. that instead of looking at it like i have a life time of "no thanks i dont eat cake" or "can you please put the dressing on the side" or " thanks for the candy, but i dont eat it"
i need to look at it like all that shit is shit. not healthy. why put garbage in my body? why, if my body is organic, that i would put refined shit in it?
the fact is i needed to get to the root of why i started eating nasty again.
i want to make a promise to myself i have 2 months until one of my favorite holidays. Halloween. i want to be sexy. i will be skinny. i have 2 months. and then for christmas, i have 4 months. i can get to 170 by the end of the year. but what if i want to reach my goal by the end of the year? help from hcg and atkins will have to be it.
im going to do 2 weeks of induction and then use hcg with atkins after my two weeks. i kind of feel like i would have to hide my shit from my boyfriend so i do not get ridiculed for what i choose to do.
any way, i am going to use september as a trial month.
sept 11th i should be 195- 190 i would love to see 190. the way i can get there is if after my 3 days of trying to get into ketosis i go and work out.
and i work out every day. then another 2 weeks i could hit 180 so be at 180 by end of september. then another 2 weeks, be at 170 and by halloween i could see 160 perhaps in november i could see 150
its pretty fast but i need to get a grip. these are unrealistic goals. then i challenge myself .
i will have to drink more water today since last night i drank some rum. i am so glad the rum has no carbs it.
awwwwhhhhh ahahahahahhaahhahhhah YAYAYAYAYAYY!!!! 202.3!!!!
yesterday i weighed myself at 207.8!! aww my gad!!
few things though... fiber fiber fiber!
coffee
awww thank god i feel so relieved. yesterday i cried to my boyfriend because i felt like a huge bitch. by huge bitch i mean a fat t-rex.
im so hard on myself because that is the only way i can get up the motivation to actually do something about it.
if i ever see 180 again im going to be so happy. who would have thought that it would be a damn roller costar.
i need to keep remembering that i am doing this for life. no easy way out and i know that will frustrate me so bad. and it has kept me from continuing. i know that this is a life change yet i just want an easy way to get me to my goal.
arrrggg....
so what i need to remember is that instead of feeling like "oh cant i be bad since i just lost 100 lbs"? i need to think to myself "remember when you made that promise to yourself to always eat healthy"?
thats what triggered it, i was so depressed about juan, my grandma and my dad and pressure to make things right with my mom for my grandpas sake, that i gave up on that.
its taking a lot of strength to get to my mindset now and see the failured attempts of weight loss again.
i get tired of seeing the scale go up and down and UP and down AND UP AND UP and then i cry because people are not calling me skinny any more and i am not getting attention like i used to .
to be frank, dustin's ex girlfriend was fat. and i feel like i am her.
i dont know where this comes from. i feel like he deserves a skinny ass girlfriend. i feel like i deserve to be that skinny ass for him.
i know its taking a lot of strength to get myself out of the poor me category and start helping my soul rather than helping me stuff my self wrong.
now more than ever, i need to be strong for me. i need to get my shit together and start becoming the woman i was seeking to be. I remember when i was living on my own on foothill dr, that i looked at myself and was like i have finally become the woman i wanted to become. now im like thinking where did she go. i will not feel sorry for myself any more. I am ready to accept that this will take hard work and discipline. that instead of looking at it like i have a life time of "no thanks i dont eat cake" or "can you please put the dressing on the side" or " thanks for the candy, but i dont eat it"
i need to look at it like all that shit is shit. not healthy. why put garbage in my body? why, if my body is organic, that i would put refined shit in it?
the fact is i needed to get to the root of why i started eating nasty again.
i want to make a promise to myself i have 2 months until one of my favorite holidays. Halloween. i want to be sexy. i will be skinny. i have 2 months. and then for christmas, i have 4 months. i can get to 170 by the end of the year. but what if i want to reach my goal by the end of the year? help from hcg and atkins will have to be it.
im going to do 2 weeks of induction and then use hcg with atkins after my two weeks. i kind of feel like i would have to hide my shit from my boyfriend so i do not get ridiculed for what i choose to do.
any way, i am going to use september as a trial month.
sept 11th i should be 195- 190 i would love to see 190. the way i can get there is if after my 3 days of trying to get into ketosis i go and work out.
and i work out every day. then another 2 weeks i could hit 180 so be at 180 by end of september. then another 2 weeks, be at 170 and by halloween i could see 160 perhaps in november i could see 150
its pretty fast but i need to get a grip. these are unrealistic goals. then i challenge myself .
Saturday, August 28, 2010
another day....
so today i get home and i find a few of my cheeses missing.
that mother fucker ate my brie, ate my cheese and scarfs my veggie burgers i know he does. and then he gives money to my boyfriend for it and he didnt even give me money for my f'ng cheese!!!
today i did really well ... so far. i got home and wanted to weigh myself because i feel lighter. yeah right up one pound!!! i need to really not check it for a while but my period is on its way great.
lunch i ate a veggie burger and broccoli with soy sauce, and a jello cup
green tea all day long and coffee in the AM
then came home and ate some more cheese
good thing rum only has 0 net carbs or i swear i'd die right now!!!
i had eaten shrimp with avocado, bell pepper, cumin, garlic, olive oil, fuck he just asked me and didnt even seem to care about it.
wtf....
lettuce instead of tortilla, salsa, and my favorite~~~~~ chalula, lime, cilantro and green onion
i also had a jello cup with whip cream and fiber, 2 doses.
actually ive had 4 shares of fiber today.
so my net carb intake was only 6 dinner, 5 for lunch and 5 for breakfast.
yay for me. lots of water.
im very proud of myself for todays battle.
i was demo'ing chips and salsa today. think about how hard it is for me to demo chips at costco and not eat one.
so tomorrow i am going to eat my avocado, salsa, eggs, and green onion to spice it up.
any way ttyl
so today i get home and i find a few of my cheeses missing.
that mother fucker ate my brie, ate my cheese and scarfs my veggie burgers i know he does. and then he gives money to my boyfriend for it and he didnt even give me money for my f'ng cheese!!!
today i did really well ... so far. i got home and wanted to weigh myself because i feel lighter. yeah right up one pound!!! i need to really not check it for a while but my period is on its way great.
lunch i ate a veggie burger and broccoli with soy sauce, and a jello cup
green tea all day long and coffee in the AM
then came home and ate some more cheese
good thing rum only has 0 net carbs or i swear i'd die right now!!!
i had eaten shrimp with avocado, bell pepper, cumin, garlic, olive oil, fuck he just asked me and didnt even seem to care about it.
wtf....
lettuce instead of tortilla, salsa, and my favorite~~~~~ chalula, lime, cilantro and green onion
i also had a jello cup with whip cream and fiber, 2 doses.
actually ive had 4 shares of fiber today.
so my net carb intake was only 6 dinner, 5 for lunch and 5 for breakfast.
yay for me. lots of water.
im very proud of myself for todays battle.
i was demo'ing chips and salsa today. think about how hard it is for me to demo chips at costco and not eat one.
so tomorrow i am going to eat my avocado, salsa, eggs, and green onion to spice it up.
any way ttyl
so i decided i am a binge eater. and yesterday i did so well except for dinner. i porked out and now i am 206.6.
today i need to promise myself i will lose this weight. it will not be easy. it will not be something im going to want to do everyday. It is something i will be prideful in later. all i need to do is be patient. thats it. patience. and i have non. why should i be so mean to myself as to deny patience to me?
right now i am getting ready for my day.
