cant afford lots of things right now and diet food is one of them. i want to do atkins today.
eggs
tuna
shrimp
veggies
i need to eat more protein.
i am drinking my coffee and water. yesterday fell off wagon because i had to return my car and i was sad.
i have a friend who is helping me buy a car.
so back to the drawing board- car
-fitness
- school
-work
i want to be busy
i miss it
im scared that when i do get a job dustin will kick me out without mercy.
but theres trust issues again!
anyway
blizzard today
goal today is to eat atkins friendly all day
do chores
no way am i going out today
heaviest
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
another new beginning
so im starting out again. again. again. not so fun because i look at all the time i wasted and i could have been doing something.
NO RUNNING=SARAH SAD
i shut every one out. my aunt, my friends, my boyfriend everyone. i hate it. i dont know what my problem is. i dont know why i do it. so i looked it up just now. and not to my surprise;
Anyone who has experienced a dramatic form of loss, especially repeated times, is more likely to withhold from showing their true selves to people. Its a defense mechanism to protect your emotions. Obviously if you have been hurt a few times or disappointed by people, you will be less likely to open up in order to prevent those feelings from happening again. I believe this is a perfectly normal reaction to pain and loss; however, it can become unhealthy if it gets to a point that no matter what you are withholding and it prevents you from being able to esetablish a deep connection with someone who truly wants that connection with you.
Obviously opening up to someone else makes you more vulnerable and most people do not like to feel vulnerable to another; however, its building that trust that allows you to be vulnerable with certain people.
So, I'd look back and try to pinpoint the different lossed relationships that may have caused your current situation and just assess them for what they are and move forward. It is human nature to apply previous experience to current situations to attempt to assess the outcome but you must also be able to identify when, sometimes, those past experiences really do not apply for whatever reason.
Good luck
people who have disappointed me, let me down, left me, abandoned me, and hurt me it's a pretty huge list
I never really fought these people i usually just let them take over.
i had a really good friend named crystal. she and i were best friends and i loved her like a sister. I got in the middle of her and her girlfriend beating her. I always wanted to be like her. I never knew how to live like a grown up. All i ever knew was that i had to live and take care of cassy and david. i had so much responsibility as a kid that when i finally got my chance to have my own freedom i abused it like a mother fucker. I feel like i did that when i first moved out. i expected way too much of other people to help take care of me because my parents never did. and that wasnt fair of me. i need to take care of me. i have been like that most of my adult life. i look for love not because i want to show someone love in return (well not completely) i want it because i know it was something i never really felt as a kid. and then by looking at this i see that i make demands on those i love ( not knowingly)
like dustin for example, i feel that i look to him for love. which is healthy. but the way i do it is much more like im looking for someone to take care of me. not to love me. it all makes some sense in this head of mine.
im looking for people to take care of me. if i love myself i wont be looking for other people to love me i will have all the love i need within myself. i find myself battling my mind, should i say i love you to him today? just because i wanna hear it back??? and that puts stress on him!
like he needs to keep affirming it to me constantly. it will make the words less meaningful. like bless you after a sneeze.
what im trying to get at is, im still looking for someone to take care of me. even after all this time of self healing and progress i still am being a leach so to speak.
i have to be the one who takes care of myself and i need to stop burdening people with another person to take care of. i wrote my old friend crystal an apology letter. i let her know i was sorry for being that burden to her. i told her i was sorry for pretty much not picking up my end. and having her take care of me and i know that it must have created stress in her relationship and i partly blame myself. no finger pointing no wanting anything from her. just a simple apology.
i also apologized to a girl who i wronged back in the 3erd grade. i stole a wallet from her and some running medals too. i have felt bad ever since. so she found me on facebook and i wrote her telling her i was so sorry for what i did. i also called my friend jessica and apologized to her too. i also contacted my ex from colorado and apologized to him for using him.
i should probably let you all know that i lived with him for 2 months. i used him and his money and i felt really bad about doing it. i was very depressed and i made him believe we were in a relationship so i could have a place to live and stay. i tried apologizing to him but all he says is he loves me and its ok. but i know he doesnt get it. i fucked him over. took his money and left for ca. i also stole a bunch of food for the house and things from the mall. i stole a lot of things. probably easily 5,000$ worth of things.
i had to leave utah other wise i'd be homeless. but whose fault was that???? no one's but my own.
so this is what i will be thinking about on my run.
talk to you later
NO RUNNING=SARAH SAD
i shut every one out. my aunt, my friends, my boyfriend everyone. i hate it. i dont know what my problem is. i dont know why i do it. so i looked it up just now. and not to my surprise;
Anyone who has experienced a dramatic form of loss, especially repeated times, is more likely to withhold from showing their true selves to people. Its a defense mechanism to protect your emotions. Obviously if you have been hurt a few times or disappointed by people, you will be less likely to open up in order to prevent those feelings from happening again. I believe this is a perfectly normal reaction to pain and loss; however, it can become unhealthy if it gets to a point that no matter what you are withholding and it prevents you from being able to esetablish a deep connection with someone who truly wants that connection with you.
