so i decided i am a binge eater. and yesterday i did so well except for dinner. i porked out and now i am 206.6.
today i need to promise myself i will lose this weight. it will not be easy. it will not be something im going to want to do everyday. It is something i will be prideful in later. all i need to do is be patient. thats it. patience. and i have non. why should i be so mean to myself as to deny patience to me?
right now i am getting ready for my day. 
i got my splenda & coffee rockin right now. i will need to drink some water and make breakfast. perhaps eggs and avocado. (potasium) i was feeling really tired yesterday and i think- i know my period is coming soon. 
i read that binge eaters are usually depressed. so when i get to go and talk to a dr. im going to ask them for help.
if i have not been able to help myself. It's right though. when people asked me how i lost all my weight i say its because i was happy. i really was though. i was with my ex juan and i was so content! i was losing this weight and people were noticing me shrinking. 
i hate to admit to it, but maybe im depressed because no one has said how good i look. ewww.... 25 lbs i have gained. i get on myself so bad about it.
i used to purge. it was triggered by this kid who said i was pretty but i was just too fat. 
i would go to del taco and order a whole mess of food then throw it up in the parking lot. 
i did it quite often. but i never knew my weight i just did it because i knew throwing up was my way of control
at the time i only recognized it as i gotta do something desperate to lose weight. 
this was like 4-5 years ago. i havent done it since then. since i decided to lose weight to be healthy. today im going to work and im going to be surrounded by food. when i cave in i get so down on myself. 
lately i've been feeling really fat. (thanks PMS)
lol
i can not eat my feelings. and i do that by eating garbage because i feel like garbage.
i had a dream last night that my dad died. i know i am feeling a lot of resentment to my mom and dad right now. and what kills more of me is my sister is really being affected by this.
she is my best friend. It pains me to see her upset about anything. so im upset at them for making her feel bad.
Shit maybe i just need to write this crap down so i get it out instead of covering it up with food.
I am still upset about my relationship with my mom. no matter how hard i have tried to make mends with her it is never enough. what pisses me off more than anything is her hatred to herself. 
i hate the fact that she hates herself so much she cannot accept help so she has to use people. 
i hate the fact that she doesnt trust any one. i hate that she doesnt allow forgiveness to herself. i hate how she treats the family and i certainly hate how she hurt my best friend. I hate how she takes her life for granted and i hate how she takes those she "loves" lives for granted. i hate how much i have had to learn about her fucked up life so i can stop living a fucked up life. how hard it is to sit here and admit that i would run head first into a wall as fast as i possibly could after sniffing nail polish so hopefully i could pass out. 
i hate admitting that i would cut myself because i was in so much pain inside i needed to feel it on my outside. 
that while my mother was beating me i would always wish she would really knock me out. and i would be out for good. that the only thing that would cheer me up after hearing cries from my sister was packing my stuff up and trying to get the balls to run away, but never could since i would always be too scared of that woman. 
even to this day i feel like i have to second guess my attitudes and feelings because of her. that i had gotten into the arms of a controlling man because it was comfortable. that i once slept with a man who was 43 years old an alcoholic, a drama queen, a man child ( by drama queen i mean he would get into a faux  knife fight with his other alcoholic friend and call me because he was bleeding and i needed to come over because they didnt want to call an ambulance, or when that friend of his got hit by a train)
i hate that i was used by another older man, yeah only for 60 bucks for his gas and a lay. most of all
i treated myself like shit and i hate that. when i first got kicked out of my house, i got drunk all the time because i was hurting so bad. i got all that out of my system thank god. i dont get drunk all the time. 
i was raped, and i couldnt talk to my parents about it because i was so ashamed. because i felt like my mom would make me feel bad and accuse me of it being my fault. and because of that I FELT LIKE IT WAS MY FUCKING FAULT!!
its not. i had the opportunity to confront him one day. i was at work and i had seen him. he tried flirting with me at first. how disgusted i felt. he is still just as ugly. i riped into him letting him know how i felt.
i told him you took something away from me that didnt belong to you. you stole from me. he stole my virginity. 
i called him an asshole and a piece of shit. and all he said to me that i allowed him to speak to me, " i have friends who have gone through the same thing and i am so sorry, what do you want i will give you anything" i told him i wanted nothing. i fucking hated him. i forgive him for being weak. i forgive myself for ever thinking it was my fault. i forgive him. i will never forget and i would never want to be friends with him. 
i forgive him for having him make me, hate me. at the end of the rape, that SOB gave me 18$ and a hug. wtf.
i have been engaged 2 times. both times i was semi happy. i WAS truly upset at myself thinking i was to blame for the break up. that i was the one who fails. now i need to recognize that i did not fail, they failed me and i forgive them. 
i feel that the hardest thing to do is try to forgive my mom again. she tried apologizing once to me. apologizing for having anxiety and not telling me. she gave me a look like "please dont make me ask for forgiveness. please just know the hardest thing for me to do is this." and "please just know that i am sorry for everything"
sorry i didnt want that. she tried playing it off like it was some dr. bullshit. that people are not really affected by it. i do not like the way my dad and mom both down play the seriousness of depression and anxiety.
i had anxiety so bad once, i did not eat but maybe 100 calories in a 2 week span and lost 12 pounds. 
that was one hell of a poor excuse for an apology. 
now she's being weird ever since she had done that. she wont make the first attempt to hug me. or talk to me or say anything nice to me. you know how this makes me feel? like shit!
it makes me feel bad about things. as if she again is making me feel like i just need to cave in and forgive her because look at how hard she works for it. and that makes me angry. it makes me angry that people love her and when she tries to get assistance from family, she takes as much advantage of it as possible. it disgusts me that i have to work so fucking hard to get into school. and they have a new tv. it makes me sad that i have never asked them for money, but when i ask my dad for something the first thing he says is i dont have money. 
so i made a delicious breakfast but before i say what it is. i was getting ready and i hadn't eaten yet, but i was not hungry. i am eating for the mere fact of i know i need to other wise later i will be a ravenous pig. 
im not starving im not over indulging. i made 3 eggs, 2 whites 1 yolk, salsa, avocado, fiber and cheese. bee pollen = 5 carbs.
lunch is a veggie patty, and broccoli and jello= 5 carbs. 
dinner will probably be shrimp, lettuce, salsa, lime juice, so im making tacos= 2 carbs
this blog really helped me today. i am holding a lot of resentment and hostility to people who have done me wrong but i know the best thing to do for me is to let go of it.
eating is not to swallow emotions. eating is to sustain life. eating is not to hide anger right now and then later have the weight on and go "shit what happened?' you cant feed the soul with anything but love. and you feed your body with food. 
when my dad said that i was an angry person he was fucking right. what he fails to do is own up to his share of my anger. Is it even right for me to say that? yeah it is, because he hasn't apologized to me for anything.
when i leave, i want my ends tied. i want to be free of anything or anyone i have wronged. baggage will tie me to earth instead of reaching the other side. today when i see that food at work, i will remember how many times i have said no to other temptations and that this time is no different and i will have to say it pleanty of times in the future. i will remember that if i eat that garbage today i will be allowing myself to fall victim of all the shit that has happened to me. 
i just owe it to myself to be patient.  <3