revelation

good god! I love this way of eating so much! i feel so in touch with who i am as a human being. is that weird to have that feeling on this??? today as i was driving back home from my aunts house and i was fortunate to have this thing i like to call a perfect moment. ha ha ha the sun was so beautiful is was like gold. not like ordinary gold though, like pure unadulterated, free, beautiful, pure pure pure pure gold. sunshine!!!! i loved it!!!! like some kind of extraordinary super energy was following me making sure i knew what life was all about. like this was my ride home and that i could make it however i wanted it to be. I can own this. I can make this mine; and it was. I loved it i had my shades on, my music pumping which was pumping me!
and i had been thinking how would i really feel if everything in my life was perfect and at that moment everything was. i was perfect at that moment and it was only because of me. no one made me feel as beautiful as myself. my boyfriend does not, my family does not, but thats ok. they dont know the super power we have on our own. I was beginning to think, "if people with no legs can run marathons, what the hell is my problem" as if i didnt do enough in my life. Although i felt that way, my aunt helped me realize i've been having to heal myself all these years and i am still not done doing so. Losing weight is the last form of healing. I have come a LONG way for only being 24 years old. and i am proud of that, i am proud of who i am and what i stick up for and who i stand for. i am proud that i can sit in front of someone while they eat and only think nothing of it.
no name calling, no judgment, no fear, no compromise and NO GUILT. NO WANT. NO CRAVINGS.
I find that to be beautiful as well.
I find that we hold beauty so great we fear it.
I love life, there fore i should never fear it.
wow, how freaking awesome is this!!
I think it is important that i write the reasons why i want to lose weight so that i feel more motivated to continue (not that im not it just helps more so)
i want to lose weight because i want to wear a size 8.
i want to lose weight so i can run faster,  longer,   harder, and better!
i want to lose weight so that i can feel sexier, notice i said feel sexier rather than saying i want to be sexy. ;)
i want to lose weight so that my confidence shines through me and shows everyone how strong of a woman i am.
i want to lose weight because i want to know first hand what it feels like to be thin.
i want to lose weight because i want to be a great example to my children.
i want to lose weight not to make others feel bad about themselves
i want to lose weight not to make others have pity on my life's story but so they can learn no matter how hard that woman had to work and no matter what she had to work through she worked through it!!
i will lose weight so i can feel these things. i will never again be unhealthy i will never again wear a size anything bigger than what my goal is to achieve. i will always hold myself accountable for my actions and one of them is the way i almost cheated myself on life.
its crazy; when they say forgive yourself first and the rest will follow they are right! I needed to forgive myself for treating myself so poorly. i put myself down, i embarrassed myself , i punished myself i hated myself.
now i forgive myself. i forgive myself for all the wrong i have done onto myself. Sarah B. has been forgiven.
what a weight off my soul. and now i see that through forgiving myself i can love myself and now i can move on. i dont forgive some people but thats ok. its who i am and some day i will forgive them.
but for now i had to work on forgiving the most important person.