i got my splenda & coffee rockin right now. i will need to drink some water and make breakfast. perhaps eggs and avocado. (potasium) i was feeling really tired yesterday and i think- i know my period is coming soon.
i read that binge eaters are usually depressed. so when i get to go and talk to a dr. im going to ask them for help.
if i have not been able to help myself. It's right though. when people asked me how i lost all my weight i say its because i was happy. i really was though. i was with my ex juan and i was so content! i was losing this weight and people were noticing me shrinking.
i hate to admit to it, but maybe im depressed because no one has said how good i look. ewww.... 25 lbs i have gained. i get on myself so bad about it.
i used to purge. it was triggered by this kid who said i was pretty but i was just too fat.
i would go to del taco and order a whole mess of food then throw it up in the parking lot.
i did it quite often. but i never knew my weight i just did it because i knew throwing up was my way of control
at the time i only recognized it as i gotta do something desperate to lose weight.
this was like 4-5 years ago. i havent done it since then. since i decided to lose weight to be healthy. today im going to work and im going to be surrounded by food. when i cave in i get so down on myself.
lately i've been feeling really fat. (thanks PMS)
lol
i can not eat my feelings. and i do that by eating garbage because i feel like garbage.
i had a dream last night that my dad died. i know i am feeling a lot of resentment to my mom and dad right now. and what kills more of me is my sister is really being affected by this.
she is my best friend. It pains me to see her upset about anything. so im upset at them for making her feel bad.
Shit maybe i just need to write this crap down so i get it out instead of covering it up with food.
I am still upset about my relationship with my mom. no matter how hard i have tried to make mends with her it is never enough. what pisses me off more than anything is her hatred to herself.
i hate the fact that she hates herself so much she cannot accept help so she has to use people.
i hate the fact that she doesnt trust any one. i hate that she doesnt allow forgiveness to herself. i hate how she treats the family and i certainly hate how she hurt my best friend. I hate how she takes her life for granted and i hate how she takes those she "loves" lives for granted. i hate how much i have had to learn about her fucked up life so i can stop living a fucked up life. how hard it is to sit here and admit that i would run head first into a wall as fast as i possibly could after sniffing nail polish so hopefully i could pass out.
i hate admitting that i would cut myself because i was in so much pain inside i needed to feel it on my outside.
that while my mother was beating me i would always wish she would really knock me out. and i would be out for good. that the only thing that would cheer me up after hearing cries from my sister was packing my stuff up and trying to get the balls to run away, but never could since i would always be too scared of that woman.
even to this day i feel like i have to second guess my attitudes and feelings because of her. that i had gotten into the arms of a controlling man because it was comfortable. that i once slept with a man who was 43 years old an alcoholic, a drama queen, a man child ( by drama queen i mean he would get into a faux knife fight with his other alcoholic friend and call me because he was bleeding and i needed to come over because they didnt want to call an ambulance, or when that friend of his got hit by a train)
i hate that i was used by another older man, yeah only for 60 bucks for his gas and a lay. most of all
i treated myself like shit and i hate that. when i first got kicked out of my house, i got drunk all the time because i was hurting so bad. i got all that out of my system thank god. i dont get drunk all the time.
i was raped, and i couldnt talk to my parents about it because i was so ashamed. because i felt like my mom would make me feel bad and accuse me of it being my fault. and because of that I FELT LIKE IT WAS MY FUCKING FAULT!!
its not. i had the opportunity to confront him one day. i was at work and i had seen him. he tried flirting with me at first. how disgusted i felt. he is still just as ugly. i riped into him letting him know how i felt.
i told him you took something away from me that didnt belong to you. you stole from me. he stole my virginity.
i called him an asshole and a piece of shit. and all he said to me that i allowed him to speak to me, " i have friends who have gone through the same thing and i am so sorry, what do you want i will give you anything" i told him i wanted nothing. i fucking hated him. i forgive him for being weak. i forgive myself for ever thinking it was my fault. i forgive him. i will never forget and i would never want to be friends with him.
i forgive him for having him make me, hate me. at the end of the rape, that SOB gave me 18$ and a hug. wtf.
i have been engaged 2 times. both times i was semi happy. i WAS truly upset at myself thinking i was to blame for the break up. that i was the one who fails. now i need to recognize that i did not fail, they failed me and i forgive them.
i feel that the hardest thing to do is try to forgive my mom again. she tried apologizing once to me. apologizing for having anxiety and not telling me. she gave me a look like "please dont make me ask for forgiveness. please just know the hardest thing for me to do is this." and "please just know that i am sorry for everything"
sorry i didnt want that. she tried playing it off like it was some dr. bullshit. that people are not really affected by it. i do not like the way my dad and mom both down play the seriousness of depression and anxiety.
i had anxiety so bad once, i did not eat but maybe 100 calories in a 2 week span and lost 12 pounds.
that was one hell of a poor excuse for an apology.
now she's being weird ever since she had done that. she wont make the first attempt to hug me. or talk to me or say anything nice to me. you know how this makes me feel? like shit!
it makes me feel bad about things. as if she again is making me feel like i just need to cave in and forgive her because look at how hard she works for it. and that makes me angry. it makes me angry that people love her and when she tries to get assistance from family, she takes as much advantage of it as possible. it disgusts me that i have to work so fucking hard to get into school. and they have a new tv. it makes me sad that i have never asked them for money, but when i ask my dad for something the first thing he says is i dont have money.
so i made a delicious breakfast but before i say what it is. i was getting ready and i hadn't eaten yet, but i was not hungry. i am eating for the mere fact of i know i need to other wise later i will be a ravenous pig.
im not starving im not over indulging. i made 3 eggs, 2 whites 1 yolk, salsa, avocado, fiber and cheese. bee pollen = 5 carbs.
lunch is a veggie patty, and broccoli and jello= 5 carbs.
dinner will probably be shrimp, lettuce, salsa, lime juice, so im making tacos= 2 carbs
this blog really helped me today. i am holding a lot of resentment and hostility to people who have done me wrong but i know the best thing to do for me is to let go of it.
eating is not to swallow emotions. eating is to sustain life. eating is not to hide anger right now and then later have the weight on and go "shit what happened?' you cant feed the soul with anything but love. and you feed your body with food.
when my dad said that i was an angry person he was fucking right. what he fails to do is own up to his share of my anger. Is it even right for me to say that? yeah it is, because he hasn't apologized to me for anything.
when i leave, i want my ends tied. i want to be free of anything or anyone i have wronged. baggage will tie me to earth instead of reaching the other side. today when i see that food at work, i will remember how many times i have said no to other temptations and that this time is no different and i will have to say it pleanty of times in the future. i will remember that if i eat that garbage today i will be allowing myself to fall victim of all the shit that has happened to me.
i just owe it to myself to be patient. <3
today i need to promise myself i will lose this weight. it will not be easy. it will not be something im going to want to do everyday. It is something i will be prideful in later. all i need to do is be patient. thats it. patience. and i have non. why should i be so mean to myself as to deny patience to me?
right now i am getting ready for my day.
i got my splenda & coffee rockin right now. i will need to drink some water and make breakfast. perhaps eggs and avocado. (potasium) i was feeling really tired yesterday and i think- i know my period is coming soon.
i read that binge eaters are usually depressed. so when i get to go and talk to a dr. im going to ask them for help.
if i have not been able to help myself. It's right though. when people asked me how i lost all my weight i say its because i was happy. i really was though. i was with my ex juan and i was so content! i was losing this weight and people were noticing me shrinking.
i hate to admit to it, but maybe im depressed because no one has said how good i look. ewww.... 25 lbs i have gained. i get on myself so bad about it.
i used to purge. it was triggered by this kid who said i was pretty but i was just too fat.
i would go to del taco and order a whole mess of food then throw it up in the parking lot.
i did it quite often. but i never knew my weight i just did it because i knew throwing up was my way of control
at the time i only recognized it as i gotta do something desperate to lose weight.
this was like 4-5 years ago. i havent done it since then. since i decided to lose weight to be healthy. today im going to work and im going to be surrounded by food. when i cave in i get so down on myself.
lately i've been feeling really fat. (thanks PMS)
lol
i can not eat my feelings. and i do that by eating garbage because i feel like garbage.
i had a dream last night that my dad died. i know i am feeling a lot of resentment to my mom and dad right now. and what kills more of me is my sister is really being affected by this.
she is my best friend. It pains me to see her upset about anything. so im upset at them for making her feel bad.
