i hate this.... i gained at least 3 pounds. I AM DONE BEING FAT!!! my clothes are fitting differently, my lack of energy is driving me crazy. i cant handle it any more. i really can not handle going up one more pant size!! i weighed in at 205 today. I AM FUCKING DONE!! i am giving myself, until september 15th, to weigh 180 again. it is august 27th. and i am giving myself 3 weeks.
Schedule goes as follows;


days i dont work:
                                     
wake up at 0900
drink coffee, blog eat breakfast
get ready for gym
work out, run 30 minutes, weights, abs, sauna
come home do chores
laundry, dishes, bathroom, bird and dog food and water, clean room
lunch
dinner


breakfast: 2 eggs, avocado, salsa, bee pollen, 2 bottles of water coffee with splenda
lunch: tuna or veggie patty, broccoli, cheese
dinner: seared salmon with veggies


water water water
days that i do work the same will apply i will just have to work out after work is done


today will be the first day back on track.
i need to do some chores today,
kitchen, bathroom, laundry, bedroom, laundry room
clean out bird cage, give chance water, clean out fridge and get ready for the day.


have not yet eaten breakfast, just coffee and water i weighed myself today and i will not weigh myself again for 3 days.
i found out i am a binge eater. im going to do some research on this
i just bought more HCG drops. im going to combine it with atkins. so 500 calories/ day with no carbs.
so 
im also thinking of joining weight watchers.






I need support. one way i can get it is probably find an online chat forum OA is for people who want to give into a god and i dont know if i'd like to pay 40 bucks a month to go to a meeting every day or week.
but maybe it would be good for me
if i go to weight watchers and my points are like 20 a day, i can incorporate my atkins way of eating as well as my HCG? we'll see. i tried finding a guide online for my points system. it would help me. but i've tried weight watchers 2 other times and i got no results. I could do my own thing and just go for support. HOW CAN I PAY 40 bucks a month for support, when i lose weight my friends do support me. i need to lose the 25 lbs. and i will do it. 
i find that it gets really hard for me to lose weight and stay on track when i go out to eat, when there are social settings, when i am alone, when i am mad or sad or pissy, or even when i am pmsing.


im going to do my apatrim, and atkins until i get my hcg, then do all three at the same time. with exercise and eating well. 
i can do it i really can i did it before why will i allow myself to quit!?!? 
i need to get back up and stop being hard on myself. 
i know i binge eat like a mother fucker. 
i know its because i am depressed. 
with atkins after switching my sugar energy to my fat energy i got so pumped and was in such a great mood all the time
i know i started binge eating because of all the crap that went down in march.
that i lost my grandma, my dad was diagnosed with MS and my fiance cheated on me. i found out he was lying to me about a lot of stuff.
i had to move i lost my job in july because of anxiety. this year has not treated me well yet. not at all. to top it off my dad was having his flare up and my mom is acusing both my sister and i for it. i proposed to dustin and he was upset i did that i made him feel uncomfortable. i didnt really care since i thought maybe he'd be on board for just eloping. but he wasnt and that doesnt mean he doesnt love me so im not upset at all. yesterday we had amazing sex it was great we hadd some drinks watched some naughty things. im waiting for some toys COMING SOON!!! woo hoo!!! i am going to buy some clothes at the end of september. september is my month i will lose the 25 pounds if i get my drops and stay on atkins i could lose almost 30 lbs in two weeks. and if i exercise its possible. its possible that by halloween i can be super skinny and wear what i want to wear. it would be fun to be jessica from true blood or even sookie LOL 
i would love to do that. 
but i need to be skinny. I NEED TO lose this weight i am desperate. i am wanting this so bad. i need to keep on track and not let this depression get the best of me.i better get going on this. writing helps me. i need to find other outlets other than eating. i need to master my  guitar, school, work, working out, writing, i got things i can do besides eat. i need to do this for my health i need to do this for my happiness, no one elses just mine!!