i was taking it too personally again. each time we get into an argument or something its always ok at the end of it. we always find a root source for either one of our distress. his was feeling like a failure. so by the time we got to that conclusion we headed to the front room and well, had some make up sex i think is what some one might call it.
he's very used to constant fighting and nagging from this ex girl of his. she was always fighting with him and he doesnt like to fail so i get the fact that he was always up for a fight. well, its really fucking sad. because he's a great guy. the house situation really sucks for him. i mean he went through this housing company so that he could afford the whole house payment. they cut his payments in half and then the company went out of business. so he needed that because she left and she was helping pay too because it is half hers.
that bitch just bailed out on him. yeah she is a bitch. she looks like one and she acts like one too. one day she came to the house because she needed to pick something up. pretty petty. and she was like who's sarah butler??? i cant believe she knows my name, well i guess she got it from face book. ha ha ha ha ha im so much cuter than she is. she is heavy and i guess she would always let her gut hang over her pants and never could cover it with a shirt. they had been together since high school.
well im not saying dustin and i are perfect i wish we could stop fighting. i mean they arent bad fights. we just argue a bit. but its because he's bored and he has nothing to look forward to. he sleeps in and i work and school and gym and clean house but he doesnt have anything to really do. he was so sweet though last night he kept asking me if there was anything he could do for me because my best friend was coming over and needed help with training. well, he was SO SWEET and asked can i do anything for you, do you need me to help you in any way. so i let him i said sure if you would just take out the bathroom trash for me, and help me clean up the kitchen i'd love that. well i made him pie and i made him bruschetta too. he LOVED it both.
and i made them both from scratch even the pie which was super easy to make!!
as far as weight loss goes im pretty excited for my weigh in today. i hope i see 191 today or 190 god if today was like yesterday and i hit like 189 IM GOING TO FALL OVER EXCITED!!!
im not expecting that though. i would be so happy and proud just to see that 192 again.
yesterday dustin was so kind and sweet enough to make me a california omelette. avocado, cheese, egg, vegan sausage, green pepper, salsa, and it was so delicious. it was a lot of food. i mean i went without eating until like 1000 at night. which i heard can be bad but shit all i ate was broccoli and some parmesean cheese.
lol
i think my body can handle that. but counting the carbs up the omelette cost me about 8 net carbs. im cool with that it was just a SHIT TON of food.
well my bruises are going away, i forgot to take my vitamins yesterday and i wont today thats for sure.
the patient i need to see today lives right down the street from me so that is great!!
i am so happy i have lost 15lbs. i am so excited when i reach my 170's.
i have to now wear my ring on my (right!!) middle finger rather than my ring finger since it doesnt fit me any more.
i know yesterday i had quite a bit of sodium. much more than the last couple of days.
holy christ, you know it has been getting so easy for me to wake up each morning. i can wake up any time of the morning and feel refreshed after resting.
last night however i had the oddest dream. i was being taken to jail but i could only get out if i gave someone a sexual favor. it was wierd.
but i woke up this morning to what i think was a bird hitting the window!
i woke up and was like , "huh, what the fuck!?" goddamn storm troopers trying to bust through my window H A HA HA HA HA.
i have been getting excellent rest too. i can see muscle now, my calves look great.
my face is thinner.... whoa, i just found this draft i nearly posted on my atkins bulletin board
feb, 8 2010:
i keep getting these mood swings. not as bad as before though. however i am noticing them now. before i didn't think i had mood swings but now since i feel as if they are not as bad i notice them. i feel jealous with my mood swings. just these outrageous jealous feelings. like im never going to be good enough for anyone or anything. my mood swings suck. but to stay on the positive side, they are not as bad as they used to be and i can keep them better under control. today is my last day off and my fiance is at work. he tells me he needs to go in a half hour early to load his truck so he's not stressed, then he calls me today and tells me that he's going to be home in 2 hours!! im just mad that he doesnt make time for me even a small text to say hi. it makes me mad. i used to work for the same company and i know this is how it works, but i feel like he could work a little harder to make me feel good. like texting me or something. i work damn hard for everything. i cook i clean i workout and work and watch what i eat, lose weight still and try to be someone he deserves and wants to be with.