Shit maybe i just need to write this crap down so i get it out instead of covering it up with food.
I am still upset about my relationship with my mom. no matter how hard i have tried to make mends with her it is never enough. what pisses me off more than anything is her hatred to herself.
i hate the fact that she hates herself so much she cannot accept help so she has to use people.
i hate the fact that she doesnt trust any one. i hate that she doesnt allow forgiveness to herself. i hate how she treats the family and i certainly hate how she hurt my best friend. I hate how she takes her life for granted and i hate how she takes those she "loves" lives for granted. i hate how much i have had to learn about her fucked up life so i can stop living a fucked up life. how hard it is to sit here and admit that i would run head first into a wall as fast as i possibly could after sniffing nail polish so hopefully i could pass out.
i hate admitting that i would cut myself because i was in so much pain inside i needed to feel it on my outside.
that while my mother was beating me i would always wish she would really knock me out. and i would be out for good. that the only thing that would cheer me up after hearing cries from my sister was packing my stuff up and trying to get the balls to run away, but never could since i would always be too scared of that woman.
even to this day i feel like i have to second guess my attitudes and feelings because of her. that i had gotten into the arms of a controlling man because it was comfortable. that i once slept with a man who was 43 years old an alcoholic, a drama queen, a man child ( by drama queen i mean he would get into a faux knife fight with his other alcoholic friend and call me because he was bleeding and i needed to come over because they didnt want to call an ambulance, or when that friend of his got hit by a train)
i hate that i was used by another older man, yeah only for 60 bucks for his gas and a lay. most of all
i treated myself like shit and i hate that. when i first got kicked out of my house, i got drunk all the time because i was hurting so bad. i got all that out of my system thank god. i dont get drunk all the time.
i was raped, and i couldnt talk to my parents about it because i was so ashamed. because i felt like my mom would make me feel bad and accuse me of it being my fault. and because of that I FELT LIKE IT WAS MY FUCKING FAULT!!
its not. i had the opportunity to confront him one day. i was at work and i had seen him. he tried flirting with me at first. how disgusted i felt. he is still just as ugly. i riped into him letting him know how i felt.
i told him you took something away from me that didnt belong to you. you stole from me. he stole my virginity.
i called him an asshole and a piece of shit. and all he said to me that i allowed him to speak to me, " i have friends who have gone through the same thing and i am so sorry, what do you want i will give you anything" i told him i wanted nothing. i fucking hated him. i forgive him for being weak. i forgive myself for ever thinking it was my fault. i forgive him. i will never forget and i would never want to be friends with him.
i forgive him for having him make me, hate me. at the end of the rape, that SOB gave me 18$ and a hug. wtf.
i have been engaged 2 times. both times i was semi happy. i WAS truly upset at myself thinking i was to blame for the break up. that i was the one who fails. now i need to recognize that i did not fail, they failed me and i forgive them.
i feel that the hardest thing to do is try to forgive my mom again. she tried apologizing once to me. apologizing for having anxiety and not telling me. she gave me a look like "please dont make me ask for forgiveness. please just know the hardest thing for me to do is this." and "please just know that i am sorry for everything"
sorry i didnt want that. she tried playing it off like it was some dr. bullshit. that people are not really affected by it. i do not like the way my dad and mom both down play the seriousness of depression and anxiety.
i had anxiety so bad once, i did not eat but maybe 100 calories in a 2 week span and lost 12 pounds.
that was one hell of a poor excuse for an apology.
now she's being weird ever since she had done that. she wont make the first attempt to hug me. or talk to me or say anything nice to me. you know how this makes me feel? like shit!
it makes me feel bad about things. as if she again is making me feel like i just need to cave in and forgive her because look at how hard she works for it. and that makes me angry. it makes me angry that people love her and when she tries to get assistance from family, she takes as much advantage of it as possible. it disgusts me that i have to work so fucking hard to get into school. and they have a new tv. it makes me sad that i have never asked them for money, but when i ask my dad for something the first thing he says is i dont have money.
so i made a delicious breakfast but before i say what it is. i was getting ready and i hadn't eaten yet, but i was not hungry. i am eating for the mere fact of i know i need to other wise later i will be a ravenous pig.
im not starving im not over indulging. i made 3 eggs, 2 whites 1 yolk, salsa, avocado, fiber and cheese. bee pollen = 5 carbs.
lunch is a veggie patty, and broccoli and jello= 5 carbs.
dinner will probably be shrimp, lettuce, salsa, lime juice, so im making tacos= 2 carbs
this blog really helped me today. i am holding a lot of resentment and hostility to people who have done me wrong but i know the best thing to do for me is to let go of it.
eating is not to swallow emotions. eating is to sustain life. eating is not to hide anger right now and then later have the weight on and go "shit what happened?' you cant feed the soul with anything but love. and you feed your body with food.
when my dad said that i was an angry person he was fucking right. what he fails to do is own up to his share of my anger. Is it even right for me to say that? yeah it is, because he hasn't apologized to me for anything.
when i leave, i want my ends tied. i want to be free of anything or anyone i have wronged. baggage will tie me to earth instead of reaching the other side. today when i see that food at work, i will remember how many times i have said no to other temptations and that this time is no different and i will have to say it pleanty of times in the future. i will remember that if i eat that garbage today i will be allowing myself to fall victim of all the shit that has happened to me.
i just owe it to myself to be patient. <3
Friday, August 27, 2010
i hate this.... i gained at least 3 pounds. I AM DONE BEING FAT!!! my clothes are fitting differently, my lack of energy is driving me crazy. i cant handle it any more. i really can not handle going up one more pant size!! i weighed in at 205 today. I AM FUCKING DONE!! i am giving myself, until september 15th, to weigh 180 again. it is august 27th. and i am giving myself 3 weeks.
Schedule goes as follows;
days i dont work:
wake up at 0900
drink coffee, blog eat breakfast
get ready for gym
work out, run 30 minutes, weights, abs, sauna
come home do chores
laundry, dishes, bathroom, bird and dog food and water, clean room
lunch
dinner
breakfast: 2 eggs, avocado, salsa, bee pollen, 2 bottles of water coffee with splenda
lunch: tuna or veggie patty, broccoli, cheese
dinner: seared salmon with veggies
water water water
days that i do work the same will apply i will just have to work out after work is done
today will be the first day back on track.
i need to do some chores today,
kitchen, bathroom, laundry, bedroom, laundry room
clean out bird cage, give chance water, clean out fridge and get ready for the day.
have not yet eaten breakfast, just coffee and water i weighed myself today and i will not weigh myself again for 3 days.
i found out i am a binge eater. im going to do some research on this
i just bought more HCG drops. im going to combine it with atkins. so 500 calories/ day with no carbs.
so
im also thinking of joining weight watchers.