Obviously opening up to someone else makes you more vulnerable and most people do not like to feel vulnerable to another; however, its building that trust that allows you to be vulnerable with certain people.
So, I'd look back and try to pinpoint the different lossed relationships that may have caused your current situation and just assess them for what they are and move forward. It is human nature to apply previous experience to current situations to attempt to assess the outcome but you must also be able to identify when, sometimes, those past experiences really do not apply for whatever reason.
Good luck
people who have disappointed me, let me down, left me, abandoned me, and hurt me it's a pretty huge list
I never really fought these people i usually just let them take over.
i had a really good friend named crystal. she and i were best friends and i loved her like a sister. I got in the middle of her and her girlfriend beating her. I always wanted to be like her. I never knew how to live like a grown up. All i ever knew was that i had to live and take care of cassy and david. i had so much responsibility as a kid that when i finally got my chance to have my own freedom i abused it like a mother fucker. I feel like i did that when i first moved out. i expected way too much of other people to help take care of me because my parents never did. and that wasnt fair of me. i need to take care of me. i have been like that most of my adult life. i look for love not because i want to show someone love in return (well not completely) i want it because i know it was something i never really felt as a kid. and then by looking at this i see that i make demands on those i love ( not knowingly)
like dustin for example, i feel that i look to him for love. which is healthy. but the way i do it is much more like im looking for someone to take care of me. not to love me. it all makes some sense in this head of mine.
im looking for people to take care of me. if i love myself i wont be looking for other people to love me i will have all the love i need within myself. i find myself battling my mind, should i say i love you to him today? just because i wanna hear it back??? and that puts stress on him!
like he needs to keep affirming it to me constantly. it will make the words less meaningful. like bless you after a sneeze.
what im trying to get at is, im still looking for someone to take care of me. even after all this time of self healing and progress i still am being a leach so to speak.
i have to be the one who takes care of myself and i need to stop burdening people with another person to take care of. i wrote my old friend crystal an apology letter. i let her know i was sorry for being that burden to her. i told her i was sorry for pretty much not picking up my end. and having her take care of me and i know that it must have created stress in her relationship and i partly blame myself. no finger pointing no wanting anything from her. just a simple apology.
i also apologized to a girl who i wronged back in the 3erd grade. i stole a wallet from her and some running medals too. i have felt bad ever since. so she found me on facebook and i wrote her telling her i was so sorry for what i did. i also called my friend jessica and apologized to her too. i also contacted my ex from colorado and apologized to him for using him.
i should probably let you all know that i lived with him for 2 months. i used him and his money and i felt really bad about doing it. i was very depressed and i made him believe we were in a relationship so i could have a place to live and stay. i tried apologizing to him but all he says is he loves me and its ok. but i know he doesnt get it. i fucked him over. took his money and left for ca. i also stole a bunch of food for the house and things from the mall. i stole a lot of things. probably easily 5,000$ worth of things.
i had to leave utah other wise i'd be homeless. but whose fault was that???? no one's but my own.
so this is what i will be thinking about on my run.
talk to you later
Monday, November 15, 2010
here i go again.
i do this stupid thing where i stall on atkins at around 194 and i think mixing it up will save me. nope. i've been carbing for a few months no running. :( it makes me sad. so i got depressed. i am at 203 right now. that is depressing. im going to start atkins today. i loved how amazing i felt from running i always had this euphoria. i am going through some problems right now. and i feel that running will save me.
dustin went on a lunch date with his ex girlfriend. it really fucked with my head. did he pay for it? did he miss her? did they kiss? did they talk about me? did he tell her he loved her? does he even love me still? then to dull the questions i decided not to worry about it. when he got home he asked if i had any questions for him. he said he found it odd that i didn't ask him anything about it. i told him that i felt like it was personal business and it was his private business and it has nothing to do with me. I told him though that it made me feel very uncomfortable that he went. and even when he told me, i told him it made me feel like he would cheat on me. only, i knew he wouldn't it was just a fear. i was having sex with him last night and i felt like i was huge. too big to be on top. when i take off my clothes i feel so ugly. i hate my apron (thanks amber for the wording). an apron is a flap of skin that hangs off the stomach. in the medical field we call this a panis. This is piece of skin that is removed from a person during a tummy tuck procedure. I have a complex with this weight loss thing. I lose weight. then i gain it back. any where from 5-15 lbs of weight. i have researched this and it is more detrimental to your health than being over weight.
Im having depression issues. i am now aware, NO RUNNING= SAD SARAH
NO RUNNING= NO PROGRESSION IN ANY MATTERS OF LIFE
NO RUNNING = NO LIFE.
running is definitely my forte. I was explaining to dustin one night when he felt like he was going to hurl, " take a deep breath, feel that fresh out side air, feel how cool and crisp it is in your lungs. that is why i love to run, its all purity in my body."