maybe i feel like he's taking me for granted. i hate these feelings. now that i no longer look to food to fuel my emotions i feel great about that.
im watching true blood right now. sitting at home. i got dressed up. and i was making my fiance a nice dinner. 2 hours. wow.
here is the very first one i posted on the site
october 2009
so this is the story of me and how i had always been fat. it started last year in december when i realized that i needed to get fitter. i had always had a problem with food and depression. at the end of december of 2008 my 5'7 frame was at its peak of 280 lbs. (ALMOST 300!) i decided to be happy. i have always known i was the creator of my own, so i did it. i dumped the jerk off
ex fiance, dumped that crappy job, and started to change my life, which ment i needed to lose weight.I am in love with my new fiance
juan. I love my company i work for, and i have lost 70 lbs since jan. so now i have some more goals. im half way there! all i want is to be able to say i have lost 100 lbs by december of 09. my goal is in march of next year. i hope to get to my goal weight of 153 lbs. i have 57 more lbs to go! and i am hoping that this life style change will help me. i just have been noticing how many carbohydrates i intake. it is obscene. for me joining this group is simply to learn. i need to learn that everything needs to be in moderation. i am a vegetarian so this will be an interesting journey i can assure you.
then all my other blogs are just about me and retrying atkins again and again.
and how frustrated i got with my water weight.
stress was huge at that point. i would have to say. god i love writing. i've been up since 7am and now its been an hour.
im not with juan any more and if that mother fucker ever saw me i hope he ate his heart out.
god it just seemed like i was going through these patterns of men until i fell in love with dustin.
it feels good to know that i have lost 15 pounds since august 27th.
it feels good that i broke the chain of addiction to food.
it feels great that i no longer see myself as a walking disaster. i love my life. i love that i know and feel im in control of my life. and i am in control of what i eat.
juan always made me feel like i was trying to control him. what i think was the real scenario is that he was trying to control me and when he found out he couldnt control me he was getting pissed off.
last night dustin said that he really didn't know a whole lot about my past. and i said well its really hurtful, and i just struggled a whole lot. its depressing what my life was, i told him that the best day of my life was when i was proposed to. not to make him feel like he needs to do that for me. it really was the best day of my life. when juan asked me to marry him it was a really great day.
he bought my favorite chocolates, took me out to a very nice dinner, got a room, and champagne and rolled a j. it was beautiful. and then the worst day of my life was when we got into a huge fight, and i was sitting on the side walk on my street crying my eyes out calling people for help on christmas morning. i hate christmas because of that day. i get emotional right now thinking about it.
i hate what he did to me. i hate him. i guess i just loved what i thought he was. and i believed that love was going to save us. but in reality we were not meant to be saved and i was just not meant to be with him at all.
i would like to think that something was keeping us from getting married.
and i am greatful for that.
im happy we didnt. i really just want to start a family and be a nurse. i want to be thin.
last night dustin asked me a great question; if you could have 3 things right now what would it be?
i replied
1) all stress you feel will go away
and that anything that brings you stress will be fixed
2) to be done with RN school
and 3) for us to stay together
i asked him what his were and he said that mine were so simple and achievable and selfless.
and that he wouldnt feel right saying his after he heard such a great answer from me.
lol
i said it doesnt matter people are different.
he still never told me.
i thought it was a nice complement from him that i was selfless. that is a magic word i have had yet to hear from my partners. he's the only one.
so breakfast i have scrambled eggs, avocado and some cheese.
it took just a few minutes. i like to wake up early and eat breakfast and wake up with music and coffee and blogging.
im happy. its been a while but i am happy. its kind of shitty when you decide your parents are so toxic you cant be around them because then you start to fail. i choose not to have a relationship with my parents any more.
when i dont have to worry about them my life is great!!
when im not stressing about them i feel great!
they are so fucked up.
any way im proud of my weight loss!!!
i will probably weigh in tomorrow i need to drink some more water, its so easy to drink a gallon a day :)
No comments:
Post a Comment