I need support. one way i can get it is probably find an online chat forum OA is for people who want to give into a god and i dont know if i'd like to pay 40 bucks a month to go to a meeting every day or week.
but maybe it would be good for me
if i go to weight watchers and my points are like 20 a day, i can incorporate my atkins way of eating as well as my HCG? we'll see. i tried finding a guide online for my points system. it would help me. but i've tried weight watchers 2 other times and i got no results. I could do my own thing and just go for support. HOW CAN I PAY 40 bucks a month for support, when i lose weight my friends do support me. i need to lose the 25 lbs. and i will do it.
i find that it gets really hard for me to lose weight and stay on track when i go out to eat, when there are social settings, when i am alone, when i am mad or sad or pissy, or even when i am pmsing.
im going to do my apatrim, and atkins until i get my hcg, then do all three at the same time. with exercise and eating well.
i can do it i really can i did it before why will i allow myself to quit!?!?
i need to get back up and stop being hard on myself.
i know i binge eat like a mother fucker.
i know its because i am depressed.
with atkins after switching my sugar energy to my fat energy i got so pumped and was in such a great mood all the time
i know i started binge eating because of all the crap that went down in march.
that i lost my grandma, my dad was diagnosed with MS and my fiance cheated on me. i found out he was lying to me about a lot of stuff.
i had to move i lost my job in july because of anxiety. this year has not treated me well yet. not at all. to top it off my dad was having his flare up and my mom is acusing both my sister and i for it. i proposed to dustin and he was upset i did that i made him feel uncomfortable. i didnt really care since i thought maybe he'd be on board for just eloping. but he wasnt and that doesnt mean he doesnt love me so im not upset at all. yesterday we had amazing sex it was great we hadd some drinks watched some naughty things. im waiting for some toys COMING SOON!!! woo hoo!!! i am going to buy some clothes at the end of september. september is my month i will lose the 25 pounds if i get my drops and stay on atkins i could lose almost 30 lbs in two weeks. and if i exercise its possible. its possible that by halloween i can be super skinny and wear what i want to wear. it would be fun to be jessica from true blood or even sookie LOL
i would love to do that.
but i need to be skinny. I NEED TO lose this weight i am desperate. i am wanting this so bad. i need to keep on track and not let this depression get the best of me.i better get going on this. writing helps me. i need to find other outlets other than eating. i need to master my guitar, school, work, working out, writing, i got things i can do besides eat. i need to do this for my health i need to do this for my happiness, no one elses just mine!!
Schedule goes as follows;
days i dont work:
wake up at 0900
drink coffee, blog eat breakfast
get ready for gym
work out, run 30 minutes, weights, abs, sauna
come home do chores
laundry, dishes, bathroom, bird and dog food and water, clean room
lunch
dinner
breakfast: 2 eggs, avocado, salsa, bee pollen, 2 bottles of water coffee with splenda
lunch: tuna or veggie patty, broccoli, cheese
dinner: seared salmon with veggies
water water water
days that i do work the same will apply i will just have to work out after work is done
today will be the first day back on track.
i need to do some chores today,
kitchen, bathroom, laundry, bedroom, laundry room
clean out bird cage, give chance water, clean out fridge and get ready for the day.
have not yet eaten breakfast, just coffee and water i weighed myself today and i will not weigh myself again for 3 days.
i found out i am a binge eater. im going to do some research on this
i just bought more HCG drops. im going to combine it with atkins. so 500 calories/ day with no carbs.
so
im also thinking of joining weight watchers.
I need support. one way i can get it is probably find an online chat forum OA is for people who want to give into a god and i dont know if i'd like to pay 40 bucks a month to go to a meeting every day or week.
but maybe it would be good for me
if i go to weight watchers and my points are like 20 a day, i can incorporate my atkins way of eating as well as my HCG? we'll see. i tried finding a guide online for my points system. it would help me. but i've tried weight watchers 2 other times and i got no results. I could do my own thing and just go for support. HOW CAN I PAY 40 bucks a month for support, when i lose weight my friends do support me. i need to lose the 25 lbs. and i will do it.
i find that it gets really hard for me to lose weight and stay on track when i go out to eat, when there are social settings, when i am alone, when i am mad or sad or pissy, or even when i am pmsing.
im going to do my apatrim, and atkins until i get my hcg, then do all three at the same time. with exercise and eating well.
i can do it i really can i did it before why will i allow myself to quit!?!?
i need to get back up and stop being hard on myself.
i know i binge eat like a mother fucker.
i know its because i am depressed.
with atkins after switching my sugar energy to my fat energy i got so pumped and was in such a great mood all the time
i know i started binge eating because of all the crap that went down in march.
that i lost my grandma, my dad was diagnosed with MS and my fiance cheated on me. i found out he was lying to me about a lot of stuff.
i had to move i lost my job in july because of anxiety. this year has not treated me well yet. not at all. to top it off my dad was having his flare up and my mom is acusing both my sister and i for it. i proposed to dustin and he was upset i did that i made him feel uncomfortable. i didnt really care since i thought maybe he'd be on board for just eloping. but he wasnt and that doesnt mean he doesnt love me so im not upset at all. yesterday we had amazing sex it was great we hadd some drinks watched some naughty things. im waiting for some toys COMING SOON!!! woo hoo!!! i am going to buy some clothes at the end of september. september is my month i will lose the 25 pounds if i get my drops and stay on atkins i could lose almost 30 lbs in two weeks. and if i exercise its possible. its possible that by halloween i can be super skinny and wear what i want to wear. it would be fun to be jessica from true blood or even sookie LOL
i would love to do that.
but i need to be skinny. I NEED TO lose this weight i am desperate. i am wanting this so bad. i need to keep on track and not let this depression get the best of me.i better get going on this. writing helps me. i need to find other outlets other than eating. i need to master my guitar, school, work, working out, writing, i got things i can do besides eat. i need to do this for my health i need to do this for my happiness, no one elses just mine!!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
i am restarting it today.
breakfast i ate eggs, cheese, avocado, salsa bee pollen, coffee and creamer, = 5
i worry because someone is sharing the fridge and he ate my fucking brie, that asshole has no idea how hard it is to stay on track with my dieting. fuck!!!! wow im pissed. fucken aye!! gotta get ready for work ttyl
breakfast i ate eggs, cheese, avocado, salsa bee pollen, coffee and creamer, = 5
i worry because someone is sharing the fridge and he ate my fucking brie, that asshole has no idea how hard it is to stay on track with my dieting. fuck!!!! wow im pissed. fucken aye!! gotta get ready for work ttyl
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
wow so again last night i had some bad urges to eat some sugar. but didnt cave in. for people who dont know what a craving for food is, its like craving a cigarette so bad. its like craving, wanting, its on your mind and the only way to get rid of it is by giving into it.
missing it. your not hungry you just want it so badly. yesterday we went to red lobster and i ate shrimp scampi and crab with steamed broccoli. then i came home and ate some sugar free jello, and aslo was hungry so i ate some cheese, 0 carbs brie which i have been wanting for months now.
so i made a meat patty and also ate some cheese.
im drinking coffee right now and am going to make some breakfast this morning. usual,, eggs, avocado, salsa
i bought this splenda coffee sweetner and its french vanilla flavored.
