so its 9am... ok really let this be the day 1

I had such a bizarre dream last night. I was going through a library that had books which were alive. I was the book master or some fucking shit. I was going through these books and they were all talking at me or moving or opening by themselves. I looked up the dream and it said that to dream of books/library it means that I am looking for or already have gained knowledge. eh, I say it was a fucky dream.
Last night I was just thinking to myself, "would I be more outgoing if I thought I was sexier?"
I dont know but I really kind of think that men wouldn't mind getting married to someone who is skinny.
garf!!!! So today I need to weigh in. And I need to mentally prepare myself for what is coming. I may have gained, however I feel as if I haven't. I feel lighter. I look at my hands and they suggest I haven't gained either.
so i know i wrote yesterday that i cheated and today i will start fresh. i cheat eat for a reason called stress i believe. well last night was different i was feeling starved. I need to get those yam noodles those helped me a  lot when i was doing this. duh, should'a known. ha h ahhahahha. any way here i go to weigh in :(

um.... i have actually lost weight. WHAT THE FUCKEN HEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

i went from 197.7 to losing .7 lbs on an extra load day. oh man.
i am just going to say my goal weight is 180 because i dont think i am really getting to 153.
i fear i may be getting too used to hcg. im going to see where this hcg takes me in one week.
like i did last time.
right now i feel hungry and i feel ok. i am not complaining about being 197. i am surprised. very surprised. i was expecting a weight gain not loss. i need to read back on this one lady who did hcg and still lost when she ate what ever she wanted to.

gerrrrr

just cheated. ::smacks hand:: bad me. tomorrow i will be successful. it made me sick after i cheated. the food was nasty. i see things that make me think i am losing. were just going to consider all these days load days and monday will be nice to be able to look at when i started. i need a job. i need to finish school i need to lose weight. at least one thing i can control right now is the weight loss part!!!
i need more support i think. i think i will walk tomorrow for like 20 minutes. give myself some exercise and get out of the house. we'll see. i know i will have a big blog up tomorrow. ha ha ha oh i know amber is the only one who reads these but hell its helping 2 people. :)

oh back again. hcg p1 d1

so today is the 15th. and i didnt really gain a whole lot when i quit hcg. when i quit i got up to 196 which is a fucking usual for me. so i had 3 loading days both yesterday and the day before. so today is the legit day. im going to drink my coffee and then go weigh myself. my friend amber got on board too which is nice and funny at the same time. I was somewhat ashamed of trying hcg again after all the talk about how i wont do it again. well i got some 5htp and im hoping that will help me with the depression part of it. im having some emotional problems in regards to my body again. this time dustins mom made it evident that she is still friends with jessica. from what i know of jessica and marilyn, jessica is manipulative and so is marilyn. i dont think that marilyn likes me any more and that she is only friends with jessica to make me feel like shit. so now i feel like i have to work 2x as hard to be a better girl friend and kind of prove to her that im better than that whore. then i think i dont fucking care. and when i say that i feel like if i think that and just do my part around the house and look better than jessica and get skinny they'll see that im good for dustin. the shit part of it is i usually dont care but his family has no respect for him and no respect for me either. thats why marilyn is friends with jessica now. kind of like throwing it in my face. like you dont have my friendship but dustins ex does! ha!! the other day -this is what slapped me in the face, maybe 2 weeks ago we went to see dustins grandma at her grave site and dustins mom was asking dustin about his friend cory. well his mom kind of over stepped her boundries i think. she kept asking personal details and said she found out certain things through another person. so clearly jessica and marilyn talk shit to eachother all the time. then she asked dustin well wasnt that girl he was with that cute small girl??  emphasis on SMALL. right in front of me. fucking woman has no respect. so now i bet she is talking shit about me to his ex and i have no idea who she is. so after that, after hearing that shit im thinking i dont want to give this bitch any more shit to spread about me or dustin. fuck. dustin got a job interview on monday and he is pretty certain he got it. im happy for him. as soon as he starts making money he will be happier. so his mom can stop bitching at him for that. then the house issue he doesnt really want his mom apart of either and i dont blame him because she fucking talks to the ex WHO JUST GOT UP AND LEFT HIM ONE DAY OUT OF THE BLUE!?!!?!?!! so why would, if you were a good mother do that?? its full on bull shit to me. fucking whore. they both are. there are some things about dustin i dont like. but i love him and im sure there are things about me he doesnt like. well i dont like that he thinks he needs to be fucking right all the time. i dont like that he doesnt demand respect from his parents. and i dont like that he lets his family just walk all over him. i dont like some things but other things i love and i can look past those things. so i got on the scale, even with my load days i am at 196.1 lbs!!!?!?!?!??? wow and i fucking ate A SHIT TON OF FOOD!!!!!!!!!! LIKE A SHIT TON i ate a burrito last night and a three layer quesadilla last night with salsa and rice i made myself. fucken hell i cant believe i didnt gain anything. well im fucking fine with that. lets do my favorite part of dieting- THE WISHING HA HA HA

