r1 p1 day 5

so today is day five huh. last night (juyst to let you all know!!! i didnt eat anything i should not have.) i kept it clean. i really wanted food though. i really wanted to say fuck it and just eat what i please. this morning i feel ok, still trying to wake up here. making my morning coffee. so, i go to class tomorrow, 10 hours, then i have my first clinical sunday. god i hope i have tuesday off. i just need one day to recoop. im tired i can start to feel my body run down.

my dream was kind of neat. i was thinner i think.  i cannot quite remember. any way.
i have this shirt i dont fit into. its teal and black striped. im sad. i bought it about 2 months ago thinking it would fit me but its too small!
so i decided to hang it up and keep it around for inspiration ;)
i want to fit into it.
so what will today be???? 195? less please, 192, less please how about 189 yeah??? i want that!!! please grant me the power to continue. i really want to weigh little. this is discouraging since my weight has been averaging around oh 198 since may. i hate it. i just want to be below 190 so bad now. im really ready for a fucking change on that scale.wow. so i was 194.5 today. it sucks because thats where i left off to do this diet then blew up to 199 fast.
i dont like this. i dont like it right now i mean. im not hungry but i think i will like to have another cup of coffee.
i wonder what tomorrow will be like. yesterday went by so slow. its because i wanted to eat some normal fucking food. good god. i just am tired of feeling like im dieting all the time.
these are my feelings on it. im tired of feeling hungry and tired. but when i eat normal food like breads and rice my stomach hurts and im gassy.
im ok right now i dont feel any hunger. last night i cooked dustin food. chicken with bbq sauce and sauted veggies in balsamic vinegar, and cheese potatoes. with bisquits.
maybe this is not necessarily me wanting to eat bad just wanting to eat my other food. my friend amber said about a week is what it took for her to get normalized from eating this way.
i hope my paycheck is on the larger side. i could really use some extra money. i cant wait until next pay day. that will be a good day you know why??? because i will be at 180 :)wow 2 weeks huh? that is 14 days. that is october 8th. i would love to be skinny. 180 will be nice. i hope i can be as successful on it as my friend she was losing up to 1.5 lbs. my body is not really used to this diet and i have a lot of fat that is really stored. my arms for sure, my stomach.
which let me tell you, i just realized that (and this is highly embarrassing) that when i was 12/13 i had a pressure sore under my stomach. mine hangs right now. i hate it. im highly embarrassed about it. i have had this gut since i turned 9 years old. its been there and im sure its dormant fat now. when i hit 180 i could notice that there was a significant decrease in its size and it was starting to shrivel up. i have never talked about my stomach.never. i know one of my other friends has one like it too. she is 2-3 inches shorter than weighs 210 or so.
god that girl is so jealous of me. i know it. i have the man she wants to be with. i have the successful weight loss that she wished she had. i really believe she is jealous.
each time we get drinking she talks about my weight loss and says i shouldnt lose any more weight. and tries telling me i shouldnt exercise as much because its bad for my body.
its stupid. her husbad tells her she needs to lose weight all the time. she looks fine! she could lose some weight  though like maybe 30 lbs would be good for her health wise. she looks beautiful.
but she is always feeling bad about herself. my other friend is my weight right now. i cant wait to be thinner. i feel much better now that i am back to 194 and im done losing my loading weight. i got to 190 so until i reach 190 or lower all this is going to be repetative weight loss. i've lost the 17 lbs. then i gained 4 and then gained 5 more after that now i am just losing and gaining. i hope this stuff works for me. i feel like im trapped in weight loss limbo. i was 180 in march. i've been up 27 lbs. just lost 17 then i gained a little more. its only day 5 of this hcg and im just wanting to complain. i need to look at it like im sure glad i dont have to buy different clothes just yet ;)
i just counted on the calendar from now until halloween that is 38 days! XD im curious as to what i will be at tomorrow. one week from now i will be in my mid180's i dont know what to be for halloween. i was thinking something good because i will be thinner and around my goal weight when halloween is here. wow. in one month i will look completely different. my one gf i am kind of jealous of. because she is like 185 and looks great!! i couldnt make 185 look that good. im thinking i would be happy at 160. my other friend is 165 ish and she is my height and she looks cute!! no stomach. i just want to know when this bitch will go away!!!
in 20 days i will be around mid 170's. i am looking forward to being any where in my 180's but when i hit my 170's im going to flip out with joy!! my boyfriend will see. then im going to buy some lingerai ah ha ha ha aha  and im going to take photos for him and it will be great!! im looking at halloween costumes and i am getting to feel better about this weight loss thing :)
im eager to be healthier and more better looking ha ha ha  ::blue steel::
i would love to wake up tomorrow and just have made it to my goal weight. i really hope that dr simeons protocol can help me. help me be the woman i always wanted to be.