then he told me how good i was at calming him down. he tells me he loves me. he is constantly texting though. it worries me because i feel like he is excluding me from conversations. i notice he has been watching porn too. which doesnt help my feeling insecurities. but why is it that i have to rely on him to make me feel good about myself. its not his responsibility. im responsible for my own happiness. he is a product of it. if im not happy he wont be. after a week of running i always feel so good. my body gets toned. weight decreases. mood is better. mind is better. i sometimes will crave running 2x a day. now im worried that if im gone from the house too much that will give dustin time to fuck around. im scared he will cheat on me. so i know i need to have faith in us. i need to have faith in myself as well. if i dont have that confidence in myself to know im a good person and im beautiful then im going to fuck up my relationship. i want to quit smoking. i want to start running. im changing my goal weight to 180. im changing it to that because i believe i need a small goal. right now i need to lose a total of exactly 50 lbs. its the holiday season now. and its the middle of november. i know that in 1 .5 months i can have lost 15 lbs. i know that if i take a break from running i will want to take a break from my dieting.
my anxiety is so bad lately i dont even pick up the phone. its gotten so out of control. i have never seen it this bad. even right now its bad. i actually forced myself to write. my hands are clammy. my breathing is shallow. i know my arm pits are sweaty.
I had a girlfriend who really let me down. i posted something on my face book. i miss her. but i know i cant really be her friend. my theory on girl friendships are the best ones dont know your other friends. so they cant gossip behind your back. i feel that when given the opportunity females will do it. its a fucked up thought. i trust that a few people will talk about me negatively behind my back. well choose lauretta as an example. she and i have known each other since i was transporting in mission viejo. so that is about 5-6 years. most of our relationship has been over the phone. i trust her with information because i know she is mature enough to handle what i have to say to her. and i am hoping she trusts me because i have proven i can be trusted. relationships are hard. weather you are a girl with girlfriends or your married, they are hard and you need to work on them. like little plants. water, music, love, food. ha ha ha
so im hoping for a better time. i want to weight 180. i want to be happy and i want to run.
dustin went on a lunch date with his ex girlfriend. it really fucked with my head. did he pay for it? did he miss her? did they kiss? did they talk about me? did he tell her he loved her? does he even love me still? then to dull the questions i decided not to worry about it. when he got home he asked if i had any questions for him. he said he found it odd that i didn't ask him anything about it. i told him that i felt like it was personal business and it was his private business and it has nothing to do with me. I told him though that it made me feel very uncomfortable that he went. and even when he told me, i told him it made me feel like he would cheat on me. only, i knew he wouldn't it was just a fear. i was having sex with him last night and i felt like i was huge. too big to be on top. when i take off my clothes i feel so ugly. i hate my apron (thanks amber for the wording). an apron is a flap of skin that hangs off the stomach. in the medical field we call this a panis. This is piece of skin that is removed from a person during a tummy tuck procedure. I have a complex with this weight loss thing. I lose weight. then i gain it back. any where from 5-15 lbs of weight. i have researched this and it is more detrimental to your health than being over weight.
Im having depression issues. i am now aware, NO RUNNING= SAD SARAH
NO RUNNING= NO PROGRESSION IN ANY MATTERS OF LIFE
NO RUNNING = NO LIFE.
running is definitely my forte. I was explaining to dustin one night when he felt like he was going to hurl, " take a deep breath, feel that fresh out side air, feel how cool and crisp it is in your lungs. that is why i love to run, its all purity in my body."
then he told me how good i was at calming him down. he tells me he loves me. he is constantly texting though. it worries me because i feel like he is excluding me from conversations. i notice he has been watching porn too. which doesnt help my feeling insecurities. but why is it that i have to rely on him to make me feel good about myself. its not his responsibility. im responsible for my own happiness. he is a product of it. if im not happy he wont be. after a week of running i always feel so good. my body gets toned. weight decreases. mood is better. mind is better. i sometimes will crave running 2x a day. now im worried that if im gone from the house too much that will give dustin time to fuck around. im scared he will cheat on me. so i know i need to have faith in us. i need to have faith in myself as well. if i dont have that confidence in myself to know im a good person and im beautiful then im going to fuck up my relationship. i want to quit smoking. i want to start running. im changing my goal weight to 180. im changing it to that because i believe i need a small goal. right now i need to lose a total of exactly 50 lbs. its the holiday season now. and its the middle of november. i know that in 1 .5 months i can have lost 15 lbs. i know that if i take a break from running i will want to take a break from my dieting.
my anxiety is so bad lately i dont even pick up the phone. its gotten so out of control. i have never seen it this bad. even right now its bad. i actually forced myself to write. my hands are clammy. my breathing is shallow. i know my arm pits are sweaty.
I had a girlfriend who really let me down. i posted something on my face book. i miss her. but i know i cant really be her friend. my theory on girl friendships are the best ones dont know your other friends. so they cant gossip behind your back. i feel that when given the opportunity females will do it. its a fucked up thought. i trust that a few people will talk about me negatively behind my back. well choose lauretta as an example. she and i have known each other since i was transporting in mission viejo. so that is about 5-6 years. most of our relationship has been over the phone. i trust her with information because i know she is mature enough to handle what i have to say to her. and i am hoping she trusts me because i have proven i can be trusted. relationships are hard. weather you are a girl with girlfriends or your married, they are hard and you need to work on them. like little plants. water, music, love, food. ha ha ha
so im hoping for a better time. i want to weight 180. i want to be happy and i want to run.
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