just a note

today i went for a run with my boyfriend and i had a break down. We were running and it always seemed like to me that we were competing. i hate that. today he ran past me and i felt like he was being selfish because i thought he was thinking that he was getting anything out of it.
no. this was for me and how dare he take this from me and make it his.
running running , running, running, huffing and passed him, i was upset with him for running up the hill before me!! thats my fucking hill!!
i was walking to catch my breath. then it hit me. 1) really, am i going to let this little hill defeat me? 2) am i really mad at him? 3) if im questioning myself then it must be no 4) if not, who? 
then it hit me. I am mad at myself. I am mad at myself for letting my self get to the point where I cant run past him
It is no one but my own fault for not being able to be fit enough to do this.
The reason why im huffing and puffing so much is because of me. The people who have wronged me didn't shove that burger down my throat, or eat those extra large fries, or eat an entire bag of pop corn or made me go to two different places for fast food.
I was in denial until now. I get it now i really do. the reason why he passed me was not because he is better than me, it was because i didnt give my self the care enough to lose weight.
i didnt give myself the care enough to eat healthy. i wanted to eat shit because i felt like i was shit.
i felt like shit. 
I cried today because i realized this. i realized that i can do this. i can do anything i need and want to.
i talked to my aunt today about everything. i even told her i was raped. that was really hard for me. for me to tell any family member other than cassy was a very big step for me.
i talked to her about everything and it was good. and she talked to me too. we are so much alike
today dustin and i kind of had a tiff. no big deal. at the time i wanted to give up on him
we were talking and he kept interupting me telling me he knew what i was saying. but i felt like he didnt since he wasnt listening.
i was saying that i was getting mad at him for taking off past me but really im mad at myself.
he's like i dont want you to be sad or mad please dont
i said its not because i am feeling sad or mad im taking credit for my actions
its myfault i couldnt do it no one elses.
he kept interrupting me . and i kept saying its not what you think, he says no i get it your mad for being heavy. your mad because you cant run we can run it again this time you can do it. i cried again and said your not listening listen to me!
then he took off . so i crossed the park and he ran! i was on the bench and he was running. he ran to me on the bench and sat down. we sat together and i talked to him calmly. im sorry we fought. im sorry. i wanted to tell you im not mad at anything. i am taking acredability to what i had done wrong.
i wronged myself.( i ate and ate until i got too big to do something i love. running.) 
And he said i have never met anyone who took credit for their actions like you. never. 
we talked it out and everything is ok now.
much better. 
earlier i was so pist at him. he was being snippy and passive. i could not understand. i wanted to run on a tredmill at the gym. why? he asks. 
i want to know why we cant do anything without him asking why? why not? oh because its cheap and i can do it anywhere. well guess what. i dont want to look like a failure when i hit the road and keep stoping i know that if im on a tredmill i can run as long as i want to.
its hard to run outside. i hate feeling like i cant do it. but now its ok. its ok to start out slow outside. 
yeah running out side is free but i prefer to run on a mill, fine do what you want to i dont care go to the gym. 
so i knew if i say hey lets run outside he'd be ok with it. i hate it though. he doesnt get that either. so i knew maybe if we exercised together we'd feel better. it did , but i felt kind of a douche and i felt like he was one too. so i bit my tongue for him and asked him to run outside with me.
he also doesnt get that i hate a certain exercise at the gym but i try it everytime, if i dont like it i wont do it.
hello! just because you dont like it doesnt mean its not good for you.
he was interupting me all the time at the park and saying that if he has something on his mind he'll say it when ever he wants to. and i said thats not fair. its inconsiderate.!! 
he made it clear that it was because he wasnt sure if im ever done. i told him to just fucking ask ha ha h a any way. im off to bed. <3