were going to deer creek so were going to be having a good time with my family. there will be temptation to drink beer and eat snacks i know this. i hate this. this is day three of induction and i wish i had my apatrim. i almost caved last night. im constipated!! i hate this!!! i actually caved in and weighed myself last night. i weigh the same. :( but i just ate, and it was night, and im constipated. :( so f* it.
that would teach me right???
hopefully people can respect my right to say no. any way gotta go get ready
missing it. your not hungry you just want it so badly. yesterday we went to red lobster and i ate shrimp scampi and crab with steamed broccoli. then i came home and ate some sugar free jello, and aslo was hungry so i ate some cheese, 0 carbs brie which i have been wanting for months now.
so i made a meat patty and also ate some cheese.
im drinking coffee right now and am going to make some breakfast this morning. usual,, eggs, avocado, salsa
i bought this splenda coffee sweetner and its french vanilla flavored.
were going to deer creek so were going to be having a good time with my family. there will be temptation to drink beer and eat snacks i know this. i hate this. this is day three of induction and i wish i had my apatrim. i almost caved last night. im constipated!! i hate this!!! i actually caved in and weighed myself last night. i weigh the same. :( but i just ate, and it was night, and im constipated. :( so f* it.
that would teach me right???
hopefully people can respect my right to say no. any way gotta go get ready
Saturday, August 21, 2010
got over last night. last night i had such bad cravings for sugar. i conquered it last night. i ate no sugar!! so i ate a peice of cheese instead.
breakfast: 2 eggs, 1/4 avocado, 2 tbs salsa coffee water and bee pollen
total= 3 net carbs.
i ate this fabulous salmon i cooked last night so freaking good!! i have been drinking lots of water too. so the first day went great. i really want to jump on that scale almost as bad as eating ice cream. though last night i had the worst cravings for sugar. i know im repeating myself but it was bad. if my boyfriend went to the store and bought me ice cream i probably would have eaten a whole lot of carbs while he was gone then ice cream. there is no way i would have just eaten the ice cream. i would have put a dent in all this shit in the fridge.
i wanted to say to hell with it and go for it but i did not.
i thought to myself," you went this whole day and didn't eat garbage and you want to waste it?".
what is the difference between wasting one good day and wasting 6 months? length. but really they are both the same thing. so i didnt do it.
im supposed to go over to a friends house tonight for her bbq dinner party. i am going to bring over my veggie patty that i already am going to cook.
hopefully that wont make me stray. and then there will be alcohol there to im sure. and tomorrow there will be booze too when we go out with the family. and then monday im haging out with my friend jessica and were going to chilis. she loves that place and so do i. i picked it because they have a shrimp salad that is freaking delicious
im proud of my victories. 1) not caving into my cravings 2) running 2.4 miles 3) not caving into smoking again. oh yeah i quit two days ago!!
so today i might be going to the gym again. i will run, hot tub YAY!!! arms today. stretching but hot tub!!
not too much to talk about today. i will edit my post for lunch and dinner.wish me luck
breakfast: 2 eggs, 1/4 avocado, 2 tbs salsa coffee water and bee pollen
total= 3 net carbs.
i ate this fabulous salmon i cooked last night so freaking good!! i have been drinking lots of water too. so the first day went great. i really want to jump on that scale almost as bad as eating ice cream. though last night i had the worst cravings for sugar. i know im repeating myself but it was bad. if my boyfriend went to the store and bought me ice cream i probably would have eaten a whole lot of carbs while he was gone then ice cream. there is no way i would have just eaten the ice cream. i would have put a dent in all this shit in the fridge.
i wanted to say to hell with it and go for it but i did not.
i thought to myself," you went this whole day and didn't eat garbage and you want to waste it?".
what is the difference between wasting one good day and wasting 6 months? length. but really they are both the same thing. so i didnt do it.
im supposed to go over to a friends house tonight for her bbq dinner party. i am going to bring over my veggie patty that i already am going to cook.
hopefully that wont make me stray. and then there will be alcohol there to im sure. and tomorrow there will be booze too when we go out with the family. and then monday im haging out with my friend jessica and were going to chilis. she loves that place and so do i. i picked it because they have a shrimp salad that is freaking delicious
im proud of my victories. 1) not caving into my cravings 2) running 2.4 miles 3) not caving into smoking again. oh yeah i quit two days ago!!
so today i might be going to the gym again. i will run, hot tub YAY!!! arms today. stretching but hot tub!!
not too much to talk about today. i will edit my post for lunch and dinner.wish me luck
Friday, August 20, 2010
lunch
spinach salad with cilantro ranch dressing ; 4
salmon with salsa tacos no tortilla, lettuce wrap: 3
gum; 2
pickle; 0
9net carbs
total with breakfast is around 14.1
which gives me 4.9 carbs left
maybe for dinner i can have broccoli and cheese YUM!!!
i ran today for 2.43 miles on the treadmill and spent about 4 minutes in the sauna, then worked on abs. my boyfriend was trying to keep up. good for him lol
im proud of myself for doing that much today!!!
whoo hooo.!!! dinner will be broccoli and cheese TASTY!!!
dinner i made some bomb ass salmon. with broccoli and cheese.
soy sauce, salmon, pepper, sesame seed oil
so good and it was only 2 carbs for dinner and i ate a slice of cheese. so 3 carbs for dinner
I am feeling hot in my face which almost feels like ketosis. and i tasted metal in my mouth. i have been drinking lots of water today.
i need to keep that up. i need to wake up early, like 8:30 make breakfast of eggs and avocado, salsa again. and my coffee. then bring my gym bag because cassy wants to work out and swim. i want to run for a while maybe 30. and then go home pick up dusting and go to the gym again? maybe not run at cassy's just swim
salmon with salsa tacos no tortilla, lettuce wrap: 3
gum; 2
pickle; 0
9net carbs
total with breakfast is around 14.1
which gives me 4.9 carbs left
maybe for dinner i can have broccoli and cheese YUM!!!
i ran today for 2.43 miles on the treadmill and spent about 4 minutes in the sauna, then worked on abs. my boyfriend was trying to keep up. good for him lol
im proud of myself for doing that much today!!!
whoo hooo.!!! dinner will be broccoli and cheese TASTY!!!
dinner i made some bomb ass salmon. with broccoli and cheese.
soy sauce, salmon, pepper, sesame seed oil
so good and it was only 2 carbs for dinner and i ate a slice of cheese. so 3 carbs for dinner
I am feeling hot in my face which almost feels like ketosis. and i tasted metal in my mouth. i have been drinking lots of water today.
i need to keep that up. i need to wake up early, like 8:30 make breakfast of eggs and avocado, salsa again. and my coffee. then bring my gym bag because cassy wants to work out and swim. i want to run for a while maybe 30. and then go home pick up dusting and go to the gym again? maybe not run at cassy's just swim
so this morning i woke up and i feel good enough to run today not that sore at all.
made a few phone calls, did some chores and ate breakfast.
olive oil 0
avocado- 2.4
eggs 3-1 .8
salsa- .5
fiber-1
bee pollen- .4
= 5.1
coffee and water too
i feel so full right now. that was quite a bit of food for breakfast!!
i made myself a mix for my ipod for my workout!
very excited!!!
i didnt weigh myself which is something big to me since i have been guilty of weighing myself up to 7 times a day. they are right when they say to weigh yourself at the same time each week because you may get discouraged.
what im hoping from this week is to run 5 out of the 7 days. and at least work out 6 of the 7 days. tomorrow i have a mary kay thing with cassy at ten or nine so i will be working out with her tomorrow.
swimming and gym. it will be nice.
then sunday we have a family get together perhaps i can go to the gym before.
then monday i have dinner with a close friend jessica who is like a little sister to me.
tuesday i start my first day of work at like 3 or something so i will go running before that. wed- on i dont know what i got going on. but i do know i will be running!!
so when i get back from the gym i will need to drink some water. and maybe eat some lunch. im thinking my veggie patty as like a hamburger with no bun deal. very low carbs. only 2 per patty. and cheese dont forget cheese lol
then for dinner i may have salmon, maybe ill make sushi for dinner i dont know.
but i do know is im glad i got back my inspiration again and all it took was a good pair of running shoes!
what i want from the day is a great workout. no competition. i want to meditate. and relax. i want to stay ontop of my controlled carb way of life and eating today... all day.
so far is so good and i feel much better about eating this way than with HCG. god that shit sucked!!.