i havent weighed in this morning. im not sure if i even gained anything. i ate a lot of fat yesterday. ive been loading on vegan burgers cooked in oil, we went to pei wei yesterday and i got sweet and sour shrimp with white rice and added extra hot chilli oil on my rice. my friend convinced me to do another load day. i dont know if i can handle it. im losing days until this party to look my very best. 15 lbs.?? seems like a dream come true if you ask me. i am worried that i will just stay at this weight forever. like this is the weight im supposed to stay at. i dont think so. im sick of my fat ass. LOL we took pictures yesterday thanks to my sister and i looked rolly. i had rolls on my stomach, i didnt like how my face looked. like i have so much surface area on my face and i hate that. ok so im at 197.7
today is october 16th. and i weigh 197.7
if i lost 4 lbs by tomorrow. i will be at 193. if i lost 4 more pounds after that i will be at 189.
i just really want to see i 180's again. im trying to watch the biggest loser. that show has given me so much inspiration to lose weight. i love it.
im watching it right now season 10 episode 1 and they are talking about how now for the first time since the cival war life expectancy is lowered because of obesity. what the hell are we doing to  our selves. Are we that selfish that we cant control what we eat?? im one of those as well. Im considered over weight right now, but i was obese category II. Im not flaunting this it just makes me well aware that i should be thin and healthy

for fucks sake

Oh OKAY am I the only one who is sick and tired of trying and trying to lose weight and getting no where?        People will tell me all the time, "you look good already you don't need to lose weight." FUCK YOU I DONT NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. HA!! YOU GO AND TRY TELLING SOCIETY I LOOK OK, THEN FIGHT FOR IT LIKE I HAVE AND OTHER FRIENDS I HAVE, HAVE TRIED. 199.9 today. 
I fucking am so tired. I am so tired of trying to lose weight. and howie day is not helping my writing situation any at all. ha ha ha. 
I am doing atkins day one today. A'ok so dropkick murphys are rocking right now. god i do not want to do anything. i will probably come home and clean house. uggg god i dont want to do anything. my cramps are beating me down. i was supposed to go to a meeting today. yeah didnt go. it was mandatory. fuck im so sick and tired of working too. i just wish i could be lazy and smoke pot all day. those days were fun.
yikes so i started eating carbs this weekend and me and dustin have been doing good. its all in my fucking attitude. when i started on hcg i could tell i was fucking unhappy and getting depressed so fucking bad. i hated that. urrrrggg!!
i was getting so fucking angry. why!!?! i felt like i was turning into his ex. then i was starting to think why are we even together.
im going to start doing tarot card readings on the side so i can get some extra cash. i need to start building clients. ooooo social distortion. its 10:04 and im sitting here typing. im fucking tired and cramping and i have to go to some lady's home to clean her house. i love seeing her but i really am not in the mood to go. fuck me i feel like shit. well here i go again. fuck me i am sticking to atkins its the best thing for me.!!! <3 wish me luck on this road.

Poem-

A Ride Called Fat

You see her sitting there behind that one stare,
angry and tourmented in a wheel chair.
Or is it him whome sitting behind the computer screen,
sad and depressed without his ice cream.
Could it be that fellow with his mellow yellow,
Like all of these women here and their hips of jell-o.
Insulin dependence is a must,
in sugar filled snacks and trans fats we trust.
Corruption takes her place in our fridge and freezer,
Only now there is one pleaser.
Maybe its that guy in the walmart,
oh boy, where would i start.
the man whose shirt fits too small,
or the ass of the woman who matches a ball?
Over sized appetites,
it is their right.
A super sized dream come true,
$4.99 for a real meal value.
they dont control their urges,
thier wastline splurges.
that kid with his non home cooked meal,
only understands that "home cooked" is a mcdonalds deal.
oversized and repressed,
over stuffed and depressed.
no more sex apeal,
now, just jealously reveal.
change your lives before its too late,
or face your demise and the end of your fate.

