70% prt. II

so i got online today. downloading music and all i want to do is run. i want my running shoes and i want to hit that road.
some people dont understand what its like to run. i hated it i always did.
for some reason i knew it was the best way to lose weight.
stress reliever!!
i love feeling that adrenalin rush. how far can i go, how much can i push!
today is great woke up played on my new laptop. weighed myself 200 lbs.
im usually around that 195 mark. since doing hcg i have been losing the 1 lb a day.
whenever any one asks me if i want to go out to dinner i usually respond YEAH!
i have a problem with eating out so bad!! i hate it. i love it. because i think i can eat whatever i want to. i shouldnt but i do. im like ooo lets eat out and then i will be good. nope. i eat out and im like ok lets start the diet tomorrow. i hate it because the next day im like i could have been one pound down.
my family is causing me some heart ache today. my grandpa is in town and i wanted to run a marathon in my grandma's honor since she just passed away 5 months ago from lung cancer.
i still plan to do it i want to lose weight to do it.
i feel like by not losing weight i am cheating her out. and myself and grandpa and my family. i need to lose this weight i have come so far! 80 lbs is a lot of weight but i still dont see it that way. i see it like it was no big deal. partly because people are making it a big deal and i wanted that in the begining. I really loved it when i would see someone and they looked at me like holy shit! that girl got skinny!!
my sister calls me skinny. i hate it because now she is thicker and she gets down on herself about it and i think she is still gorgeous. she is always got a wonderful glow to her.
for myself i have noticed that women that see me especially my friends who are married really get down about themselves being big when i come around.
they say mean things about themselves. i hate feeling like im the one to have caused those thoughts going through their minds.
i love them all. i did it for me.
i actually felt bad when i lived with my ex a short while ago, i felt bad because he was shorter than i and i felt like i needed to be smaller than my significant other. so i lost weight to keep him. then it ended up being that i needed to lose it for me.
so i started doing it for me because i noticed no one will get credit for this but me!
after a while i was losing lots of weight he started getting really self concious about his own weight.
so he would really bash himself about it. it was irritating because he would get really angry about the whole thing.
then he wouldn't touch me and im like is it because im not fat anymore?
i actually talked to my friend amber about it. (my weight loss inspiration) she said dont do that! its for your health!! your doing it for you!!!
she was so right.
i kept on trucking. then sooner or later he would get mad at me for taking the car to go work out. he was trying to stunt my growth. leech.
any way im going to go and do my day.