500 calories and thats it!!
and no exercise that is not for me thank you very much. i enjoy eating and exercising. atkins challenges me to go without carbs. which is smart since it will make my blood sugar level good again. i remember how excited i was when i hit my 4th day on induction i had so much energy it was crazy i was in such an amazing mood too. like i didnt need anti depressants any longer!
it made me feel great because it was organic living. it was science i could see and feel. i love atkins. i love staying on induction. i think i strayed away from it because i was getting burned out on it. whoa man when i hit 180 ill be happy!! and thats like what? a month and a half. at least on atkins they tell you exercise is necessary and it is. on HCG they say no exercise. thats fucking stupid. i didnt get where i am without it. how could i think i couldnt and dont need it. PREPOSTEROUS!! you go through this sugar withdraw , then you get depressed because a) your not eating as much and eating makes us happy b) your not getting sugar.
so you become slumped and depressed. the exercise is supposed to get you to feel ok with all the chemical releasing of dopamine and seratonin. those neurotransmitters help with what you are missing. then you start becoming dependent on exercise which is not bad for you duh!!
its about noon now and im almost ready to hit the ground!! XD i love this time i get on my laptop, coffee and breakfast. i love starting the day like "hey, rock out with your cock out!!"
lol my biceps are looking amazing! yesterday i leg pressed quite a bit, when i was running i shocked my boyfriend :) made myself proud. finally something i can do better than him. it sucks but when i go with him to do anything he competes with me and i hate it. im not at all competitive. i do things because I WANT to. not because someone is behind me and will catch up and i got to make them look like a loser. thats what i think about competition. in his case he's like that because his cousin and his older brother were always competing with him and he hated looking like he couldnt do something. but the thing is he was younger than them. i see the things he has as a fuck you ha ha ha who's better now bitch type syndrome.
i was never like that. i was always oh fuck now im a loser, oh well wont be the first time. and my mom competing with me sucked. she would do it in strength "oh yeah you think your stronger than me??!!!" and then hit me. always putting me down for shit. never made me want to be a better person just made me bitter to her. with cassy it sucked because she was always the skinny one and into sports. well maybe not into them but she did better than me at running. she was the runner. and thinner, and prettier, and in basketball. i was in volley ball. which i was good at but i wanted to be physically built for the game. i think i want to get into volley ball again.
i dont know how cassy was a running and i hated it but now i love it. what drove her to do that?? perhaps i shall ask her.
i remember all the kids making fun of me for being fat. i was a minority in Los Angeles. well my family was. if i wasnt being called a fat ass by my classmates it was coming from my mom. my dad understood me. he told me he was always a big kid too and his mom constantly put him on diets. but it never worked.
and that i was always beautiful in his eyes. he was always really good about being there for me emotionally. thats what i loved about him. when my mom did something i could cry on his shoulder.
i run because of anger
i run because of hatred
i run because of fear
i run because of despise
i run because of animosity
i run because of turmoil
internal
i run because of contentment, bliss, beauty, and everything else i believe in that makes me happy
i run for me. NO ONE ELSE!!
i run to think and feel and love all at the same time. wow running makes me happy. i guess i should go run instead of talk about it. LOL TTYL
made a few phone calls, did some chores and ate breakfast.
olive oil 0
avocado- 2.4
eggs 3-1 .8
salsa- .5
fiber-1
bee pollen- .4
= 5.1
coffee and water too
i feel so full right now. that was quite a bit of food for breakfast!!
i made myself a mix for my ipod for my workout!
very excited!!!
i didnt weigh myself which is something big to me since i have been guilty of weighing myself up to 7 times a day. they are right when they say to weigh yourself at the same time each week because you may get discouraged.
what im hoping from this week is to run 5 out of the 7 days. and at least work out 6 of the 7 days. tomorrow i have a mary kay thing with cassy at ten or nine so i will be working out with her tomorrow.
swimming and gym. it will be nice.
then sunday we have a family get together perhaps i can go to the gym before.
then monday i have dinner with a close friend jessica who is like a little sister to me.
tuesday i start my first day of work at like 3 or something so i will go running before that. wed- on i dont know what i got going on. but i do know i will be running!!
so when i get back from the gym i will need to drink some water. and maybe eat some lunch. im thinking my veggie patty as like a hamburger with no bun deal. very low carbs. only 2 per patty. and cheese dont forget cheese lol
then for dinner i may have salmon, maybe ill make sushi for dinner i dont know.
but i do know is im glad i got back my inspiration again and all it took was a good pair of running shoes!
what i want from the day is a great workout. no competition. i want to meditate. and relax. i want to stay ontop of my controlled carb way of life and eating today... all day.
so far is so good and i feel much better about eating this way than with HCG. god that shit sucked!!.
500 calories and thats it!!
and no exercise that is not for me thank you very much. i enjoy eating and exercising. atkins challenges me to go without carbs. which is smart since it will make my blood sugar level good again. i remember how excited i was when i hit my 4th day on induction i had so much energy it was crazy i was in such an amazing mood too. like i didnt need anti depressants any longer!
it made me feel great because it was organic living. it was science i could see and feel. i love atkins. i love staying on induction. i think i strayed away from it because i was getting burned out on it. whoa man when i hit 180 ill be happy!! and thats like what? a month and a half. at least on atkins they tell you exercise is necessary and it is. on HCG they say no exercise. thats fucking stupid. i didnt get where i am without it. how could i think i couldnt and dont need it. PREPOSTEROUS!! you go through this sugar withdraw , then you get depressed because a) your not eating as much and eating makes us happy b) your not getting sugar.
so you become slumped and depressed. the exercise is supposed to get you to feel ok with all the chemical releasing of dopamine and seratonin. those neurotransmitters help with what you are missing. then you start becoming dependent on exercise which is not bad for you duh!!
its about noon now and im almost ready to hit the ground!! XD i love this time i get on my laptop, coffee and breakfast. i love starting the day like "hey, rock out with your cock out!!"
lol my biceps are looking amazing! yesterday i leg pressed quite a bit, when i was running i shocked my boyfriend :) made myself proud. finally something i can do better than him. it sucks but when i go with him to do anything he competes with me and i hate it. im not at all competitive. i do things because I WANT to. not because someone is behind me and will catch up and i got to make them look like a loser. thats what i think about competition. in his case he's like that because his cousin and his older brother were always competing with him and he hated looking like he couldnt do something. but the thing is he was younger than them. i see the things he has as a fuck you ha ha ha who's better now bitch type syndrome.