blah blah blah

so im just not feeling great lately. my friend jessica tells me that my ex juan, cheated on the girl he cheated on me with, and got another girl pregnant. i have half the mind to write him an email explaining how his actions are fucking dumb. it would go like this:

dear fag,
i know its been a long time coming since you wrote me, but hey what a better time to than now. here is a list of congratulations for knocking up some other dumb whore. congratulations!! your a fucking father. oh, speaking of fathers HA surprise!!! YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER!!!!

forgetting you daily :)


i dont have any fucking sympathy for people who like to play the victims. its ridiculous. especially now since were going to a grave site for dustins grandma and i know for a fact that dustins mom marilyn and nick and totally going to over play the situation. not looking forward to it. i think i want french toast for breakfast today.  this shit is lame. i hate people ha ha ha. im going to be doing this side job for a company called primerica. they help families invest extra money they already had and move it to a place where they can actually make money off it. i need some music so i can get over this awful wake up call. mika "big girls are beautiful" drinking my coffee with caramel and whip cream i made myself.
my mother got a letter from her mother talking about how its my moms fault. so im going to call barbara and tell her. you know what? its really nice to know that you are laying a guilt trip on my mom so hard core she is not eating right now at all, and your the reason why all this bullshit happend with me and cassy and my mom. ha!! it would be so nice. she would expect me calling her to surprise her with oh hey come into my life. guess what, your the reason why my mom beat me. your the reason why we lived the way we did you fucking loser.  it would be nice to do that. probably wont do it. i dont know. i kind of like seeing barbara fuck with my mom.  in like a twisted way. god note to self do not act like the victim. if shit hits the fan embrace it and move on.
god i will not be tempted to continue to just feel FUCKING SORRY FOR MYSELF!! it is around me everywhere!! people here and there feeling sorry for themselves all the time. i fucking am sick and tire of it!!!

i could not do it.

i was getting so depressed i was just trying to pick fights and crying all the time. i cant fucking take that!!! me and dustin were not talking. i was pissy all the time. jesus losing weight is not worth my relationship. i liked it when i was doing atkins and i was able to run. that is when i was getting my head on straight. this was ruining my fucking hormones they were going ape shit. i think maybe some time down the road i may give it one more shot but i just could not find myself doing this. so im going back to atkins. im going back to the gym and im doing this because it makes me happy. i was more active and on the hcg i was realy resenting people for what they were eating. at least on atkins i had a variety of food and i wasnt starving all the time and i was losing weight. so i may try this again later but fuck i right now think you can do it you can! and i really am not feeling like i can. i think the best way of eating is atkins. i could eat all the shrimp and fish i wanted to, eggs with oil cooking in oil, any veggies, cheeses salads with dressings. i felt so much more peaceful eating this way. i give those who have stuck out hcg kudos. i want to just say i will try  it again today but that is because in a sense im tired of being over weight i just want to be at my goal weight. whatever. bitch. its gonna a be another hard tough road. suck it up and run. im already not taking my anti depressants and that hurts me, then i got on hcg and i could not go 4 days without cheating ha ha ha!! i suck ha ha ha!!so today i am 193.2 and im hoping i can drop ten pounds by halloween then. just ten.
i felt like i could eat whatever i wanted to today. we have things to make hashbrowns and french toast and pancakes, really all i made was an egg and fake meat cheese breakfast sandwich with maybe 1 tsp of ketchup
i was looking (oh btw the bread i used was whole grain and only 50 calories per slice more like an english muffin kind of deal)  at everything to eat and nothing seemed good too eat to me. like i knew i could binge on whatever i wanted to but it just sounded disgusting. i just wanted  a breakfast and i had coffee water and a half a grapefruit. so im thinking this little round kind of cured me of that. i didnt want to binge and i feel very full at the moment.
i want to run it was my anti depressant.  its not going to be sunny that much longer so i think running and i know running will do me some fucking good!! :)  i need more positivity in my life and running helped me get there. i need a new job. i took a blow over someones fuck up yesterday. i want to work at bio mat so i could rank up a lot of hours and i wouldnt have to wait around for people to call me and drive every where. wasting time money gas and energy. blah.
i have to go to these peoples homes who could easily take care of their family members and they fucking pay someone to do it. i started smoking since i picked up on the hcg stuff. it sucks i stopped running. yeah i may do it in the winter when i cant really run. fuck i bet my running time is off now. ahhhhhhggg. fucking christ im not sure what i want to do. if i stay on hcg i can lose the weight but i keep having such a shit attitude. arrrggg.  fuck i dont know what im going to do. i dont know i dont know. i want to do hcg. i want to do atkins. fuck. i just cant handle the mood swings on this. i dont want to do it. i miss running and being happy LOL. my outlook has changed on food though. i am going to stick to atkins though.