i was never like that. i was always oh fuck now im a loser, oh well wont be the first time. and my mom competing with me sucked. she would do it in strength "oh yeah you think your stronger than me??!!!" and then hit me. always putting me down for shit. never made me want to be a better person just made me bitter to her. with cassy it sucked because she was always the skinny one and into sports. well maybe not into them but she did better than me at running. she was the runner. and thinner, and prettier, and in basketball. i was in volley ball. which i was good at but i wanted to be physically built for the game. i think i want to get into volley ball again.
i dont know how cassy was a running and i hated it but now i love it. what drove her to do that?? perhaps i shall ask her.
i remember all the kids making fun of me for being fat. i was a minority in Los Angeles. well my family was. if i wasnt being called a fat ass by my classmates it was coming from my mom. my dad understood me. he told me he was always a big kid too and his mom constantly put him on diets. but it never worked.
and that i was always beautiful in his eyes. he was always really good about being there for me emotionally. thats what i loved about him. when my mom did something i could cry on his shoulder.
i run because of anger
i run because of hatred
i run because of fear
i run because of despise
i run because of animosity
i run because of turmoil
internal
i run because of contentment, bliss, beauty, and everything else i believe in that makes me happy
i run for me. NO ONE ELSE!!
i run to think and feel and love all at the same time. wow running makes me happy. i guess i should go run instead of talk about it. LOL TTYL
Thursday, August 19, 2010
70% part IV
went and worked out today with my boyfriend. i bought my first pair of pumas today. I LOVE MY RUNNING SHOES!! im curious about my weight right now brb.... ehhhh 202.5 i hate it.
today i felt great working out!! god its amazing. the rush i get running i love running!!
my shoes were amazing!! i promise i will not weigh myself for one week. i am going to do Atkins. I was trying HCG but it really made my stomach hurt and I believe what Dr. Atkins was talking about is so true. It's the best for me. I just got done buying a bunch of groceries.
salmon, fresh and patties a huge bag of veggies, lettuce, olive oil, eggs, cheese WHOOO HOOO im set!
so my veggie patties have about 2 net carbs per patty. so i can eat salmon which only has around ohhh 0!!
daily eating should look equivalent to this:
breakfast:
bee pollen 1 capsules: .5
fiber too
3 eggs cooked with olive oil, and salsa 1/2 avocado with coffee.
= 4.9 net carbs
snack:
cheese slice
=1
lunch:
boca burger with cheese and ice burg lettuce/ no bun, broccoli and cheese
= 3.2
Dinner:
salmon patty with veggies / broccoli
= 1.7
total carb is only 13.5
i have a crap ton of fish and veggie patties i will be drinking lots of water!! net carbs are
carbs- fiber= net carbs.
so i want to run 1 1/2 miles tomorrow and do weights as well. then i'd like to sit in the sauna and meditate.
i need to pay my credit card off so i wont have that over my head. i start work next week and sunday i've got plans with my family for a boat outing.
i need to get water tomorrow/
i love green tea its so great!!
right now i feel tired but thats good!! i will wake up at a reasonable hour make breakfast do some chores around the house. i need to clean out my car make a phone call to my credit card place and pay them off. then laundry and kitchen clean up. I bought apatrim so it should be here soon. i bought it so i wont have cravings for food. good investment we'll see i have heard great things about it. and the reason i never really work ok on atkins is because i get cravings so badly.
SO WEIGHT: 202.5
next weigh in is next thursday on the 26th. on atkins your supposed to lose about 8-15 lbs on the first 2 weeks. and i will be working out. last time i did induction i only lost about 8 lbs. so im going to hope for 5 lbs.
so i hope to weigh 197. i will shoot for that.
maybe i should write my goals down :)
this is my favorite part.
GOAL 1: 197
GOAL 2: 192
GOAL 3: 190
GOAL 4: 188
GOAL 5: 186
GOAL 6: 184
GOAL 7: 182
GOAL 8: 180
GOAL 9: 178
GOAL 10: 176
GOAL 11: 174
GOAL 12: 172
GOAL 13: 170
GOAL 14: 168
GOAL 15: 166
GOAL 16: 164
GOAL 17: 162
GOAL 18: 160
GOAL 19: 158
GOAL 20: 156
GOAL 21: 154
GOAL 22: 153
total months to achieve main goal: 5 months
wow. i will give myself 5 months to hit my goal.
we'll see how this plays out. again i need to keep remembering slowly but surely sarah you will get there.
now i am motivated. i got my bee pollen. my shoes my membership for my gym, my outfit and the food i need.
XD im a winner!!! wish me luck!!!
today i felt great working out!! god its amazing. the rush i get running i love running!!
my shoes were amazing!! i promise i will not weigh myself for one week. i am going to do Atkins. I was trying HCG but it really made my stomach hurt and I believe what Dr. Atkins was talking about is so true. It's the best for me. I just got done buying a bunch of groceries.
salmon, fresh and patties a huge bag of veggies, lettuce, olive oil, eggs, cheese WHOOO HOOO im set!
so my veggie patties have about 2 net carbs per patty. so i can eat salmon which only has around ohhh 0!!
daily eating should look equivalent to this:
breakfast:
bee pollen 1 capsules: .5
fiber too
3 eggs cooked with olive oil, and salsa 1/2 avocado with coffee.
= 4.9 net carbs
snack:
cheese slice
=1
lunch:
boca burger with cheese and ice burg lettuce/ no bun, broccoli and cheese
= 3.2
Dinner:
salmon patty with veggies / broccoli
= 1.7
total carb is only 13.5
i have a crap ton of fish and veggie patties i will be drinking lots of water!! net carbs are
carbs- fiber= net carbs.
so i want to run 1 1/2 miles tomorrow and do weights as well. then i'd like to sit in the sauna and meditate.
i need to pay my credit card off so i wont have that over my head. i start work next week and sunday i've got plans with my family for a boat outing.
i need to get water tomorrow/
i love green tea its so great!!
right now i feel tired but thats good!! i will wake up at a reasonable hour make breakfast do some chores around the house. i need to clean out my car make a phone call to my credit card place and pay them off. then laundry and kitchen clean up. I bought apatrim so it should be here soon. i bought it so i wont have cravings for food. good investment we'll see i have heard great things about it. and the reason i never really work ok on atkins is because i get cravings so badly.
SO WEIGHT: 202.5
next weigh in is next thursday on the 26th. on atkins your supposed to lose about 8-15 lbs on the first 2 weeks. and i will be working out. last time i did induction i only lost about 8 lbs. so im going to hope for 5 lbs.
so i hope to weigh 197. i will shoot for that.
maybe i should write my goals down :)
this is my favorite part.
GOAL 1: 197
GOAL 2: 192
GOAL 3: 190
GOAL 4: 188
GOAL 5: 186
GOAL 6: 184
GOAL 7: 182
GOAL 8: 180
GOAL 9: 178
GOAL 10: 176
GOAL 11: 174
GOAL 12: 172
GOAL 13: 170
GOAL 14: 168
GOAL 15: 166
GOAL 16: 164
GOAL 17: 162
GOAL 18: 160
GOAL 19: 158
GOAL 20: 156
GOAL 21: 154
GOAL 22: 153
total months to achieve main goal: 5 months
wow. i will give myself 5 months to hit my goal.
we'll see how this plays out. again i need to keep remembering slowly but surely sarah you will get there.
now i am motivated. i got my bee pollen. my shoes my membership for my gym, my outfit and the food i need.
XD im a winner!!! wish me luck!!!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
70% part III
EMOTIONAL EATER HERE LADIES AND GENTS!!!
god i hate that. these last couple of days have been stressful in the sense that my grandpa is in town and my mom and dad want to move to texas. my little sister wants them to stay here and is not ready for the change. she is really sad about it. i lost one pound 199. which is great but when someone mentioned taco bell i was all over that like a freggin' fly in cold cereal. then after that i wanted more!! i wanted french fries from mcdonalds!
arrrgg so i ate them. then this morning i had some horrific stomach pains. constipation is a bitch. drank some coffee took my first dosie of drops and now in about 6 minutes i am going to drink a crap load of water. then im headed to buy my shoes for running today. i also need to pay my gym membership. i hate feeling like if i owe money i cant go. like the library if i owe them money i dont go. LOL. if i pay my gym and get my new pass then i wont be like oh i cant go work out geez. thats another excuse. i really am not interested in running on pavement until i lose more weight. so today is the 18th which means two weeks until the first. 14 days. and i can lose 14 lbs. but the thing is im 199 so that will put me at only 185. you know thats ok. i bought apatrim on ebay the other day i want to try that out now. im downloading a bunch of music for my itunes so i can have amazing music for my work out. i owe my gym 300 bucks HA HA HA i need to stop doing shit like that. i need to be responsible. i got a job at costco so i have steady income. i start on the 25th.
i just bought some clothes and i bought some that are pretty tight so i can just wear them for a few sizes. and i am going to just take my pants in to get resized.
i need to quit smoking too. my foo fighters is almost done downloading shiat yeah!!!!
god i hate that. these last couple of days have been stressful in the sense that my grandpa is in town and my mom and dad want to move to texas. my little sister wants them to stay here and is not ready for the change. she is really sad about it. i lost one pound 199. which is great but when someone mentioned taco bell i was all over that like a freggin' fly in cold cereal. then after that i wanted more!! i wanted french fries from mcdonalds!
arrrgg so i ate them. then this morning i had some horrific stomach pains. constipation is a bitch. drank some coffee took my first dosie of drops and now in about 6 minutes i am going to drink a crap load of water. then im headed to buy my shoes for running today. i also need to pay my gym membership. i hate feeling like if i owe money i cant go. like the library if i owe them money i dont go. LOL. if i pay my gym and get my new pass then i wont be like oh i cant go work out geez. thats another excuse. i really am not interested in running on pavement until i lose more weight. so today is the 18th which means two weeks until the first. 14 days. and i can lose 14 lbs. but the thing is im 199 so that will put me at only 185. you know thats ok. i bought apatrim on ebay the other day i want to try that out now. im downloading a bunch of music for my itunes so i can have amazing music for my work out. i owe my gym 300 bucks HA HA HA i need to stop doing shit like that. i need to be responsible. i got a job at costco so i have steady income. i start on the 25th.
i just bought some clothes and i bought some that are pretty tight so i can just wear them for a few sizes. and i am going to just take my pants in to get resized.
i need to quit smoking too. my foo fighters is almost done downloading shiat yeah!!!!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
70% prt. II
so i got online today. downloading music and all i want to do is run. i want my running shoes and i want to hit that road.
some people dont understand what its like to run. i hated it i always did.
for some reason i knew it was the best way to lose weight.
stress reliever!!
i love feeling that adrenalin rush. how far can i go, how much can i push!
today is great woke up played on my new laptop. weighed myself 200 lbs.
im usually around that 195 mark. since doing hcg i have been losing the 1 lb a day.
whenever any one asks me if i want to go out to dinner i usually respond YEAH!
i have a problem with eating out so bad!! i hate it. i love it. because i think i can eat whatever i want to. i shouldnt but i do. im like ooo lets eat out and then i will be good. nope. i eat out and im like ok lets start the diet tomorrow. i hate it because the next day im like i could have been one pound down.
my family is causing me some heart ache today. my grandpa is in town and i wanted to run a marathon in my grandma's honor since she just passed away 5 months ago from lung cancer.
i still plan to do it i want to lose weight to do it.
i feel like by not losing weight i am cheating her out. and myself and grandpa and my family. i need to lose this weight i have come so far! 80 lbs is a lot of weight but i still dont see it that way. i see it like it was no big deal. partly because people are making it a big deal and i wanted that in the begining. I really loved it when i would see someone and they looked at me like holy shit! that girl got skinny!!
my sister calls me skinny. i hate it because now she is thicker and she gets down on herself about it and i think she is still gorgeous. she is always got a wonderful glow to her.
for myself i have noticed that women that see me especially my friends who are married really get down about themselves being big when i come around.
they say mean things about themselves. i hate feeling like im the one to have caused those thoughts going through their minds.
i love them all. i did it for me.
i actually felt bad when i lived with my ex a short while ago, i felt bad because he was shorter than i and i felt like i needed to be smaller than my significant other. so i lost weight to keep him. then it ended up being that i needed to lose it for me.
so i started doing it for me because i noticed no one will get credit for this but me!
after a while i was losing lots of weight he started getting really self concious about his own weight.
so he would really bash himself about it. it was irritating because he would get really angry about the whole thing.
then he wouldn't touch me and im like is it because im not fat anymore?
i actually talked to my friend amber about it. (my weight loss inspiration) she said dont do that! its for your health!! your doing it for you!!!
she was so right.
i kept on trucking. then sooner or later he would get mad at me for taking the car to go work out. he was trying to stunt my growth. leech.
any way im going to go and do my day.
some people dont understand what its like to run. i hated it i always did.
for some reason i knew it was the best way to lose weight.
stress reliever!!
i love feeling that adrenalin rush. how far can i go, how much can i push!
today is great woke up played on my new laptop. weighed myself 200 lbs.
im usually around that 195 mark. since doing hcg i have been losing the 1 lb a day.
whenever any one asks me if i want to go out to dinner i usually respond YEAH!
i have a problem with eating out so bad!! i hate it. i love it. because i think i can eat whatever i want to. i shouldnt but i do. im like ooo lets eat out and then i will be good. nope. i eat out and im like ok lets start the diet tomorrow. i hate it because the next day im like i could have been one pound down.
my family is causing me some heart ache today. my grandpa is in town and i wanted to run a marathon in my grandma's honor since she just passed away 5 months ago from lung cancer.
i still plan to do it i want to lose weight to do it.
i feel like by not losing weight i am cheating her out. and myself and grandpa and my family. i need to lose this weight i have come so far! 80 lbs is a lot of weight but i still dont see it that way. i see it like it was no big deal. partly because people are making it a big deal and i wanted that in the begining. I really loved it when i would see someone and they looked at me like holy shit! that girl got skinny!!
my sister calls me skinny. i hate it because now she is thicker and she gets down on herself about it and i think she is still gorgeous. she is always got a wonderful glow to her.
for myself i have noticed that women that see me especially my friends who are married really get down about themselves being big when i come around.
they say mean things about themselves. i hate feeling like im the one to have caused those thoughts going through their minds.
i love them all. i did it for me.
i actually felt bad when i lived with my ex a short while ago, i felt bad because he was shorter than i and i felt like i needed to be smaller than my significant other. so i lost weight to keep him. then it ended up being that i needed to lose it for me.
so i started doing it for me because i noticed no one will get credit for this but me!
after a while i was losing lots of weight he started getting really self concious about his own weight.
so he would really bash himself about it. it was irritating because he would get really angry about the whole thing.
then he wouldn't touch me and im like is it because im not fat anymore?
i actually talked to my friend amber about it. (my weight loss inspiration) she said dont do that! its for your health!! your doing it for you!!!
she was so right.
i kept on trucking. then sooner or later he would get mad at me for taking the car to go work out. he was trying to stunt my growth. leech.
any way im going to go and do my day.
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